The “Is Die Hard a Christmas movie” thread brought this topic to mind. The *Die Hard *TV edit famously has the line “yippee ki-yay Mister Falcon” (and there must be two edits, because I also seem to remember “yippee ki-yay my friend.”)
Anyone got any favorite bowdlerizations?
The Big Lebowski is famous for being bowdlerised for TV, with Walter Sobchak declaring “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!” as he smashes up an expensive car he mistakenly believes belongs to someone he’s trying to intimidate.
The unbowdlerised line was “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”, incidentally.
For years I thought Peter Venkman told the mayor of New York that the EPA guy was “some kind of rodent, I don’t know which.”
The real line is: “Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.”
I still think the edited line is funnier.
“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” - This is arguably better than the original line.
When Blazing Saddles first came to TV, the cacophony of farts in the bean eating scene was dubbed with frantic horses whinnying.
I believe it was Die Hard where I heard “Melon farmer” replacing “motherfucker”. There was also how the TV ruined the best joke in Speed when Alan Ruck is relaying Keanu Reeve’s answers to, um, headquarters. Keanu looks under the bus, sees the bomb and says “Fuck me!” and Alan relays it as “Oh darn!” In the TV version Keanu says “Oh no!”
And nope, I do not remember the characters names.
My favorite because it was so bad was from Police Academy.
The original line is “Nobody fucks with me!” In the TV version you get “Nobody…long pause…[completely different voice with a different volume] PLAYS…long pause…with me”. We thought it was so hilarious it became an inside joke with me and my friends when I was a kid.
I think “melon farmer” is from the TV cut of “Repo Man”.
melon farmer
One I remember is from “Trading Places”. The line “Say man, when I was growing up, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub” became “we had to fight in the tub”. Still made sense, I suppose.
When The Sopranos went from HBO to A&E (I think), every “Cocksucker!” became “Bloodsucker!” and every “Fuck you!” became “Forget you!”
The first time they aired Blazing Saddles on TV, Lili von Shtupp became “Lili von Shhhhhhhhh…” I’m sure just about every other line was cut as well, but that’s the one I remember best. Oddly enough, Mel Brooks himself was reported to have cut a line that even he thought was too gross: When Lili asked Bart in the dark “Is it twue what they say about you people? ** [ZIP!]** Oh, it’s twue! It’s twue!” Bart replied “I hate to tell you this, baby, but that’s my elbow you’re suckin’ on!”
How about Mick Jagger singing “let’s spend some ***time ***together” when the Stones appeared on the Ed Sullivan show?
Accompanied by the biggest roll-eyes the world has ever seen.
When they first broadcast The Godfather on network TV they had to change Sonny’s (James Caan’s) line
“I don’t want him coming out of the bathroom with his dick in his hand”
(referring to Michael Corleone’s getting the stashed gun and shooting Sollozo and Captain McCluskey in the restaurant. In one of the most subtle bowdlerizationbs I know of, they changed the line to:
“I don’t want him coming out of the bathroom with a stick in his hand.”
It sounds almost the same. And it actually makes sense, unlike so many other cleaning jobs.
This movie also features more Flip You’s than a Cirque du Soleil matinee.
LOL. And Mick later tried to deny he actually sang it that way. He told Rolling Stone something like “I never said ‘time,’ I just mumbled. I said mmmm. Let’s Spend Some Mmmm Together.” Sorry, Mick, we’ve seen the reruns!
Not a line, but a moment: When Revenge of the Nerds was shown on TV, they cut the part where the kid watching the live feed from Pi Alpha Pi came in in his pants. :smack:
When they showed Animal House on TV, the part where the padding fell out of Katie’s bra was also cut. 
I don’t think I ever knew what movie this was, it was just something I stopped on briefly while channel surfing, but one man told another to stop thinking with his duck.
In My Cousin Vinny, Vinny’s girlfriend refuses to answer a question during the trial because “It’s a bogus question!” It kept the meaning of the sentence nicely.
I think I’ve seen it edited as “yippee ki-yay yippee ki-yay”, even though that didn’t match his lips very well.
I watched Sideways on a plane and “asshole” was “Ashcroft”.
In* Major League*, Roger Dorn tells Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, “strike this motherfucker out.” In some edits I’ve seen on TV, it becomes “strike this…guy…out.” Note the long pauses. To top it off, whoever said the word guy had a much lower voice than Dorn.