Recently I’ve been seeing a woman who is wonderful. She’s smart, interesting, beautiful, relaxed, and open, and we’ve been having a marvelous time.
So far it’s been ‘nothing serious’, but I think there’s great potential here. However, one thing that has me a little nervous is that we do not share the same faith, even on the most simple level. She goes to a baptist church, and her relationship with Jesus is very important to her (we actually talked a bit about it), and there are some things she takes quite at face value in a historical context from the Bible.
I, on the other hand, go to a Unitarian Universalist church, was brought up culturally Jewish, and am very solidly an athiest.
In friendships this sort of thing is never a problem, but I’m concerned about what it might mean in the context of a relationship.
Fortunately, it’s something we’ll be able to talk about pretty frankly, but I’d like to know if any of you all have been in a similar situation. I think it could be a challenge for both of us, but not one that we’d be necessarially be adverse to. As I’ve said, everything else is fabulous, and I’d like to make this work, but it has me just a bit nervous.
Atheist here married to a Christian woman for 13 years. Our differing beliefs has posed absolutely no problems for us, probably because we respect each other’s world views even if we don’t agree with them. I think anothe reason that this hasn’t been a big issue for us is that this doesn’t have a lot to do with the “real world” (at least for us). I think we would have had more conflicts if we disagreed on finances or raising children.
This was the reason for the dissolution of Mr. Kitty’s first marriage; after a Significant Life Event he became agnostic, while she (and the kids) remained staunchly Baptist. She claimed to be okay with it at first, but eventually interactions became hell on earth (pardon the pun), including her leaving post-it notes around the house with “amen” and “hallelujah” written on them (Mr. Kitty found one under the mattress of the marital bed as he was moving her out). I don’t know if it was worse because there were kids involved (the kids went with her, and made some very ugly comments to Mr. Kitty over the years regarding his afterlife), but I know it was quite nasty.
I would say tread very carefully, and make sure that when she says she’s okay with your beliefs, that she really means it.
Eonwe, there’s Christian and then there’s Christian. Call me a pessimist, but I can’t see the scenario you have painted working out; the incompatability is too large. The kind of Christianity your friend seems to espouse I don’t see as being a “live and let live” kind of Christianity – it’s more of an evangelizing kind of Christianity that your atheism would chafe on.
I say this as an atheist who is married to a woman who is, I would say, more than nominally Christian. But she’s culturally Catholic, with all the latitudinarianism that implies. We can get along fine by just not discussing the subject – and I think neither one of us really wants to. Plus, I have no objection to the kids being raised as Catholic. Not to scandalize anybody, but it’s a pretty thin veneer these days.
I would never go so far as to say it will never work out, but it will be a source of great conflict and stress, guaranteed. If she really believes the Baptist teachings then she really will believe you are going to Hell if you aren’t ‘born again’. So she will suffer terror for your soul and try to convert you, either overtly, or she will pray for you constantly to change your mind. Can you take that? Do your beliefs matter to you as much as hers do to her? How much pressure is her family likely to put on her to get you to attend church or otherwise participate in their rituals? Is there a chance that you will have children and if so what will you teach them?
My wife won’t go so far as saying she’s now an atheist, but she’s definately no longer xian. I fondly remember the chewing out she gave me a good seven years ago after seeing some extremely blasphemous pictures in the Subgenious literature I was reading at the time.
For someone who is committed to following the Christian faith, it is against biblical principles to start a relationship (other than friendship) with a nonbeliever. Mostly for reasons such as XaMcQ states above. Of course, not all Christians have the same level of commitment to their faith, and not all people who call themselves Christian are agreed on what they believe, but that’s another subject.
A quick hijack: I find it really interesting that of the people who have identified themselves above, all of them have the woman being religious and the man being atheist. Fascinating. ^:dubious:^
Anyhow, I would liken the situation to a vegetarian being involved with a carnivore. Sure, a militant vegan probably won’t get along with someone who likes to kill and consume cute little bunnies. However not all vegetarians are shrill and scary PETA members, and not all meat-eaters like to consume raw flesh and wear pelts.
As I think someone has already said, it really is about respect. As long as both parties are willing to identify this as a source of potential conflict and be honest about their true feelings, it will sort itself out for the best.
It doesn’t entirely relate, but it still does to some extent. Some of the closest friends I have ever had (one was, in fact, the closest while the other was some where farther down the list), were both (female) devout Christians. They both would whitness to me, and I enjoyed it. I never tried to make them agnostic, but I would constantly try to build their faith by asking questions and getting them to think through possibly new scenarios. I have read a lot of the Bible and find most of the stories fascinating, so I am a good source of Christian themed discussions. In that regard, both friendships actually benefited our beliefs, although not in the same manner.
Now, for relationships, I am not too sure. However, good relationships start with good friendships, and all of that.
Not in my marriage. I am an athiest, my husband is Catholic. He practice his faith, but he does believe in God and an afterlife. I think that believing in a god is as ridiculous as believing in leprechauns.
We’ve had debates about it, but neither of us try to change the other because it’s not important to us. (We just love to debate-- our house is like the Dope, complete with exclamations of “Cite?”)
I couldn’t live with an active Christian-- I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t respect my beliefs.
More seriously, anyone contemplating marriage should make sure that this sort of issue isn’t going to get in the way of friendship. Love is blind, and can blind us to any problems with our loved ones. But it’s not permanent. Ask yourself - “If I didn’t love her, would I be able to be her friend, despite her views?” If the answer is “no”, then - unfortunately - she’s not the one for you.
I former wife was a Christian and I am an Atheist.
Even though we may be divorced now, our differences in faith certainly didn’t have a play in that.
As a matter of fact; We were both so secure in our beliefs that we could actually debate the subject at lenght with out worrying about upsetting the other. (Which is about the only thing I miss about her.)
That said, my ex-wife wasn’t a Babptist. I grew up Babptist and all I can say is shudder. I’m not so sure your situation will work out so well.
I’m an agnostic/weak atheist who has been with my Catholic wife for going on 16 years. Religion has rarely been much of an issue for us because we decided early in our relationship to leave each other to our own beliefs and not try to change each other. She’s raising our kids as Catholic, something I was initially hesitant about but which is not turning out to bother me much at all.
I’ve asked my wife if she ever secretly worries about my soul because I don’t believe in God. She says, she doesn’t believe it could possibly be true that anyone would go to Hell just for being an atheist. I think she’s actually kind of dubious that Hell exists at all.
I think that the stability of a relationship like this really depends on how fanatical either person is about their beliefs. It might even be an individual personality thing as much as a religious thing. I know that some people say they can’t imagine being married to someone who doesn’t share their faith and I’ve heard atheists say they could never be married to a theist. I think if it’s the right person you sort of just forget to care about it.
I fondly remember the chewing out she gave me a good seven years ago after seeing some extremely blasphemous pictures in the Subgenious literature I was reading at the time.