You might try having a preliminary conversation where you review the basic point of manners–that politics and religion aren’t dinner table conversation. That point gets a little fuzzy for people who spend all their time among people who agree with them, but it’s still just as true as the part about not chewing with your mouth open. See if you can get everyone to agree to that rule for the actual meal, then play something neutral like Yahtzee or Boggle after dinner. Do not, under any circumstances, play Scruples (voice of experience).
I advise against the drinking. That doesn’t help anyone hold their tongue. Drink afterward on your own if need be.
This post does remind me of a hilarious scene from the TV show Soap. The Texan relatives were welcoming some visitors with “You’re our first ho-mos” and the metropolitan visitors replied “That’s great, you’re our first Texans.” (I realize you and the SO are not gay, but for some values of Texan you can substitute liberal in the joke, I think). I’m not doing it justice, but with the accents it cracked me up.
Joining the others who suggest concentrating on your grandpa. Dig out the photos of your grandparents in their youth and your parents in their toddler years - the ones where they’re too young to remember.
I really wish I knew who the other people are with my grandmother in this one photo and the occasion on which it was taken. The ladies are dressed in 1920s flapper dresses and cloche hats, and the men are all dapper in suits and wingtips. My grandfather is not among them. Ummmhmmmm.
They’ve had their warning. If they bring up those topics, leave. Literally - get up and walk out of the room/house.
Unless things go miraculously well, make a mental note to skip the family gatherings next year. You can have perfectly nice visits without the stress of having a perfect Thanksgiving or whatever.
I vote for making it about Grandpa. Ask him questions about his youth. Videotape the stories; he’s got a lot of great stories that are going to be gone forever if you don’t record them. By rights, spending time with him and talking with him should dominate the holiday.
The election will be over, so we’ll hope that tensions will have died down. If they start in, you can deflect with the “it’s about Grandpa” statement.
I’m all for the path of least resistance. You clearly have no interest in making your political or religious arguments at dinner, so don’t. Remember: an argument takes two people. Someone starts ranting about a point you disagree with? Don’t talk back, but don’t walk out either. Why be confrontational - YOU are there to have a good time with family. Just smile non-committaly and focus on your turkey. They will run out of steam eventually if no one is encouraging them. If someone is attacking you (“How could you think…?”), they are the one being rude - at which point you can simply put it off. Don’t disagree with them - it’s not worth it. Just say “I’d love to discuss this with you further, but this turkey is so good I’m having trouble channeling rational arguments!” etc. etc. Make a joke out of, but don’t engage in arguments. They want to say grace? Volunteer to lead it. Let your bf lead it if he is willing. No one will complain if he prays to God and doesn’t mention Jesus. You can talk about being thankful for family etc. without bringing in jesus, god, or whoever you are thanking. Frankly, I know it’s family, but from what I’ve read of your posts, you are more than smart enough to deal with this.
I’m the conservative in my family and whenever they start talking politics I try my best to deflect my side of the conversation to someone that has a similar view point with them. Politics isn’t as interesting when the two people talking about it agree so after a rant or two they usually stop.
Keep your mouth shut and try not to vomit when they’re spewing the their opposing view points!
In my family we usually go with the “pretend everything is fine” method. It has more or less worked for years now. (I personally hate it, but so goes life)
Last holiday I spent with my family, which sounds mostly like pbbth’s was for much the same reason - it was likely to be my grandmother’s last. Only survived it by getting our own hotel room after the first night and dealing with the family in small, controlled bursts. I waited until everyone was together and then just came in and joined the fray most days. Made it easier to go from person to person and never get into any serious conversations.
I’ve seen them since, but never all in one place and never near Thanksgiving or Christmas. There are reasons I didn’t introduce my husband to my family until after we were married.
Any chance of staying at a hotel, rather then at your parents?
Even if you are at their house for breakfast at 6AM and don’t leave until 11PM, having your own room, away from everyone else, can be a really nice break. It also gives you some place to go if you need a cooling down time.
Gee Mom, we figured we’d get a room, so there was less people using the shower.
Gee Dad, we figured we’d get a room, then people can come over and use the pool
Sorry, Boyfriend has a tricky back, and sleeping on that old hideabed will be murder on it. So we got our own room.
Years and years ago my sister brought a boyfriend home for Christmas.
My family is diverse in its tolerance and political beliefs - at this point in time my grandfather was starting to have the bluntness that only comes when your mind is starting to go…
At some point he made some racist comment about Jews.
Her new boyfriend did not skip a beat - responding with “um…I’m Jewish” (he wasn’t - he was Catholic). Even my grandfather blushed a bit. The boyfriend let him off the hook sometime after dessert…
Anyway, warn your boyfriend that this is engrained behavior for your family. Remind your family before arriving that your boyfriend is, in fact, Jewish and that sort of implies that Jesus is NOT the reason for any season in his life and they may want to be a little more cautious about what they say than usual. They care about you enough to not only tolerate your nutty liberalism and heretical boyfriend, but to actively want to see you for the holidays. Then practice ignore and deflect as much as possible for the weekend. “How 'bout them ______?” “Great weather down here.” “How is Cousin Martha?, I haven’t seen her in years.”
I doubt that your grandfather really cares who won the election, but he will care about who showed up at Thanksgiving. Be at your best to make it pleasantly memorable FOR him. If the political gibberish starts up, casually remind them of your intentions for dear old grand-dad. It just may shut them all up.
I completely forgot the photo’s. My mother made photo albums for each of her kids of all her photo’s. I didn’t find out until the funeral that the “scarf” she was wearing in a childhood photo was actually a bandage from an operation. She had showed me the hospital (now a rundown apartment) where she had the operation but never explained the picture to me. I know very little of my father’s pictures.
Call Grandpa/Grandma and everyone else and tell them to bring pictures. Bring a bunch of sticky notes to write on or get them to identify everyone on the back. Use pencil as that will preserve the picture (ink can bleed through). You’ll need a very soft leaded pencil to do this. You can also video tape them talking about the pictures and make sure they are pointing to each person as they talk. That’s really the easiest and most fun method. You will be a family hero for setting this up.
As for the stories. I once had a conversation with my Uncle and he told me the most facinating tail of ferrying a WWII bomber to South America after the war. He wasn’t a pilot but ended up as a co-pilot after one of them became ill enroute. As a pilot myself I was spellbound by his story which could easily be made into a movie. It was that interesting.