I would guess it’s pretty common. I’m like that with my wife. I cook sometimes, but just for fun. She does the normal cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
Any work which is dangerous, or dirty, or involves heavy lifting or operating machinery is mine. If we drive somewhere as a family, I do most or all of the driving. If there is a large insect which needs to be killed, I normally am the one who does it. I mow the lawn. If animals wander onto our property, I deal with them which includes cleaning up their s*** sometimes. I do minor maintenance on her car. I’m the one who get the computer working if it has problems. If there is a blizzard, I am normally up at the crack of dawn clearing the driveway and our cars while my wife is in the house drinking hot chocolate with the children.
I work a job which is much more demanding (and higher paying) than my wife’s government job. I also bear the burden of leading the family.
The point is that just because the guy seems to be chilling out when you are over and the wife is doing all the work doesn’t mean that labor is divided unevenly or unfairly.
Also, they may not admit it, but a lot of girls appreciate a man who insists on taking his traditional role.
Clarification: when we arrived he was painting. He was showing off his models to us. I excused myself to go put groceries away and help his wife. My fiancee offered to keep an eye on her kids in the other room, during which she played a “game” that got them to put all their toys away in the family room where we planned to eat. after his wife had a handle on it, I went back out to the garage offering beer I had brought. We all ate together in the family room.
Later, biblical friend, other friend/wife decided to hit the store before closing time. They invited us to join but we declined. Wife declined further help so we decided to say our goodbyes, wife stayed behind to put kids to bed (apologized to us for the mess)
When you weigh this statement against everything else you’ve said about him . . . why is this person your friend? I feel bad just having to share the planet with jerks like him, and you actually *choose *to associate with him.
Well … it’s not like I made a big show of it. I just basically said, 'Welp … gotta go, see ya." And my crack about him being stabbed was said humorously enough that I don’t think he thought I was serious.
Believe, me, I would have loved to have gone up one side of him and down the other … I just don’t normally do stuff like that.
I have heard of this movement “Created to be His Helpmeet”, which still sounds more insane than anything I’d want to do, but like Two Many Cats says, it’s about protecting the so-called weaker sex as much as anything.
nah, this isnt a biblical marriage by any stretch of the truth, only by a stretch of the imagination.*** I*** am in a biblical marriage. Yep, single income family, with a stay at home parent who does the majority of houswork and daily child rearing. Then when my wife gets home from work, she helps out around the house with our little guest and what ever chores need doing so we can both have a lighter load. Somedays I have a light load and greet her with a drink and back rub, somedays its reversed. OP’s “freind” is an abusive shit
To me it seems they are following Old Testament rules and laws, a system designed by God to fail. So it is a biblical marriage in the respect it is laid out to try to make it work and find that it can’t. Usually the sooner it fails the better, perhaps the marriage can be reformed in mutual Love for God and each other, but perhaps divorce is going to be the conclusion. Either way they need to be broken out of that mold to truly live IMHO
One theory my other friend has is that he is putting us on. “who knows how they act when nobodys around” is what he says often. That he messes with his wife in front of us, and that his wife is in on it.
But wouldn’t it make more sense that its the other way around? Honestly I can only imagine- that hes even more bossy/apathetic.
As for bringing it up to him, I’m torn. He’s been married for nine years- and i’ll just be GETTING married next month. I feel like.hes confident he has a succesful marraige because of what hes doing. I think itll be easier to convince my other friend how disrespectful he is being and sit down with biblical guy as a combined front- that might get the message across.
Inc – can I call you Inc? – I doubt you’re going to make much headway. It’s not like you’re going to sit down with this dude, and open his eyes to what a dick he’s being. He knows he’s being an asshole to his wife, he just doesn’t care because he has a nice excuse bound in leather, with gilt edges, provided by the Gedeons.
I say cut him loose and find some normal people to hang out with.
I’ve always found it best to stay out of other people’s relationships. Your friend’s wife is a grown woman. I’m sure that she’s heard of the options that she has available to her. What you’ve described doesn’t appear to fall into the category of physical abuse.
Lead by example in how you treat your own wife (fiance’) when you are around them.
Is your fiance friends with his wife? She might be able to feel out the situation from the wife’s point of view and see if she really is happy in her situation or if she is miserable and doesn’t know how to leave.
Huh. I know one couple that has an explicitly “biblical marriage” (their words) and lots more that wouldn’t put it in those words but have a religiously-based marriage where one partner works and the other predominantly takes care of the kids – and not one of them sounds like the one in the OP. In all of them the working partner is respectful to the non-working one and helps out with the housework and kids.
The dad in the explicitly biblical marriage, in fact, is the most involved working dad I’ve ever seen.
Yep, that’s the Debi Pearl/No Greater Joy book. The Pearls, BTW, are some of the most awful people on earth–look up “To Train Up a Child” if you want proof.
I think everyone probably agrees that the couple doesn’t actually have a marriage that a normal person would call “Biblical” as in something the Christian God would approve of. Even the people promoting this system (which is a modern re-interpretation of scripture from a very narrow and particular POV) probably wouldn’t say that this is a working “Biblical marriage” as they define it–the husband is supposed to be serving and protecting his wife and making her happy within the structure they’ve adopted.
The trouble is that the system the patriarchalists promote is very prone to breaking down in exactly this way. The burdens are nearly always placed disproportionately on the woman, and whatever problems arise are generally blamed on her too. It’s not a good system for men either–they’re completely responsible for all the income and the leadership, and don’t have an equal to bounce things off of.
And it’s a hard system to get out of, because it’s designed so that the main sufferer (the wife) has also placed all her belief and self-worth into a system that tells her that this is the only right way to live and if she doesn’t manage it, it’s her fault for not being righteous enough. Assuming (hypothetically) that the wife in this case is unhappy, she almost certainly blames herself for that while simultaneously believing that this is the only way God approves of.
That’s not to say at all that a marriage with a SAHM and a working dad is bad; I’ve mostly done that myself. IMO the problem is the specific philosophy called patriarchalism/Quiverfull/etc.
It means he “bears the burden” of having a slave to his every whim and has the awful task of judging whether someone else’s hard work lives up to his standards. Much like being a CEO, this job is much, much harder than it looks. Really. And, this hurts me more than it hurts you.