Christian Girlfriend...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am an Atheist, and my girlfreind is what you might call a “liberal Christian.” She Believes in 6 day creation, hasn’t decided on evolution, thinks sex before marraige is OK, Pro-Choice (on abortion), doesn’t try to convince me to go to church, attends church regularly, has extreme fundy parents/family, wants to get married in a church (though I don’t plan on doing that for a while yet), taught/attended bible school year before last (but I was able to talk her out of it this year), and has atttended church all her life. When I told her that I was atheist, she said that that was OK, and that she still loves me We have been together about 2 years, and I told her this about 3 months ago.

Sometimes I bring up religion, and she will listen to what I have to say, and she doesn’t normally say anything about what I just told her. It’s not so much “conversations” anymore so much as me talking about why I believe what I do, and her listening.

as for having a good relationship with the family, I think that I am past that point. Her dad is an alcoholic, hunter-gatherer, passive christian, her Mom is a two-faced hypocritical godmonger, and her sister is a psychotic, overdramatic, holier then thou Christian. They all think that I am not good enough for her. And this has been going on ever since we started seeing each other, and it hasn’t really gotten in the way yet.

She hates her family, and has plans to move away (to California… thousands of miles away) as soon as they get done paying for her college.

She is 19, I am 18.
Do you think that, if we do get married, that we would have a happy life?

2

Well, most importantly, do you love her? Because, if the answer is not, “Yes, more than anything in the world,” then no, you won’t be happy.

Additionally, the whole “name-calling” of her family–not going to work. She may hate them as much as you but you constantly downing them and criticizing them is going to get really old, really quickly.

Also, happiness, in many cases, is what you make it. If you love this woman with all your being and are determined to make it work no matter what her family thinks, you’re going to have a much better shot at happiness than you will if you fixate on the differences between the two of you.

3

Originally posted by Chekmate : **“We have been together about 2 years, and I told her this about 3 months ago.”
**

So you were “together” for about 21 months before a discussion of religious beliefs came up? If that’s the case, it shouldn’t be important enough to matter to either of you.

Originally posted by** Chekmate** **: (she) "taught/attended bible school year before last (but I was able to talk her out of it this year), " **

IMHO, if your relationship is to work, you will both have to be tolerant enough of each others desires to let them do their thing and not “talk them out of” doing things they choose to do.

4

Her father’s a hunter-gatherer? He goes out every workday to hunt with a spear and gather edible plants? Or does this term have a new meaning I’m not up to date on?

5

EvilBeth: I don’t name-call her family in front of her. These are just my little pet name for their attributes. And yes, the answer is “Yes, more than anything in the world.”

John Carter: No, I just waited this long to tell her the truth. She always just assumed that I am was Christian, mainly because I would go to church when she asked, on special occasions, just because I knew it was important to her.

Hazel: I didn’t mean it leterally. It’s just that he’s a real manly man. He goes hunting whenever he can. He has a big gun collection(which kinda scares me!). He works in construction. And he big. Like 6’4, 300 LBS (just a guess).

6

The main issue is going to be children. Will you be willing to have your children attend church and bible school without badmouthing either? If not, I foresee problems.

Take it slow. It sounds like she is going through a transition in her beliefs. I suspect that she will move further away from religion, but then move back towards it. Her beliefs seem pretty mixed. Six days of creation is pretty fundamentalist, as is attending bible school at age 19. The fact that she is unsure about evolution while maintaining 6 day creation suggests that she hasn’t finished thinking seriously about her beliefs.

Similarly, her family sounds unpleasant but not abusive. Many families unpleasant when the children are in their teens. Unless there is really terrible stuff going on that you haven’t mentioned, expect her to move closer to them in a few years - especially if you have children. When that happens, the religions issue will come up again.

Bottom line: The fact that you are asking this question suggests that you are considering the possibility of ending the relationship. This, in combination with your comments about “talking her out of” bible school and her listening while you talk, suggest that you are not fully committed to coming to a compromise regarding religion. If this is the case - end it.

7

Me know. Me make mistake.

8

And you just let her assume that, for nearly two years???

Before any marriage with you in it has a prayer of working, you have to be willing to be honest, going in, about major differences you’ve got.

And that isn’t just a matter of “telling the truth when asked”; that’s “sharing anything about you that you have reason to believe might be important.”

You knew she was a serious enough Christian that she was attending Bible college, and apparently teaching, too. That should be a pretty strightforward tipoff that her religious beliefs might be important to her, and she ought to know if yours differ more than trivially. And you didn’t bother telling her that you’re an atheist, for nearly two years.

Shame on her for not asking, but shame on you for not bringing it up yourself.

::walks away, shaking head::

9

Pardon me for second-guessing your estimation of your GF’s Christianity, but I am still trying to figure out under what circumstances someone who believes in “6 day creation” can be called a “liberal Christian.” Even relatively moderate Christians these days, even in the rural parts of the US, are pretty doubtful of Creationism. Somehow I think you seriously underestimate the conservatism of her theology.

Tell me this one, too. You say that “last year” you were able to “talk [your GF] out of” teaching Bible school, but you haven’t told her about your atheism 'till “about 3 months ago.” Um, didn’t that come up at all when you two were talking about whether or not she should teach the Bible school?

From what you say in your OP, your number-one, overreaching problem is communication, not religion. Having different religious beliefs is hardly a bar to a successful marriage–I’ve known very happy Christian/Jewish, Christian/Muslim, Hindu/Muslim couples. I do not, however, know of any successful marriages where communication was a big problem. Better work on it!

10

John Carter of Mars has already brought this up:

John Carter has it right on. I would be interested in hearing what you have to say about this. Most people will resent having someone trying to “talk them out of” doing things that are important to them. This reminds me a little bit of my sister’s (then) boyfriend (now husband) “talking her out of” pursuing her Classical Guitar studies, even though she was led to believe that she had considerable talent, and could have had a professional career in it. It was her life, she ultimately made the choice, and I guess she is OK with it. But is it wrong for one person to actively try to “talk someone out” of doing something that is important to them? Definitely, yes! They often end up deeply resenting the person who tried to “talk them out of” it.

If you “talked her out of” attending Bible School, what may you “talk her out of” doing next? And how do you know she won’t resent/hate you for it later? And, most importantly, how dare you talk her out of it in the first place? Why was it any of your business whether she went to this school, or not? It’s her faith, not yours.

11

A liberal Christian (at least an educated one) does not believe that the Earth was created in six days. That is a fundamentalist belief.

12

***Some more info about me. Here’s kinda of a timeline of my beliefs.
[ul]
[li]I went into the relationship as an athiest, and I didn’t feel the need to tell her because we weren’t that serious about it then, and I didn’t want to drive her away with something that seemed trivial (to me) that early in the relationship, before she got to know me.[/li][li]about 3-4 months later, some really shitty stuff happened in my life. My mom got Breast cancer, one of my good friends died in a car accident, and both my grandma and great grandma died, all of this in like a 1 month period. So I tried desperatly to become religious again, but to no avail because my mind kept coming back to all the things that made me non-religious in the first place. This phase lasted about 9 months.[/li][li]after those 9 months, I realized that I couldn’t possibly believe, but again, I put of telling her, because I thought that it would break her heart to know something like that about me. I had put a lot of time and effort into the relationshiip, and I really did (and still do) love her with all my heart, and In that time, I had learned how important it was to her, and I didin’t want her to run away screaming when I told her… So I didn’t.[/li][li] about 8 months later, I finally got up the courage to tell her what I think, and since then she and I have had a few interesting conversations about it. [/li][/ul]

Now we are at 23 months, and I wasn’t doubting our current relationship, I was just wondering what kind of experiences others have had in similar situations, years down the road, and if they think that we’ll be happy.

ignatzmouse: I don’t think she’s really thought about why she believes what she does, but I think that you are right about her going through a transition, and that she is starting to think more about it. To be truthful, she hasn’t gone to church in about a month, and she says it doesn’t really bother her. We’ve talked about it, and have decided that when we do have kids (someday far far away… hopefully) we will give them the option to go to church, but we won’t force them to do anything that they don’t want to.

RTFirefly: See the clarification above for my reasons (lame though they may be) for not telling her. Also, to clarify, she isn’t going to and teaching Bible College, but Bible School. it’s like one of those week long things at the church in the summer, and that was nearly 2 years ago.

Duke: She believes in the 6 day creation as in “it took him 6 days to make the earth,” but that’s as far as it goes with her. Shes not in with the “the earth is only 6000 years old” crowd.
When I “talked her out of it,” it wasn’t “I don’t think you should because it’s wrong.” She was being pressured into doing it again by her parents, but didn’t really have the time to spare. I just kinda nudged her in the oppisite direction, away from teaching. And we were talking the other day about it, and she said that she would never have started going out with me in the first place if she had known that I was an atheist, but now she thinks that it would have been wrong to not have given me the chance, based on this one thing.

Well, I have tried to address as many points as possible, but if I left something out, or if there is something else you think you need to know, let me know, and I will try to clarify. Thanks

13

Having had two rebellious daughters, my observation is that they would have said worse things about my wife and myself at her age and yet three years later that had completely changed. Same actually with all three of my sons although they didn’t really rebel they just thought I was full of shit. Like my dad told me many years ago, it is amazing how much parents improve during those years. The advise given above about not criticising her family is very good and getting away from someone is a lousy reason to move to California.

14

Two points:

  1. This depends on the intent of said person. If this person did this because she thought it would be better for this other person not to do what she was going to do, I don’t see what’s wrong with it. On the other hand, if there’s some kind of ulterior motive involved, yes it can be very bad.

  2. If doing “X” is very important to person A, how easy is it for somebody to talk this person out of it? Not easy, I reckon. Take your sister for example. If she really wanted to have a career in Classical Guitar, would her then boyfriend be able to talk her out of it? Doubtful, I reckon. But since I don’t know your sister, I’m just guessing wildly.

15

My wife is Christian, I am Atheist.

We have talks about it from time to time but we respect each others views. It works fine.

The ONLY time we have serious talks is around Christmas time. Being Christain, she wants a tree and presents and a special dinner. Me being Atheist,. I want none of it.

She always wins but ONE DAY we will have a December without any Christmas anything.

16

Excellent! Is she available? My history of ex-girlfriends shows that this is what I seek in women. :smiley:

17

Actually, she is moving to Tennesse with her fiance after they get married in June, so that they can go to Seminary School together. Sorry, you’re outta luck.:wink:

18

I just want to say that I’m surprised that your only issue is with her celebrating the biggest Christian event of the year, especially as the tree and presents and dinner have nothing to do with the religion. I’m second generation Atheist and I love Christmas with all it’s trimmings. My mother is not just Atheist, she’s intensely anti-religion and she celebrates Christmas with the tree, decorations, etc. I guess I just wonder why you find Christmas celebrations annoying when nothing else bothers you? Also, do you have or plan to have children? How do you intend to raise them with regards to your wife’s religion?

I know this is somewhat of a hijack, but I see some relevance to the situation of the OP, and hope this will provide some insight for us all. The question asked was “Can a marriage work between an Atheist and a Christian?”, and Seven is a living example of that situation.

19

Both of you are too young to get married or even to think of it. Go out and explore or a decade or so. That way, you’ll have no regrets later.

20

My girlfriend is Christian, and a rather conservative one too.

Myself, I am best described as an agnostic. I was brought up mildly Catholic, but was never quite impressed with the dogmatic approach of the church - be it Catholic or Protestant. I’m inclined to believe in all the scientific stuff: evolution, the Big Bang, you name it. The thing is: science doesn’t explain everything. What happened before the Big Bang? So, and this is almost scientific in itself, I have to allow for the possibility of a higher power that created it all. Simply because I don’t have a definitive answer to counter the religious explanation.

Do I believe Jesus Christ existed? Absolutely.
Do I think he is the son of God who died for all our sins? Well, he could be. I just don’t know. Hence, agnostic.

It’s not that my girlfriend and me don’t talk about this: we talk about it a lot. And yeah, there are some aspects in which we just have to agree to disagree: I for one don’t believe the earth was created in 6 days, as you may have guessed.
But mostly, I think we learn a lot from each other. And I have learned that on most major aspects, our values are actually quite similar.

It’s all about communication. I can’t imagine the two of us being somehow able to steer clear of this topic for a period as long as 1.5 years. It’s just too important!

And yeah, the “talking her out of teaching bible school” set off all my alarm bells, too. Obviously, this is something that’s important to her. You shouldn’t enter a relationship only to then try and change the person into your perfect spouse. You fall in love with someone because of who they are, and you respect their beliefs, decisions, and behaviour - even if they don’t happen to coincide with yours. Love is not about adapting your personality to fit the other person’s ideal. It’s about respecting the differences that make a relationship interesting and, at times, challenging.

Good luck!