Variation:
There was a young man in Stamboul
Who discovered red spots on his tool
Said the doctor, a cynic
"Get out of my clinic!
“And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
There was a young man of Japan
Whose verses would never quite scan
When asked why this was
He said, "It’s because
“I try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
ETA: Oh, hell beaten to the two/one joke. Replacement:
There was a young girl from Connecticut
Who showed a complete lack of etiquette
Letting all comers press
Through the skirt of her dress
And mopping the mess with her petticut.
What of the lasses of Birmingham?
Shall we speak of the scandal concerning 'em?
They’re both in the dock
for lifting the frock (alt: for tickling the cock)
of the priest engaged in confirming 'em.
A lightning drag racer named Fisk
Took a consid’rable risk
When his dragster got traction
The Fitzgerald Contraction
Reduced his wazoo to a disk.
But the priest was nobody’s fool.
He had been to parochial school.
So he pulled down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With a twelve-inch Episcopal tool.
But both the young ladies said “Poo!”
And they sneered as the priest withdrew.
For they said with a snicker,
“The vicar is thicker,
And slicker and quicker than you.”
Regards,
Shodan
There was a young man of Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his arse
And his cock was covered with weeds.
And another by Asimov :
There was a young woman of Decatur
Who went on a trip on a freighter .
She was screwed by the Master ,
An utter disaster ,
But the crew made up for it later !
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
She awoke with dismay
When she heard the mate say
“Hoist up the top sheet and spanker!”
My best friend in high school HATED it when I learned this Asimovian one:
Some gentlemen born under Aries
Are likely to go by contraries
They’re apt to ignore
The sweet girl next door
And feel much attracted to fairies.
[QUOTE=Baker]
A gentleman dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!”
[/QUOTE]
OK, seeing as you took my two favorites, I’ll have to just go with the following:
*
A mathematician confided
That a Mobius band is one-sided.
“And you’ll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided!”
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band divine.
He said, “If you glue
The edges of two,
You’ll get a weird bottle like mine!”*
Seen in a bathroom stall (and seared into my brain ever since):
When I get up to wipe my ass
I like to pass a little gas
It cleans the bowl
And dries the hole
And shows I have a lot of class
It has to be “as for the bucket, Nantucket” (i.e., Nan took it)
Otherwise, her name might as well be Jan.
Well, if we’re getting mathematical:
Integral t[sup]2[/sup] dt
From one to the cube root of three
All times the cosine
Of 3p upon nine
Equals log of the cube root of e
and
If one plus x: real close to 1
Be raised to the value of 1
upon x, you will find
This neat value defined:
2.718281…
[QUOTE=Green Bean]
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the bucket, they took it.
[/QUOTE]
Paw followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl and the bucket)
Paw said to the man,
“You’re welcome to Nan”.
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
Regards,
Shodan
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller’s son, Jack,
Threw her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
A nearsighted couple named Kelly
Are now stuck fast belly to belly
Because, in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
I am not worthy…
I was challenged by a friend to write a limerick using the word schlong. I produced this two-parter…
There once was a man named Mort
Whose manhood was terribly short
To call it his schlong
Would have been very wrong
Which is why he called it his schlort
His lady had once dated Peter
Whose schlong measured nearly a meter
But she preferred Mort
With his wee little schlort
Cuz he always took time first to eat her…
Here’s one of my favorites:
There once was a [person or place].
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].
And, of course:
A limerick packs laugh anatomical
Into a space quite economical
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Ogden Nash:
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.
There once was a fellow named Dwight,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
He went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
A smiling young lady from Niger
Went out for a ride on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside.
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Regards,
Shodan
The pair followed Paw to Manhasset
Where he still kept the cash as an asset;
Then Nan and the man
Took the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.
There was a young man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick
turned it into a brick,
and it chafed all his foreskin away.
There once was a young man from Uppingham
who stood up on a bridge down at Buckingham,
watching the stunts
of the cunts in their punts
and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them.
From the rocks at the Cove of St Giles
came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the Pope “Goodness gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
forgotten the Bishop has piles?”
“I’ll tell you,” said prom chairman Rowse,
“why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose.
She’s delightfully free
as the wind on the sea,
and besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!”
There once was a young man named Lude
whose girlfriend was kind of a prude.
He got her to eat it
o’er repulsion deep-seated
by saying “Pretend that it’s food!”
There was an old whore from Azores
whose cunt was all covered with sores.
The dogs wouldn’t eat
the hunks of green meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.
When asked by the Duchess at tea
if ever I fart when I pee,
I replied with some wit
“Do you belch when you shit?”
and thought that was one up for me!
Two anthropologists, up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
“But what in the hell’s a ‘panoe’?”