Best Law & Order quotes

Cafe Society
1

We had a thread similiar thread like this awhile ago, but it was too old to drag up. I’ve been binge watching the series. (The worst part of binge-watching something? Having the theme song stuck in your head)

They usually give the best lines to Lenny Briscoe, or Jack McCoy, although Logan and Carmichael were also good for some.

My personal favorites:

Arthur Branch: Who is that stupid SOB anyway?
Serena Southerland: Ken Schwimmer, Legal Aid, and he isn’t exactly stupid.
Arthur: He listened when his client told him about fifteen other murders?
Serena: Yes.
Arthur: He confirmed that his client was telling the truth by taking a peek at the bodies?
Serena: …Yes.
Arthur: Ok, what’s dumber than stupid?

Adam Schiff: Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Loeb. Who do we have?
Jack McCoy: Beavis And Butthead.

Lenny Briscoe: I would have worn my red silk but it’s in the wash.
Adam Schiff: Why not? A little paranoia could be the key to a long life. Who ever really knows the person sharing their bedroom?
[Jack and Claire look at each other]
Jack McCoy: [waiter brings a drink bought by the defense attorney in the last case] Take it back.
Claire Kincaid: You can’t forgive anyone, can you?
Jack McCoy: Nope. Besides, that was bourbon; I’m drinking scotch.

Jack McCoy: I bought you dinner. I didn’t know what you liked, so I got you salad, low-cal dressing…
Abbie Carmichael: Low-cal?
Jack McCoy: Excuse me?
Abbie Carmichael: I burn it, I don’t store it… What did you get?
Jack McCoy: Ribs.
Abbie Carmichael: Great.
[takes the ribs]
Abbie Carmichael: Looks good. I’ll eat, you graze.

[Talking about breast cancer]
Mike Logan: If it was me, I’d just have the operation.
Anita Van Buren: Oh really? You got anything you’d think twice about having cut off?
Damien: We wasn’t doin’ nothin’.
Lenny Briscoe: Really? And where wasn’t you doin’ it?

Jack McCoy: You know why I’m here?
Danielle Melnick: No. Your Golden Retriever threw you out?

Jamie Ross: There’s going to be some fallout from this. People are going to think twice about signing their donor cards.
Jack McCoy: Cosgrove was an aberration. I’m not worried about a shortage of organs.
Jamie Ross: There’d better not be. Especially livers. Good night, Jack.

2

Schiff: Great. They’ve got Clarence Darrow and we’ve got Larry, Moe and Curly.

Noth with a search warrant for a search in a laboratory: Tell Gyro Gearloose there to open this desk or he’s under arrest.

3

“Never get Freudian with a man holding a pickle.” – Jack McCoy

“Look at this, Nietzsche, Wittergerstein, Kierkegaard. Either we’re looking for a philosophy student, or we’ve got one very depressed criminal.” - Lennie Briscoe

“Your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.” - Jack McCoy

Really, there are so many of them that I can’t just choose a few.

ETA a special appearance from SVU (which was hilarious before it got all turgid):

Dr. Audrey Jackson: Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?
Det. John Munch: Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?

[after explaining what the “down-low” is]
“Don’t look at me, I just know stuff.” - Fin Tutuola

4

“Surf Nazis on ecstasy. Bet they’re gonna put that in the local drive-in.” - Briscoe

5

“I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker’s that mean that they watch you commit suicide.” -Briscoe

“Home Alone is a movie, not an alibi.” -Briscoe

6

I think the best one ever went to Dr. Rogers.

Lennie Briscoe: When will you know what time Mrs. Hallenbeck was attacked?
Dr. Rogers: Tomorrow morning, maybe earlier. Right now I gotta get a javelin out of somebody’s chest.
Lennie Brisco: What made you go in to this line of work?
Dr. Rogers: Free javelins.

It’s on youtube.

7

She deadpans better than Lennie. Only Ed, Adam, Lennie, Jack, and Van Buren appeared on more episodes than her. But here’s one only Lennie could have pulled off:

Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: The hands were cut to the bone, then snapped off at the wrist.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: That must’ve hurt.
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Well, it was postmortem.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Still…

Throw in Munch and you’ve got the big three:

Det. John Munch: Will you ever have dinner with me?
M.E. Elizabeth Rodgers: Not while I can still feed myself.

8

The all-time winner and champeen is Stabler’s deadpanned quip from an episode of SVU in which an IT geek suspects his wife of infidelity and implants an RFID chip in her without her knowledge and tracks her continuously: “sonofabitch—the guy invented the hojack.”

9

Maitre D’: [referring to the victim and her husband] She gave him a big hug.
Lennie Briscoe: No kiss?
Maitre D’: You married?
Lennie Briscoe: I’ve toyed with the notion.

Read the IMDb quotes for the episode Couples, every one a gem.

(That episode was one of the few to depart from the standard format. Briscoe and Green wind up investigating three murders and kidnapping, with very little courtroom action. It ends with them being called to the scene of someone reported jumping out of a building, which is a lead-in to the following episode.)

10

I can’t find the exact quote but in episode 7.2 “I.D.” the judge has excluded the discovery of a gun in an apartment closet, frustrating McCoy. McCoy has Curtiss on the stand and asks (wording not exact, I’m afraid).

“Before you visited the defendant’s apartment, were you searching for the murder weapon?”
“We were keeping our eyes open for it”
“Were you still looking for it after you left the apartment?”

11

“Even though you are a taxpayer, you know, we don’t actually work for you personally.” – Briscoe

12

I always liked scenes with Dr Rodgers and she had some great exchanges with Lennie:

Lennie Briscoe: What about his tattoo?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: Within the year. Midlife crisis. Some guys get a sports car, some guys get a tattoo.
Lennie Briscoe: What did you get?
Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers: 27-year-old boyfriend.

13

Casey Novak shows up at a judges house at night to get some kind of order signed and it turns out to be poker night and all the judges are there, and she says 'judge Rittenour,judge Petoskey, judge so and so, I had this dream before, but I was naked. ’

14

Briscoe and Curtis investigated a crime scene.

(paraphrasing)

Curtis: Looks like our victim was a lawyer
Briscoe: That doesn’t mean he deserved to die, Rey.

a little later in the scene

Briscoe: Looks like our lawyer was a Divorce Lawyer
Curtis: That doesn’t mean he deserved to die, Lennie

15

[After some guy’s wife cut his penis off, ala Lorena Bobbit]
Belcher: What do I do when I find it?
Mike Logan: Put it on a leash and walk it to the hospital.

Jack McCoy: I’m Jack McCoy. I’m the Assistant District Attorney for New York County. You are invited here to talk to me about the murder of William Harrigan. And make no mistake: you will talk to me. You’re going to tell me every thing you know about Stuart Barclay and Colin Harrigan’s roles in that killing. If you don’t, if you lie, I’ll add a new word to your vocabulary: conspiracy, to commit murder. You could serve as many years as you have candles on your birthday cake. Who wants to speak first?

Karen: How can you think for a minute that I would let my own child die? What kind of mother do you think I am?! You don’t know what I did for her. For 10 years, I stayed in a nightmare marriage, just so she could have a real home. I fought for custody for her, but he had more money, more lawyers. He turned me into an addict, and then used it against me! That bastard! He stole her away from me! He told her lies about me! He made her afraid of me! I loved her!
Jack McCoy: But you hated your husband more.

Adam Schiff: Started with a killing, ending with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off.
Jack McCoy: It’s Friday, Adam.
Adam Schiff: So it is. See you Monday.

Rey Curtis: All I know is my girls aren’t getting married until they graduate from college.
Lenny Briscoe: Hey, I’m too young to get married and I’m a grandfather.

16

Briscoe, realizing that he’s looking for clues in a gay bar: Ah, two boys for every–boy.

Briscoe: She was sitting in the bitch seat.
Van Buren: “Bitch seat”?
Curtis, very earnestly: Yes, it’s the back seat on the motorcycle where the, uh, woman, um… (Withering gaze from Van Buren)

17

There are a lot of good quotes from that episode! Some others–

Mr. Barclay: He and his father, they’re all alike with their Irish temper. They lose control and the next thing you know you have a murder.
McCoy: Oh, Harrigan did it because he’s a Mick? Detective Logan is a Mick. I’m a Mick, sir. And if you don’t shut up I’ll lose control and throw you out of the room.

McCoy: I’ve got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second-degree murder.

18

McCoy (Stone?) offering a plea agreement.

“I can’t do ten years.”
“Do what you can.”

Anyone remember the specifics?

19

Lenny (of course) referring to a possible suspect who is a Broadway producer.

“Big Broadway producer. Got more Tonys than southern Italy”

Also, Lenny:
*
“Love, a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage”*
and, last one fr me, this exchange between Adam and Jack:

Adam Schiff: Started with a murder, ends with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off.
Jack McCoy: It’s Friday, Adam.
Adam Schiff: *So it is. See you on Monday. *

20

20 posts in and no love forSerena?