I know there was a thread about this before, but I must be using the wrong terms in the search 'cause I can’t find it (but would appreciate the link even if this thread continues). What are some of the stupidest substitutions for cursing used on network TV when they air feature films? I saw Samuel L. Jackson on Conan the other night, and they showed a clip of the character saying “monkey fighting” for “motherfucking” in Snakes On A Plane. Pretty bad, but surely there are even worse examples. I personally remember when Fletch was shown on TV years ago they replaced “ass face” with “owl face”. What are yours?
In Major League, 3rd baseman Corbin Bernsen walks up to pitcher Charlie Sheen and tells him, “strike this motherfucker out!” When it’s aired on regular TV, it’s changed to “strike this…guy…out!” Whoever did the voiceover of the word “guy” also had a much lower voice than Bernsen. Now, when the Cubs are in need of a strikeout, I say the edited line just as the pitcher is getting ready to pitch when there are already two strikes.
Have to mention This Harry Enfield mickey-take of bad TV editting-for-swearing.
Smokey and the Bandit on TV puts “scum bum” in place of SOB when Gleason says SOB
I love how in the TV version of “Wedding Crashers,” Will Ferrell says “So, What the FREAK do you want?”
The “best” example I ever saw (in terms of “least intrusive”) was in the network broadcast of The Godfather, when Michael Corleone is supposed to go to dinner with the other Mafia boss and corrup cop Sterling Hayden after his father’s been shot. Everyone figures that Michael is the perfect choice as negotiator because he’s not “in the game”, but the plan is for him to excuse himself, go to the restroom and get a gun concealed there, and shoot both guys.
as they’re plabbing this, one family member wants to make sure the gun is in place.
“I don’t want him to come outta there with his dick in his hand,” he says.
For TV they altered this to
“I don’t want him to come outta there there with a stick in his hand.” Almost no change.
Scarface
This is during the interrogation. I can’t really remember exactly what the words are, but I do remember that at one point he’s talking about eating “pu$$y” and they changed the words to eating “pineapple.” Is that a little juice dribbling down your chin? 
I just about peed myself because I was laughing.
Kevin Smith movies never hold up well after re-dubbing. Half of Jay’s lines are changed, and it’s not always subtle.
I watched *Repo Man *on TV. I wondered why they kept talking about gymnastics all the time. “Flip this” and “flip that”. At one point, Otto says, “Flip You!”
That doesn’t even make sense!
In Steve Martin’s “The Jerk”, his dog Shithead becomes Stupid.
“You should call that dog Stupid!”
“Heh, that’s a good idea. C’mon, Stupid!”
In Big Lebowski
John Goodman smashes the car and screams “You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?” In the TV version he says “You see what happens when you have fun with a stranger in the Alps?”
Even better was when on the second use in the same line, it was “monday to friday”. That just cracked me up, that they changed it two different ways. Monkey fighting snakes on a monday to friday plane. You can’t make this [del]shit[/del] shaving cream up.
In Die Hard 3, the villain forces John McClane to go into a predominantly black neighborhood wearing a sandwich sign saying “I hate niggers.”
Here’s the censored version, which really came off as hilarious since it invoked such rage in every black guy that he saw.
I love watching censored movies! They’re so hilarious.
Interrogator: Where’d you get the beauty scar tough guy? Eating pineapple?
Tony: How’m I gonna get a scar like this eatin’ pineapple mang?
Comedy gold!
At least the examples cited in this thread got the original actors to reword their lines. When CBS showed **L.A. Confidential **a few years back, it was painfully obvious they couldn’t get Russell Crowe to redub his lines to make them safe for American network TV.
In the UK they used to show a revoiced Beverly Hills Cop, it was absolutely hilarious. “Get the fuck outtahere” chanegd to “Get the Hell outtahere” with the Hell voiced by somebody with a completely different voice.
Loads of “I’ll get the funster” and “your father was a melon farmer!” type changes in Die Hard etc as well.
Yes, I know this is a zombie thread. I figured it was better to post to this, than to start a new thread on the same topic.
Last month, I watched a clean cable version of Office Space. I thought it was hilarious when they changed “Pound Me In The Ass prison” to “Pound Me Into Glass prison”!
On an airplane, I saw the movie Sideways. They replaced “asshole” with “Ashcroft” every time.
The best, IMHO, is when they replace the word with a garble taken from the same actor’s lines. Can be totally non-distracting.
“We’re gonna mrug you now, sheriff, but we’re gonna mrug you slow…”
Or when they just omit part of the line.
Charles Napier in “The Blues Brothers”: “yer gonna look pretty damn funny eatin’ corn on the cob…with no fuckin’ teeth !”
becomes “yer gonna look pretty damn funny eatin’ corn on the cob” (WTF ?)
Pulp Fiction, when Vincent is in Mia’s bathroom, expressing sexual frustration to himself in the mirror. “I’m going to go home, nod off, then go to sleep.” Nod, huh?
The weirdest was in Ghostbusters. “Yes it’s true your honor, this man has no dick.” became “Yes it’s true your honor, this man is some kind of rodent, I don’t know which.”