Aw, you didn’t need Jack Batty! Cecil already covered the adventures of the man from Nantucket, whether he carried a bucket with a large amount of punniness involved, or whether he had an unusually long private area:
Can I do TWO please?
A gentleman dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!”
As a beauty I’m not a great star,
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face, I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it,
It’s the people in front that I jar!
You know I once tried to convince a couple I know to join me for a trip to Turkey. The husband seemed a little jittery about going to Turkey (one too many viewings of Midnight Express), and came up with a lame “I can’t get off work” excuse. So I wrote this taunting limerick and emailed it to him:
There was a young man who feared Turks,
So he said he could not get off work
To avoid a vacation
In the Ottoman nation,
Where the objects of his terror lurk!
There was a young lady quite tearful
Of sucking a cock she was fearful
In a moment of dread
She turned aside her head–
And boy, did she get an earful!
There was a young lady named Bright
Who traveled far faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned home the previous night.
The first line is a street address, so don’t get confused.
At number nine, penwiper mews,
there is truly abominable news,
they’ve discovered a head
in the box for the bread
and nobody seems to know whose.
This one’s a Gorey:
Each night my dad fills me with dread
when he sits at the foot of my bed
it’s not that he speaks
in gibbers and squeaks
but for 26 years he’s been dead.
A poetess, lovely and trim
Did indulge in a mighty strange whim.
She always wore a bonnet
While writing a sonnet
But stripped herself bare for a hymn.
The limerick is never averse
To expressing itself in a terse
Economical style
And yet, all the while
The limerick is always a verse.
I have to say that I have seen more clean (more-or-less) limericks in this thread than I’ve ever seen outside some insipid collection meant for children. In keeping with that, here’s one for the gamers:
A dour old dwarf named Fritz
Got burned right where he sits.
It’s unwise, they say,
To get in the way
Of a dragon just as he spits.
And then again…
There is a young man named Schultz,
Of his deeds he brags and exults
He slept with the dead
“'Tis legal,” he said,
“As long as they’re consenting adults!”
There once was a man from Bombay
who fashioned a c*** out of clay
his dock he inserted, his semen he squirted
but chafed all this foreskin away…
Ha ha ha ha!
although why he wanted to put a leafy plant into it I’ll never know! :wally
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had but one tit
And smelled like shit
But think of the money Dave saved
There once was a man from Monclair
Who fucked his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air
Geobabe went to school for rockology.
Bluesman thought to himself, “Golly, gee…
She has such a fine ass,
I can’t let the chance pass.”
So he spanked her, and gave an apology.
Doper party mini-scandal. Ya hadda be there.
There once was a man named Heinz,
Who wrote poems of only two lines.
<runs till the booing and jeering is lost in the distance>
A young miss with a bedroom trapeze
Charges double to hang by her knees.
Her clients say gravity
Helps’ em fill up her cavity–
And everyone’s cooled by the breeze.
An ancient rabbi from Peru
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw.
But she said, “Oh vey!
If you keep on this way–
The Messiah’ll come before you!”
A lovesick skydiver named Sherm
Bailed out while his organ was firm–
Three strokes and a spasm
Produced an orgasm.
And he skywrote “I love you!” in sperm.
I only wrote the first one; the others I read somewhere…
There was a young woman from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on the train
Not once but again
And again and again
And again and again and again
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The same information in braille.
The integral z squared dz
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e.
-b
A dozen a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Show Signature: not checked for this post.
Man, all my favorites have been stolen. "Integral z squared dz…damn. Brass balls? Double damn! Well, ok, I still got one hanging around.
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who’d had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
and fingered her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.
Yeah, well, my others were taken.
Does anyone know the one that ends,
“Said the plumber, still plumbing, ‘It’s me!’” Always like that one.
This one doesn’t quite scan, logically, but it was told to me by an eleven-year-old girl :eek: and I thought it was pretty clever.
There once was a fellow named Paul
Who had an octagonal ball.
The square of his weight
Plus his pecker, times eight,
Is his phone number–give him a call!
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to grind grist with.
But the miller’s son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the things that they pissed with.