Battle 1: Syrio Forel (Game of Thrones) vs. Westley (The Princess Bride)
How they match up:
Syrio is a Master of the Water Dancing style of fighting, which appears to be closely modeled on fencing. He demonstrates great skill in easily taking out several armed and armored soldiers using only a wooden practice sword before he is eventually taken out by one of the bad guys. Since he was “First Sword” for the Sea Lord of Braavos, we can assume he was very highly skilled, however, we do not see how well he fares against other Masters of Water Dancing. For this fight, he gets to use a true sword instead of a practice sword.
Westley is ambidextrous (though is stronger with his right hand) and is able to beat the highly-skilled swordsman Inigo Montoya after an intense swordfight. (We’re assuming that Westley eventually returns to full strength after having been “mostly dead.”)
Prediction: Syrio has been hearing rumors of a “Dread Pirate Roberts” who has been said to be raiding ships off the coast of Braavos and occasionally coming ashore to plunder warehouses in the docks. He decides to investigate these reports himself, and several hours past dusk he spies a masked man dressed all in black sneaking around in the shadows on the docks. Syrio draws his sword and eases into a Water Dancing stance, then calls out a challenge to the man. Westley seems somewhat surprised to have been spotted, but confidently strides toward the Braavosi while drawing his own sword and assuming a fighting stance. “We don’t have to do this, you know,” Westley offers. “You could look the other way and I could be back to my ship and the docks would go untouched tonight.” Syrio smiles and says, “Perhaps for this night, but will you be back the night after? The First Sword cannot take that risk.” Westley tests Syrio’s defenses with a quick flurry of thrusts which Syrio easily deflects, answering with his own flurry of strikes, which Westely deftly avoids. “I see you have some skill, my friend,” Westley says with a grin, “It’s been some time since I faced a worthy opponent.” “Lay down your sword, and you may live to face another some day,” answers Syrio, also smiling.
They settle back into their fighting stances and begin the dance again in earnest, each probing for a weakness in the other’s defense but finding none. Westley notes that the older man, though employing excellent footwork, relies more on the speed of his hands than anything else and decides to utilize some of his agility to make the fight more interesting. Leaping up onto a small crate, Westley rains down blows on Syrio, switching his sword from one hand to the other and jumping to avoid a sweeping strike from Syrio. Syrio responds by stepping back into a more open space and waits for Westley to come to him. Westley hops down from the crate and approaches Syrio. “Let’s finish this now,” Westley says, “I have other places to be tonight.” A dazzling exchange of swordplay ensues, each man seeming to get the upper hand briefly only to be countered by the other, until Syrio surprises Westley with a leg sweep which puts him on the ground. With that briefest of openings, Syrio uses a deft move to disarm Westley and quickly positions his sword at Westley’s throat. “Yield to me now, pirate, and your life will be spared.” Westley quickly grabs a handful of dirt and flings it at Syrio’s face, distracting the Braavosi just long enough to scramble to his feet and retreat into the shadows. “Perhaps another time, friend!” Westley shouts as he climbs over the crates and disappears into the night.
Winner: Syrio Forel.
Battle 2: Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly) vs. Han Solo (Star Wars)
How they match up:
Mal Reynolds is perhaps the more experienced brawler of the two, and has a bit of a stronger mean streak than Han Solo.
Solo is no slouch either, and may have more experience fighting bigger, tougher alien opponents.
Both will fight dirty without hesitation to gain the upper hand, using deception and tricks to create openings in their opponent’s defenses.
Prediction: Mal and Han are both trying to steal and transport some goods being stored in a warehouse on the planet of Tatooine; Mal is hoping to sell to the highest bidder, Han is still hoping to pay off some gambling debts. Mal sends the crew of Serenity into town to gather some information that might be helpful while he checks out the warehouse for himself. Han tells Chewbacca to stay and work on the Millenium Falcon’s perpetually malfunctioning hyperdrive and decides to case the warehouse for himself.
Mal arrives first and quickly takes out one of the patrolling guards in the warehouse district, taking his uniform to avoid more attention as he seeks the goods. Han arrives shortly after and sees Mal using the guard’s keys to unlock one of the warehouses. Mistaking Mal for a guard, Han sneaks up and prepares to hit him in the head with the butt of his blaster, but Mal hears him approaching and quickly ducks and whirls around to face him, planting a quick punch to the solar plexus of Han Solo. Han has the breath knocked out of him but manages to trip Mal as he tries to scoot away and he dives onto Mal’s back and puts him in a choke hold. Mal manages to twist around and strike Han in the groin several times, causing Han to release his hold to protect himself.
“Enough of this,” they both say in unison as they draw their weapons and fire. They both slump to the ground, badly wounded but alive, and begin crawling back to their respective hideouts.
Winner: Draw.
Battle 3:
Khal Drogo (Game of Thrones) vs. Conan the Cimmerian (Conan books and movies)
How they match up:
Khal Drogo is a barbarian warrior and a ruler of a Dothraki khalasar (horde). He is especially adept at hand-to-hand combat and can defeat (and brutally kill) armed opponents using only his bare hands. The Dothraki traditionally allow their hair to grow in long braids so long as they do not lose a fight, and Khal Drogo’s braid has never been cut. Drogo is extremely strong and exceptionally savage when he fights, and his confidence level is sky-high.
Conan is a bit tricky to scout: depending on how old he is at the time of the battle, and whether we’re going by the Conan of the books, comic books, the Arnold Conan or the Momoa Conan, he’s either an almost superhumanly strong brawler who tends to pummel his opponents with powerful blows from his sword or axe, or he’s a very strong mercenary or pirate or soldier or any number of other things that he’s done throughout his life, picking up many battle skills along the way. The Conan we’ll go with here will be somewhat middle of the road, a fairly young but physically mature and very strong barbarian with a few years of soldiering experience under his loincloth. Conan is light on his feet, moving with the ease and grace of a panther. As a teenager, Conan used his bare hands to break the neck of a wild bull as a rite of passage into manhood. He was one of a horde of Cimmerians who stormed the outpost of Venarium while he was still in his teens. After spending some time soldiering and freelancing for various warring states and tribes, Conan developed good skills in archery and some of the more refined fighting styles of the civilized kingdoms, nevertheless retaining his innate savagery. He is often able to defeat several opponents attacking at once, and has faced and defeating inhumanly strong opponents such as Thak the ape and a number of monstrous beings.
Prediction:
Conan has been riding his horse through the Red Waste for a little while now, and he’s beginning to run low on provisions. He spies Khal Drogo’s khalasar and rides toward it, only to be met by three Dothraki warriors who greet him on horseback with their curved arakh swords drawn. Conan wastes no time on words; he draws his broadsword with his right hand and fills his left hand with a hefty dagger and spurs his horse into a gallop. With a whirl of steel and a fountain of blood, two of the Dothraki lie dead on the sands, while the third starts to bring his horse around for another pass - only to be stopped by Khal Drogo himself, who has come out on foot to see what’s happening.
Drogo shouts a threat to Conan in Dothraki, which is one of the few languages that Conan doesn’t know. Despite the language barrier, Conan has no trouble interpreting the body language of the Khal. Drogo pulls the daggers from his belt and drops them to the ground and continues to taunt Conan, who smiles and dismounts from his horse. Conan warily circles around to the left while he undoes his sword belt and tosses it aside, with Khal Drogo mirroring his every step.
Conan makes the first move, leaping at Drogo and attempting to land a haymaker right at the start, but Drogo quickly sidesteps the lunge and catches Conan with a fist to the back of his head. Conan’s own momentum lessened the impact of the blow, and Conan whirls and manages to catch Drogo’s arm as he follows through on the strike, landing a blow of his own on Drogo’s elbow, nearly dislocating it. Drogo howls in fury and headbutts Conan, which turns out to be a mistake; Conan’s head is rather hard to crack. the headbutt dazes Drogo more than it does Conan, and Conan takes advantage of the opening to deliver a savage knee to Drogo’s midsection. Drogo drops to one knee but reaches out and slams his fists into Conan’s knee, bringing the Cimmerian down to the ground as well. Almost simultaneously, both men wrap their strong hands around each other’s necks, and the battle now comes down to this. Conan begins to feel Drogo’s fingers grip tighter and tighter, though Conan’s own thick neck muscles are unyielding. Still, given time, Drogo might choke the life out of him; Conan recalls the day when, at 15 years old, he used his bare hands to snap the neck of a wild bull, and he smiles. With a mighty surge of strength, Conan twists Drogo’s neck until it snaps and Drogo falls limply to the sands. Conan picks up Drogo’s dagger and cuts off the Dothraki’s braid with it, and the Khalasar prepare to follow their new Khal Conan.
Winner: Conan.