I was wondering if you think it would be possible for a Christian and an Atheist to be together long-term… like life. Now I’m not making any plans yet, but I just want to know if I’m wasting my time.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 15 months, and she is a really Christiany Christian, and she knows I’m an atheist, but we never seem to discuss it anymore. It seemed like a factor in the beginning of out relationship, but now it seems as if we both overlook it. She goes to teach her Vacation Bible School, and I go pick her up after and take her home. She doesn’t try to involve me in it anymore, but I don’t blame her. Not my cup of tea.
I am very flexable as far as raising the kids goes. I was raised Christian, grew up, and made my own decisions. I just don’t want for them to become so indoctrinated that they can’t make their own desicions about religion. I want them to grow up the same way I did. Not necissarily(sp?) with the same result though.
Anyway, I don’t think the kids are an issue. I was wondering more about our own person-person relationship. Do you think it will last, or will it just be too high-maintenance for either of us to enjoy it. We’ve been happy so far, but what do you think of the future? Is it bound to crumble, or do we have a chance. Oh yeah, and I really DO love her.
I believe it could last…love is more important than religion.If you love her than it can last but she has to be willing to let the kids (when and if you have any) decide what they believe and not to be forced into something blindly without looking at the facts about it.And you have to try not to force your beliefs on them
Well, Chek, this is really more of an IMHO issue, but I’ll give it a shot here.
I know this probably won’t help, but…it all depends.
It depends on her level of committment to her religion. Is she just committed to it because that’s how she was raised and etc i.e. a social committment? Or is she heart-n-soul committed to it because that’s what she believes in the very depth of her being?
The reason I ask is that depending on where she falls in this spectrum will give you an idea on what kind of value she places on it and where you fit in it. There are some denominations where marrying a non-Christian is almost unheard of and given the kind of welcome ants are at a picnic.
If her religion is a life-consuming passion to her, you may want to have some serious discussions with her to make sure she understands just where you’re coming from. I would hate to see the “I’ll change him/bring him to the Lord/make him start going to church” thing happen after you get married (if that’s the plan).
It may depend on how important it is to her more than how important it is to you. You don’t seem to have a big problem with it but she may start to have a problem with your ‘lack of participation’ if/when you have children and it comes time to raise them. I wish I had some specific advice but all I can say is sometimes these things start small and grow to be much bigger issues. I suggest you talk to her and find out how she feels about the issue and ask her if you feel like this might grow into some sort of marriage breaker.
I’m a Unitarian and my husand is an atheist. Of course, there isn’t alot of room for conflict there.
But I have friends, he’s a atheist, she’s a Baptist (one of the liberal, non-gay hating, non-literlist kinds, but a Baptist) who goes to church once or twice a week. They have kids. Its working out fine.
Possible areas of conflict to address.
Do you think she’ll change?
Does she think you’ll change?
Do you care how she spends her Sunday mornings (Wednesday nights, whatever)? Especially if she leaves you with two little kids while she goes off to Bible study?
Is she going to be ok introducing you to her friends?
Can you be discreet? Can she?
and finally, the biggest area of conflict…what happens with children? Are you comfortable with her church and their RE program for your kids? If not, you got a problem on its way.
I think two adults who are willing to respect each others beliefs can do fine. I suspect you are underestimating the kid thing. Talk about how you are going to handle Christmas and Easter. About the need for the kids to go to Sunday School and Bible Camp. About what she will do if the kids question, and what you will do if you think they are becoming indoctrinated.
Personally, I think it’s a long shot for it to work. While it’s possible for two adults to stay together without bringing up the issues in which they disagree, these issues can’t be avoided once the kids arrive. And what sort of world-view the kids are raised with is a serious issue.
Can it be done? No doubt there are many success stories out there. But I’m willing to bet that the failures outnumber them.
I’ll agree with others who have said it depends on her level of committment ot her religion.
I’m an atheist and my husband is Hindu. He’s not very religious and since Hinduism doesn’t have the, “you must believe as I do or burn in hell” factor that Christianity has, whether or not I belive as he does is not a pressing issue for my husband. I would imagine that if your girlfiend is a born-again Christian that she will feel it incumbant upon herself to save your soul. Other varieties of Christians may see things differently.
What will happen with our son (due in January)is still unclear. While I have no objection if my husband wants to take him to temple or if my parents (Christians) want to take him to church, I’m going to have a hard time answering his inevitable questions.
What do I say to him, for example, when he tells me that Daddy said a goat sacrifice saved Uncle Prakash’s business or that Grandma said they prayed for financial wisdom and God told them what to do? How can I explain that I think that’s all a crock while not degrading Daddy and Grandma? To simply go along with it doesn’t sit well with me as I feel it is my duty to prepare/educate my child as best I can (which doesn’t include withholding what I believe to be truth). I don’t know what I shoud do, and I don’t expect I’ll ever find a good way to deal with it. No doubt Little Lucky will be scarred for life.
My parents managed to do this, sort of. My mom is a fairly liberal Catholic, but one of those that still says a rosary every morning and whatnot, so her faith is obviously really important to her. I always classified my dad as a “non-believer” - I’m not really sure what his religious views are, but he only went to church with us once or twice on Christmas, and only because we were going out to dinner afterward.
I’ve heard family members say that when they were about to get married my dad pitched a shit fit when he found out that the Catholic church demanded blind obedience and marriage classes, and he didn’t want to get married in the church at first, but they ended up doing it anyway. My brother and I were raised Catholic, and it turned out to be 50% successful (he goes to church with his wife and I suppose believes what he’s told, and I’m an atheist, although mom doesn’t know this yet). I always felt a little different than the other kids in my cathechism class, not only because my family didn’t pray before dinner and my dad didn’t come to my First Communion, but because I had a healthy dose of skepticism that I know now came from my dad. I didn’t blindly believe what my teachers told me; I’d always go home and think about it and come up with my own ideas about things.
So, it is possible, although it may not turn out exactly the way you planned. Be tolerant of each other, and realize that your future children are going to get the best of both worlds. And be tolerant as well of their future beliefs, whatever they may be.
My last girlfriend and I had a serious religous conflict. I’m an atheist, and she’s the anti-Christ. <ba-rum-pum>
But seriously folks, I am an atheist, and I was dating a very religous girl a couple years back. Not only didn’t it work out, but she left the country to become a missionary. Hmmm… At least that what her story was…
When we married (20 years ago) I was a regular church-goer, and my wife didn’t care much one way or another. Within 5 years, I drifted into apostacy, and later, she became the church-goer. We’re still together, and have three kids. It’s never been a source of serious conflict with us. She takes the kids to church, but does not force them. I explain to them (if they’re interested) why I don’t go.
When she wanted to baptize/confirm them, I told her I would not stand in the way, but that I would not participate. I could only imagine that our differences would become a problem if either one of us tried to shove it down the other’s throat (and I can see that it could be that way for other people).
I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I believe her “church friends” probably think I don’t go to church because I’m lazy, I want to say it’s because I’m athiest, but I avoid it.
I think that it’s possible. Of course, in my more rash moments, I have also thought that having a physical relationship with a cartoon character was possible…
Seriously, though, it can work. My boyfriend is Catholic (admittedly, he’s not terribly religious, but he does have faith). When we first met, I was a Satanist (cut me some slack here; I was 15 and going through my ultra-rebellious phase). Since then, I’ve gone from Satanist-who-didn’t-really-believe-but-thought-that-dressing-in-black-acting-bitchy-and-burning-candles-was-cool to Wiccan-who-was-still-pretentious-and-still-thought-burning-candles-was-cool to happy-little-agnostic-with-some-still-unreconciled-pyromaniac-tendencies.
We’ve been friends for 3 years, and dating on and off for 2 of those years. We’re on right now. Admittedly, we have some more serious issues–such as age and distance–that overshadow the religion thing.
My parents - a complete athiest (officially CofE), and a Catholic (believing, but non-church-attending) have been together for 29 years, and I’ve been around for the last 25.
Being a Christian (thought admittedly a quite liberal one) and having a romantic relationship with someone of another faith has never been a problem for me. In fact, sometimes it’s almost downright sexy or attractive if someone has a different faith system…more to learn.
I think it can work, and it sounds like it’s worth trying. And I’ll say this: no matter who you date, regardless of how much you have in common…there’s always the chance that your heart will be broken. I just don’t think that fear of pain is always a good reason to give up on love. Nothing ventured is nothing gained.
You might check out how she deals with relatives – does she try to convert neices and nephews? It won’t work if she secretly harbours the hope of converting you – but if she does, likely she’ll have already been dropping some hints.
And, you might learn the phrase “Your mother says:”, or “Why don’t you ask your mother” or something a bit more polite. Essentially trying to not invalidate your wifes opinions, but allowing a sufficiently wise child to ask what you believe.
Oh, and if you are bitter about religion based on your past experiences, take a long hard look at how much that spills over onto her. If it does at all, that’s something you need counciling for immediately. As yourself how much it would be abandoning your principles to go to Church on Christmas or Easter. If you say anything but “I wouldn’t mind, I like to see what my wife likes”, you might have some warning signs. <pause added for melodrama>
And, yes, if it works, it will be the best of both worlds for your children.
Me’Corva ( a Atheist-Christian success story (who probably couldn’t marry a christian. =:< ) )
I’ve never understood how someone could be truly committed to their faith and choose to spend their life with someone who did not agree with it.
This is an issue that must be resolved before any lifelong committment is even discussed, not until after the kids arrive. I know that people grow and change after marriage but I think that you need to start out knowing exactly what the other person expects and desires at that time, before a lifelong committment is made.
Speaking as “a really Christiany Christian” – in the sense of devout and believing, not fundamentalist – I’d say it could be done but it might be tricky.
As others have said, a lot will depend on how evangelistic she is and how tolerant she is. Personally, I could probably marry a non-Christian (althought I’d prefer another Christian, and ideally another Catholic). But I would be expecting the kids to attend church and CCD (Sunday School for Catholics), and to otherwise be raised Catholic. I’m too involved with my faith for that not to be the case. And while I’d agree that it’s a Good Thing to be able to question one’s faith, a lot of people might have trouble with that. Can you have intellectual discussions with her about what she believes? Can she answer your questions to your satisfaction?
I would guess that you probably can make it, with a lot of understanding and tolerance. But it will be hard on both of you. And family and friends are another issue… berdollos, I’m offended by your post. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my commitment to Christianity, and wouldn’t be even if I wanted to marry a non-believer. mornea’s rephrasing is more acceptable, but I still disagree with the idea.
I haven’t had too many problems with relationships “outside the faith” as it were, but my denomination of Christianity is big on personal growth toward truth. Its really easy to get into a “you go your way, I’ll go my way” attitude from the stance that everyone is beloved by God and working in their own way.
If she’s a “all but my way burn in hell” Christian, it could be more difficult.
