In the morgue during an autospy:
Elizabeth Rodgers: First time?
Serena Southerlyn: I came over from Civil Investigations…
Elizabeth Rodgers: You get used to the smell.
Ed Green: No you don’t.
Roger Cleary (facing six counts of murder two) All right, Mr. Stone, I’m a businessman. I’ve made deals before. What are you offering?
Stone: I’m not a businessman, Mr. Cleary. I’m offering you nothing.
Mrs. Gaines: For 10 years, I stayed in a nightmare marriage just so she could have a real home. I fought for custody for her, but he had more money, more lawyers. He turned me into an addict and then used it against me! That bastard, he stole her away from me. He told her lies about me. He made her afraid of me… I loved her!
Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy: But you hated your husband more.
Tech: You know, last time we had to go through the trash, the investigating officers helped out.
Lenny Briscoe: [Clearly with no intention of helping out] That’s fascinating. I think you missed a spot.
Ben Stone: I guess you just weren’t clever enough.
Phillip Swann: I got this far, Ben.
Ben Stone: A lot of effort to wind up right back where you started. And in polite society, sir, you don’t call people by their first name unless they ask you to. I didn’t do that. You’re not a friend, and you’re certainly not a colleague.
Ben Stone. Several witnesses to a murder involving the Columbian drug cartel mysteriously die after the trial. The victim had a young daughter.
Ben: What about the little girl?
Adam: Picked up at school by her uncle.
Ben: She doesn’t have an uncle.
Claire is investigating some society murder, and one of the witnesses tells her something like, “You should be sipping Cristal on the back of a yacht” or something. Jill Hennessey is a lovely lady.
Oh, and Logan is using a pair of tongs to sift through a dumpster.
Logan: They’re perfectly good tongs!
Briscoe: I’m never eating salad at your house.
(Some guy) “They’re all alike with their Irish temper. They lose control and the next thing you know, you have a murder.”
McCoy: “Oh, so he did it because he’s a Mick? I’m a Mick. Detective Logan’s a Mick, sir, and if you don’t shut up, I’ll lose control and throw you out of the room!”
Paraphrased, 'cause I’m too lazy to look it up:
Murder victim’s Mother-In-Law: “I had to kill that old man. Do you really want to go back to being the ‘Stupid Dancing Naked Family’ again?”
Thanks for the memories, everybody. God, I miss those people. I could argue with myself forever over which ones were my favorites and there’s a lot of candidates for second place, but Lenny always comes in first.
Abby Carmichael: Gentlemen, please. That woman has a hole in her soul.
Later: No deals for any of them. Let’s hang 'em all.
From Season 14 episode Floater:
(Detectives arrive to a dead body found in the river)
Ed Green: Hey, what you got?
Medical Examiner: Female.
Ed Green: Other than that - Age, race?
Medical Examiner: I’m barely sure it’s human, Detective, body’s so decomp. Add in your fish and your crabs…
Ed Green: Is she young, old?
Medical Examiner: Like I said, see for yourself.
Lennie Briscoe: Any prints?
Medical Examiner: Fish ate her fingertips.
Ed Green: Oooh, how long has she been in the water?
Medical Examiner: …a while.
Lennie Briscoe: Can you narrow it down a little?
Medical Examiner: I would if I could but…
Lennie Briscoe: Anything obvious? A bullet hole? Stab wounds?
Medical Examiner: Did I mention the eels?
Finn talking with a woman who knew who had stolen a tank of frozen embryos, believing they were “people”
Woman: These embryos should be transplanted into women who will given birth, then they can be adopted.
Finn: That ought to make a lot of gays and lesbians very happy.
Woman: Oh, no. We only believe in adoption to the right people.
Finn: Yeah. Straight, white, Christian, married couples.
Woman: Oh, no, we’re not prejudiced! Christians come in all colors.
Green: There must be 10, 15 grand here. Where’d you get the money, Bobby?
Bobby: Bite me!
Briscoe: Go ahead. Bite him.
Briscoe in his first appearance, something like “Italians and Latinos kill for love, micks kill for money”.
Rodgers;“Free javelins”
I’ve had the Casey Novak naked dream, too!
My all-time favorite is from an episode of Criminal Intent:
[Goren is interrogating an obviously mentally-ill suspect]
Deakins Anybody mirandize this guy?
Eames He waived.
Deakins Well, that’ll hold up.
Brisco says to some kid with corn rows, ’ we use the same barber. 'Another time he was arresting a conservation kid. ‘Hey trail mix you’re under arrest’
Love me some Lennie.
Ben Stone : I think we ought to put stocks… two to a block, guarded and heated… all the way up and down Broadway. Anyone convicted of possession of crack has to sit in those stocks from sunup till sundown, with a dunce cap and clown nose… we’d clear up the problem in about six months.
What do you think?
Logan & Briscoe: I don’t know, I feel like we’re chasing a ghost here. This guy Skulman’s probably dead. The rabbi wasn’t playing catch just to be nice. He practically said Skulman’s name sent Mrs. Steinmetz running. So what? I mean, we’re digging up stuff that happened 50 years ago. What the hell, it’s ancient history, Lennie. Hey, my old man was a GI in World War II. First regiment into Buchenwald. And he never forgot how he felt when he saw those people. I mean, he wasn’t religious, but he said after that day he believed in the devil. This stuff never went away, Mike.
Arthur Branch to Serena: And when was the last time you ever picked up a ladle in a soup kitchen? Every Thanksgiving as a matter of fact. One day a year, you and all the other limousine liberals so you can feel good about yourselves.
The one time I agreed with Branch. Serena really was blind to her own self, to the point of being insufferable.
Jamie was accused (falsely, IMO) of being a dilettante, but Serena really was.
Her best quote isn’t “Is this because I’m a lesbian?”, but the completely clueless “Good…good” respnse to Branch. It sums up her character completely.