This rant is not about some silly enhanced corn or soy beans that create drugs… no, I’m pissed about the “genetic engineering” being applied to our ordinary wholesome American junk food.
It’s not enough that we have extreme television, the MTV generation, and super sized everything. Now they are applying shock and awe to MY JUNKFOOD! I was at the grocery store the other day and encountered these fine examples:
Toy or Food (part 1)
Ok, ketchup (however you choose to spell it) is one of those foods that is already a borderline toy. It’s red, the bottle makes a neat noise when you squeeze it, the red mixes nicely with yellow mustard and it gets everywhere. So when I first saw green ketchup at a Burger King, I figured… ok, it’s a Shrek™ promotion, no big deal. But now I can find no less than FOUR colors of ketchup on the shelf. Red, Green, Purple and Blue. And even mixed ketchup/mustard… kind of like those attempts to pre-mix the peanut butter and jelly. I’m sorry, but ketchup the color of Purple tempura paint is not food. It’s a toy to encourage kids to make a mess of their food and not eat it.
Shock and Awe - Flavors #1
Goldfish are a happy little snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off. No problem. They’re happy, I’m happy, yummy goldfish. Until now. They’re “Flavor Blasted”. Why do my yummy happy little goldfish need to be cheddar flavored (and orange), parmesan flavored (and dyed blue-green), or pizza flavored (and purple)?
Shock and Awe - Flavors #2
Back to ketchup for a second. Heinz now sells flavor enhanced ketchup. Isn’t Smokey Mesquite ketchup just bad BBQ sauce? How about zesty garlic ketchup? Ick.
Shock and Awe - Colors #1
Ok, so we’re done with colored ketchup and colored goldfish, but how about new enhanced Cheetos that are so brightly orange that your insides glow after you eat them? Come on, the original cheetos already had the perfect amount of stick to your hands, dye your tongue orangeness.
Product Diversification
How many colors of oreos do we really need? I’ll be the first to admit that doublestuffs are cool, but I’m just not happy with my special Halloween, Christmas and Winter brand Oreos. Not to mention the various lowfat/nonfat options of same. And the mint ones… at least they taste good. But I just want my ordinary oreos, not a choice between whatever sesonal flavor or color is “happening” right now. It was one thing for M&M’s to unleash pastel colors on us, but Oreos? That crosses the BBQ Pit line for me.
Toy or Food Part 2
Ok, I’ll admit that three dimensional chips are nothing new. Bugles have been out for a long time. But marketing “extreme doritios” as something special boggles my mind. The only reason to make a 3d chip is so that you can play with them. I mean, you can only eat food like that after you’ve done all the usual things about making funny faces, adding claws and so on. Wasn’t it enough when the only mandatory “play chips” where pringles? I mean, who can eat a tube of pringles without making a duck face?
Really artificial stuff
This may be worth a rant of it’s own, and I’m sure it’s been covered somewhere in these boards before, but PLEASE STOP PUTTING INDEGISTABLE STUFF IN MY FOOD! If we were meant to eat Olestra, wouldn’t we be able to actually digest it? How about ester of wood rosin? Or artificial sweeteners? Yeah, it’s a great idea to create a chemical concotion that messes with your normal digestion, but can’t be broken down by your body (wonder why they have that warning on Olestra enhanced products? Now you know). Or when it’s broken down by your body into components that cause other problems… my wife is allergic to nutrasweet. It’s very similar to a neurotransmitter. Even a taste for her is like a bad LSD trip.
So, the trip made me want to grab the store manager, shake him and yell “You Fuckwaffle! Leave My Junk Food Alone! Bring back my healthy fat and sugar. Stop color and flavor enhancing my food. Give me back my traditional oreos! New Coke Sucks!”
