So much here depends on the faith. For “believe as I believe or spend eternity in hell” Christians this seems more reasonable than for us Unitarians. For UUs, relationships in which not seeing the world exactly through the same lens is probably the norm, since the faith emphasises your personal relationship with Spirit and not a creedal definition of faith. Hence, there are lots of Christian/Atheist families in my congregation (as well as Christian/Jewish, or Wiccan, Buddists or other in many possible combinations).
In fact, lots of families discover UU when the kids come and their “faiths of origin” aren’t a compatible way to raise kids but they want their kids to be raised “something.”
I don’t think there’s all that much of a debate in here. It’s all a big “it depends.”
Belief structures are one thing; the way that people act out of them is another entirely. Just as many atheists carry a large chip on their shoulders, so do many religious folks. If either party in a relationship has one, or grows one, things are probably doomed. If both avoid growing one, it’s no more a relationship-killer than, say, one liking “the Simpsons” and the other not.
“If you can’t love Jesus with me, I can’t love you!” constitutes a religious shoulder-chip. “How can you be such a sheep?!” is its complementary atheism shoulder-chip. Are things like that ever said between you? Do you have to bite back saying it from thinking it?
If not, and the answer’s no from the other side as well, there’s no real reason why it won’t work out. Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons, religious disconnects aren’t tremendously more special than any other deal-breakers, and deal-breakers vary for each couple.
I found that I couldn’t do it. My reason was that well, here I was with this huge dimension to my life that really does affect everything, and we couldn’t share that. I can see having separate interests and hobbies and jobs, but I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t understand one of the most important aspects of my life (and who incidentally didn’t want to, and thought it was stupid, and that I was gullible–whole different rant, there). We couldn’t even talk about it. And truthfully, it wasn’t one of the most important things; it was the important thing, the underpinnings of my universe.
I know plenty of people who have done it and who love their spouses dearly; but some or even many of them also seem to be kind of wistful, always secretly hoping that someday things will change, even if they never say so out loud.
Anecdote: Mrs. Bricker and I attended a baptism class for parents last night - the Catholic Church asks that you understand the sacrament before you procure it for your child, and that your child’s godparents are practical Catholics in union with the Holy See. (Irregular situations concerning marriage, for example, may mean that a chosen godparent should be a witness instead of a godparent). Equally, if the parents are both baptized Catholics, they both participate fully in the service; if one is not, then obviously the one that isn’t can’t “renew his baptismal vows,” for instance.
One of the other attendees was a lady who said her husband was agnostic, and she was the Catholic. We talked to her for a bit afterwards; she said that her husband, while not buying in to any of the faith, was perfectly happy with getting the kids (this was their second!) baptized and religiously instructed.
My take: as many others above have suggested, there’s a huge difference between a couple where one, or both, are “don’t-really-mind-even-if-I-don’t-agree” and a couple where both are religious, are religious in different directions, and are unyielding in their views.
Another factor is how liberal is her Christian beliefs. Since you said she’s teaching Vacation Bible school she’s probably not an ultra liberal Christian who see the bible is a moral guideline.
It seems that the more liberal her beliefs are, the easier it is for you two to overlook the religious differences.
Well, if she is really christiany christian then she is supposed to want to hang out with publicans and sinners anyhow, and I think you qualify. If it’s not an issue now, it might not be until you have kids, but if you allow her to share her side with them it shouldn’t be a problem as you seem to not really have a side. Unless you are one of those proselytizing atheists that are worse than proselytizing christians.
My wife is jewish and I am more or less a seeker, would be the best term. We don’t have too much of a problem with the relgion thing, though I was raised by a father who claimed to be Zen Baptist. Anyhow, I think you should do fine if you both really love each other.
Hmmm, another vote for “it depends…” Specifically, I think it depends on how moderate and/or radical the parties in question are. I am an atheist and my husband is a Lutheran. Fortunately, I am a very soft atheist and my husband a rather weak Lutheran, so it’s works out quite well for us. By “soft atheist” I mean that I was raised generically Christian, still consider myself “culturally Christian” and don’t mind participating in a minor way in Christian stuff such as Christmas and Easter, the occasional church visit, etc. My atheism, in other words, is primarily intellectual. My husband, on the other hand, is a largely spiritual Christian – he doesn’t think about it too much, therefore he doesn’t get bogged down in theological questions about my eventual fate. When I ask him if he worried that I’ll be going to Hell, for instance, he replies, “No. I’m for sure going to Heaven, and it wouldn’t be Heaven for me if you weren’t there.” As for our kids, we are both moderate there, as well. Kevin wanted them to be baptised, for instance, and I didn’t care much one way or t’other, so they were baptised. Later on, he wanted them to go through Lutheran confirmation classes. This was a little stickier for me. Finally our compromise was that he would join a church and enroll the kids – I would go to church with them occasionally, but not join nor take communion. Furthermore, if after taking the classes, the kids felt that they didn’t wish to be confirmed, we wouldn’t force them. And, if at any time in the future, the kids felt that their religious views were changing, we wouldn’t force them to continue to attend church. These compromises worked well for us – but if either of us had been less moderate in our general views, it would have been major-fight time. For instance, if I had been a hard atheist, who wnated to raise the kids with no religous background at all, I believe that would have been a problem for Kevin. And I know that if he were a hard line Bible-thumper who wanted to raise our kids in a literalist fashion, that would have been a major problem for me.
I recommend that you discuss these issues openly with your girlfriend. Specifically address child-rearing, which is, IMO, the area where the biggest potential problems lurk. Further discuss areas where you each can (and cannot) compromise. After a few such frank and open conversations, you should be able to see whether or not the religious differences will be major issues for you.
I think that dating outside of your belief system is a damn fine way to invite criticism and arguments in a life where criticism and arguments aren’t lacking to begin with. Thus, I wouldn’t recommend it; but, once the deed is done you know how it is going to work out more or less, so if you like the way things are then don’t sever it over something like religion either. After all, the arguments and criticism are external and can, to some extend, be ignored; regrets from breaking off a good thing are internal and a bit more difficult to metabolize
Summary: don’t actively seek out people of other faiths (or lack of faiths heh) but if it happens, it happens, and if it seems workable then given sufficient effort you will succeed will others have as well.
Actually I am in a similar (though perhaps more positive) situation. My fiance is a pretty devout Catholic and I am just your average non-church going deist. What helps is that we are respectful of each others belief systems and love each other to death. Fortunately, she is okay with me being non-Catholic and we are able to have discussion on religious differences (they occaisionally become skirmishes, but not often). In a way, though, our combination is fortunate. Her views (and those of her congregation) are pretty liberal regarding mixed-faith marriages. So they are not in the “burn in hell if you don’t believe in Catholicism.” But on the other hand, to get married in a Catholic Church we do have to agree to raise the kids Catholic. I have no problem with this, though I guess if you had two people who both wanted the kids to be raised in their own faith (and I suppose you could consider atheism a “faith” of sorts). Our unofficial deal was: kids raised Catholic, and I go to church with her sometimes to please her. My reward: No guilt about sexual behavior.
Anyhow, I think you should do fine if you both really love each other.