Not sure where this belongs…I’ll let the moderators decide.
We had this discussion at work today…and I’d like to see what you guys think. How does someone that is bi-sexual pick their life-long mate? And once that mate has been chosen…won’t that person always wonder if they are meeting all the “sexual” needs of the bi-sexual partner?
“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
I have known quite a few Bi people and none of them were commited to any one person for too long. Some of them tried marriage, but alwasy ended up bringin a 3rd person in, which, eventually, tore things apart with that little beast of jealousy which lurks within us all.
The greater your dreams, the more terrible your nightmares.
Once a fence-sitter, always a fence-sitter.
One who cant commit to themselves and decide on only one sex, but uses the “wishy-washy” I love everyone regardless of gender for who they are story, cannot ever have a meaningful monogamous relationship with a member of ONE gender. These people are very similar in my beliefs to sex addicts, whos motto is “I am in a committed and loving relationship, unless you were interested.”
or “I like to call our marriage an OPEN marriage, since im always open to new partners”
Sick! Sick! world
That would be a tough choice. I dont think I would marry or get seriously involved with someone who is bi for exactly that reason Burn. How would you know if you were truly satisfying them or not and there would always be that bit of doubt hanging in the back of your mind.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
Now wait a minute.
How does being bi-sexual affect your morality?
If a person can’t handle a monogamous relationship, it’s not because they’re bi, or straight, or gay.
i’m not flaming y’all, I just don’t agree with y’all’s point of view.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
I’m not saying all bi people are unable to commit, I’m just saying all the bi people i know can’t commit for a long period of time, just a case study of a cross section of the population if you will.
There are always exceptions to the rule, maybe I know all of them?
The greater your dreams, the more terrible your nightmares.
I didnt say anything about morality Seale, I dont think there is anything immoral about it, just as I dont if a person is a gay or lesbian. These are all lifestyle and personal choices and everyone has that right to make those choices. For me, entering into a relationship means monogamy from the start, not sharing.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
There’s a difference (or should be . . .) between what you desire and what you do. I’m heterosexual and married. I find women other than my wife attractive. Were I not married, I would attempt to attract them as potential sexual partners. Since I am married, and value the commitment I’ve made to my wife, I don’t attempt to fulfill those desires.
Whether or not you can commit to a monogamous relationship (or even want to) is, I suspect, less a matter of your sexuality than your interest in a monogamous relationship in the first place.
All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases.
It’s all frightfully romantic.
Heavenly Creatures, scr. Walsh & Jackson
But Jabeca the point is…
What if you had a sexual need to be with men as well?? Your wife could never ever fulfill that need…
The question is then how did you decide to be with a woman forever? and Does she feel like she fulfills all of your needs.
-Frankie
Lack of charisma can be fatal
Well, heck. I’ll flame y’all, if mildly.
Same way as a het or a gay person does, just from a larger pool.
Won’t that person wonder anyway? What if your straight partner has some desire, fetish or preference and is too shy to bring it up? Sexual politics are part of most marriages. People in love get past them.
Do not leap from the few specific people you know to the general. I could make this statement about may hets and gays I know. That wouldn’t make it true generally.
Nice generalization. Is it also true of people who for a long time can’t commit to a single straight or gay partner but then fall in love and then decide to commit?
Your beliefs are flat wrong.
How do you know now? Communication, I suppose. Why is it impossible to believe that a bisexual partner might communicate honestly on this subject?
I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
Well…to me if someone is in a monogamous relationship…then how can they call themselves bi-sexual??? They are either straight or gay. This is the same opinions that we talked about at work. If someone has the guts to come out and admit they are bi… to me that says they have the same sexual attraction to men as to women…and to women as to men. It is not a question of morality…it is a question of preference. I can’t see a bi-sexual person that practices bisexuality being in a monogamous relationship…unless of course their partner does not consider having sex with the same sex as cheating or not being monogamous…
“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
Well, Frankie, I think part of the package deal with a monogamous relationship is realizing that not every sexual “need” I have is going to be satisfied again. That’s not a catastrophe.
An example: I’m 29 and my wife’s the same age. Let’s say that in 20 years I have the sexual “need” to sleep with a 19-year-old. My wife would not be able to satisfy that desire.
I have choices at that point. I could decide that my need for a decades-younger sexual partner was more important than a monogamous relationship. I could decide that fantasy works just fine. I could realize that needs and desires aren’t the same thing, and think the problem away. Or I could decide to screw a 19-year-old without telling my wife.
I think that’s analogous to desiring a man. I don’t, although I don’t have a problem with the concept. I don’t think that sexual orientation equates with the physical act, however. I was heterosexual when I was a virgin – I knew who I fantasized about, and none of them were men. Several gay people I know were the same way; they always knew who they fancied, even when it was just fantasy. Bisexuals are just people who fancy members of both sexes, not people who need to do anything specific with their genitalia.
All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases.
It’s all frightfully romantic.
Heavenly Creatures, scr. Walsh & Jackson
Ill go with what manhattan says. Also, picking someone of the same sex pretty much means you won’t be able to ever marry them.
fuzzy, all het or all gay persons are very rare. We talked about this before extensively. 1=all straight 6=all gay
ALmost everyone was between 2-5
That’s what I get for rushing off a quick post before leaving. 
CanadianSue: I posted my reply as yours hit; I was replying to the OP. Sorry for the confusion.
jabeca and manhattan have stated what I wanted to say even better than I did.
The way I see it, if there is some unfulfilled urge of any kind, and I’m in a commited relationship, then the first thing I’ll do is find a tactful way to talk about it.
The cool thing is that then she can relate her desires and fantasies to me.
If one of us isn’t being fulfilled sexually, then the blame is on both of us.
It seems to me that this policy of communication and honesty would work with gender issues as well as any other issues that come up in a relationship.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Now Sealemon you do have me confused…if she is bi…which by your post we are assuming that you are saying if you had a bi girlfriend…she could tell you all her desires and fantasies…and that if there was some sexual desire unfulfilled it is both your faults…hmmm well how is it your fault if she wants and desires to be with a woman for a night or two…I’m sorry guy but all the communications in the world ain’t gonna make you have the right equipment… she can tell you all her desires…but that don’t mean you can fulfill them.
Handy…I didn’t see the earlier thread on this…sorry about that…maybe the people that posted to it will just skip this one then. I didn’t see one…must have been some time back.
“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
Noooo Manny I didnt mean that bi people cant communicate honestly… I just would always have that nagging feeling is all. I’m sure he would communicate to me how he was feeling if I were in such a relationship… Communication is very important to me in any relationship, friendship or romantic.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
Ah, now that’s a tougher issue. It’s fairly common, and current sexual politics have magnified the way many people view it. Try to think about it this way. Instead of a sexual past that you are unable to fulfill, imagine that Mr. CanadaSue has some sexual “need” that you were unwilling to fulfill (no jokes, you lurkers!). I’d like to think that the two of you would be able to talk it out. If he said that he was perfectly willing to forgo that “need” forever, without regret, in order to be with you, you’d pretty much have to believe him, no? Same thing here.
Being unable to satisfy some sexual desire, whether it is as deeply ingrained as bisexuality or a simple preference a for taller/shorter/fatter/skinnier partner, is a part of any relationship. All I’m saying is that it is possible (and not infrequent) to get past it if the commitment is otherwise there.
I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
Well, one of my best friends is bi-sexual. He got maried, but before he did, he told me he was giving up on men.
The reason he did this was because, even though he was (and presumably still is) attracted to men sexually, he (in his exact words) “couldn’t see himself kissing and falling in love with a man.”
By no means is this an example of what ALL bi-sexual people decide on, but it’s an opinion different from the “lacking commitment” one above (no offense, Burn).
Yer pal,
Satan
Makes me think of Ani Difranco. She’s a bisexual who’s married to a man. At some Gay and Lesbian Award Event, some journalist asked why she was there, since she is now in a committed hererosexual relationship.
She said something like her sexuality has more to do with who she is than with the kind of person she is having sex with at any given time. I think it’s a great sentiment and I wish I had the exact quote.
I’m not perky.
I guess it’s time for a living breathing example of what all you folks are talking about to stand up and be counted.
Yes, I’m bisexual. Yes, I’m married to a woman. No, marrying Mrs. Chef didn’t make me stop desiring men. YES, it did make me stop sleeping with them. There’s desire, and then there’s action. I can do nothing to stop desiring (and wouldn’t want to), but I CAN stop myself from acting on those feelings. That’s what wedding vows are all about. When I slipped the ring on her finger, I officially became an Andreasexual. That is the ONLY way you can look at it if you want the relationship to succeed.
To people who say that she cannot fulfil my every sexual need, I say: DUH! There’s plenty of things that I COULD do with Mrs. Chef that would feel to me not unlike sleeping with a man (getting a BJ or some backdoor action, if I’d not be offendin’ yer tender ears)…but she doesn’t want to do those things. And that is the end of that story. Her wish to not do them outranks my wish to do them. However much I might wish she’d change her mind, I don’t hassle her about it.
As for HER worrying that she could never satisfy me…she doesn’t know I was bi. Nor will she ever know. She couldn’t handle it one little bit, and that part of my life is closed off now, so I see no reason to tell her. (I last slept with a man 13 years ago, and I’ve been tested since then, so AIDS isn’t an issue.)
Oh, and Sealemon, I believe you were asking earlier why someone seemed to feel that bisexuality impacted morality. I think the point that was being made was that the desire for both men and women cannot possibly be accomodated in only one other person, so bisexuality (in the sexually active, sleeping with men and women concurrently sense) is incompatible with fidelity.
In any case, what I see here are a bunch of people who are NOT bi speaking forth on the bi condition. Lay off. You may think you understand it, but really…how can you?
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef