Bioengineered Food

This rant is not about some silly enhanced corn or soy beans that create drugs… no, I’m pissed about the “genetic engineering” being applied to our ordinary wholesome American junk food.

It’s not enough that we have extreme television, the MTV generation, and super sized everything. Now they are applying shock and awe to MY JUNKFOOD! I was at the grocery store the other day and encountered these fine examples:

Toy or Food (part 1)
Ok, ketchup (however you choose to spell it) is one of those foods that is already a borderline toy. It’s red, the bottle makes a neat noise when you squeeze it, the red mixes nicely with yellow mustard and it gets everywhere. So when I first saw green ketchup at a Burger King, I figured… ok, it’s a Shrek™ promotion, no big deal. But now I can find no less than FOUR colors of ketchup on the shelf. Red, Green, Purple and Blue. And even mixed ketchup/mustard… kind of like those attempts to pre-mix the peanut butter and jelly. I’m sorry, but ketchup the color of Purple tempura paint is not food. It’s a toy to encourage kids to make a mess of their food and not eat it.

Shock and Awe - Flavors #1
Goldfish are a happy little snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off. No problem. They’re happy, I’m happy, yummy goldfish. Until now. They’re “Flavor Blasted”. Why do my yummy happy little goldfish need to be cheddar flavored (and orange), parmesan flavored (and dyed blue-green), or pizza flavored (and purple)?

Shock and Awe - Flavors #2
Back to ketchup for a second. Heinz now sells flavor enhanced ketchup. Isn’t Smokey Mesquite ketchup just bad BBQ sauce? How about zesty garlic ketchup? Ick.

Shock and Awe - Colors #1
Ok, so we’re done with colored ketchup and colored goldfish, but how about new enhanced Cheetos that are so brightly orange that your insides glow after you eat them? Come on, the original cheetos already had the perfect amount of stick to your hands, dye your tongue orangeness.

Product Diversification
How many colors of oreos do we really need? I’ll be the first to admit that doublestuffs are cool, but I’m just not happy with my special Halloween, Christmas and Winter brand Oreos. Not to mention the various lowfat/nonfat options of same. And the mint ones… at least they taste good. But I just want my ordinary oreos, not a choice between whatever sesonal flavor or color is “happening” right now. It was one thing for M&M’s to unleash pastel colors on us, but Oreos? That crosses the BBQ Pit line for me.

Toy or Food Part 2
Ok, I’ll admit that three dimensional chips are nothing new. Bugles have been out for a long time. But marketing “extreme doritios” as something special boggles my mind. The only reason to make a 3d chip is so that you can play with them. I mean, you can only eat food like that after you’ve done all the usual things about making funny faces, adding claws and so on. Wasn’t it enough when the only mandatory “play chips” where pringles? I mean, who can eat a tube of pringles without making a duck face?

Really artificial stuff
This may be worth a rant of it’s own, and I’m sure it’s been covered somewhere in these boards before, but PLEASE STOP PUTTING INDEGISTABLE STUFF IN MY FOOD! If we were meant to eat Olestra, wouldn’t we be able to actually digest it? How about ester of wood rosin? Or artificial sweeteners? Yeah, it’s a great idea to create a chemical concotion that messes with your normal digestion, but can’t be broken down by your body (wonder why they have that warning on Olestra enhanced products? Now you know). Or when it’s broken down by your body into components that cause other problems… my wife is allergic to nutrasweet. It’s very similar to a neurotransmitter. Even a taste for her is like a bad LSD trip.

So, the trip made me want to grab the store manager, shake him and yell “You Fuckwaffle! Leave My Junk Food Alone! Bring back my healthy fat and sugar. Stop color and flavor enhancing my food. Give me back my traditional oreos! New Coke Sucks!”

More product means more shelf space, which means less shelf space for your competitors.
I share your angst. What really frosts my shorts is whenever my wife asks me to buy her tampons, which is just about every time I go to the supermarket.

"Remember: OB™ tampons without the applicator. Normal absorbancy, in the green box. " Sounds simple enough, except that ** There’s…No…Such…Thing!!!** .

There’s normal absorbancy in a red box, but it has the applicator. There’s super-absorbant in a green box, but it’s nacho-flavored. There’s a green box, normal absorbancy, without applicator, but it’s the supermarket knock off, and from what I’ve heard, if I don’t get * exactly* the right fucking tampon, my wife’s cootchie could …I don’t know…implode.
Aha!!! Here’s a box of…no, wait…it’s just applicators. No tampons…What’s with that? Here’s a box of croutons…maybe that’ll work. Naw…
I swear, she does this on purpose. It’s like her version of sending me out to look for a “left-handed monkey wrench.”

By now, I’ve been in the tampon aisle for like, 25 minutes and am starting to draw attention to myself…

Never again. I’m just gonna buy her a styptic pencil next time

I love buying tampons!

I just parade around the supermarket with a box of whatever tampons I happen across quickly… “Look!! I HAVE a girlfriend!”:smiley:

It makes me so proud.

And if I buy the wrong kind, I get to do it all over again! Woo Hoo!

Ok, that’s not the direction I thought this rant was headed, but if that’s what irks you, that’s what irks you…

bizzwire, the next time that she actually buys her own, tear the end off the box (preferably the end that has the UPC so there can be no mistake) and put it in a safe place for the next time she sends you out. Then just replace what she has.

Thank you! ::catching breath:: If not for some astounding, and previously unplumbed depths of self-control, that was almost toothpaste all over the keyboard. Have you ever tried to unstick keys glued with Colgate?


One day when my wife was away I had to go to the Doctor. He said “what’s wrong?”

I said “My penis has turned orange.”

He looks at it, sees it is indeed orange and becomes deeply concerned.

“This could be jaundice or something serious. We need to track this down. What have you done or eaten recently?” he asks.

I say “Well last night my wife was away. I didn’t do anything much. Just rented a movie and ate a bag of cheetos.”
Damn those things.

That purple ketchup is nasty. I tried eating it and it still tasted funny even in the dark when I couldn’t see it.

Mint Oreos?!!?!?! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED!

Don’t knock the White Chocolate-Dipped Oreos. They’re great.

You can keep the pruple ketchup, though. There has never before been a purple paste food product. No reason to start now.

Maybe you just have a friend with a really bad nosebleed.

We thought it best to keep you in the dark. We thought that the market might not be able to support the demand if all segments of the populous were told at the same time. We apologize for the mistake. :slight_smile:

They’re yummy. Part of the whole, “put two flavors in an Oreo” campaign.

Ya know, I’m still waiting for you to mention genetically engineered food in this here rant. So far you’ve talked about food colouring and marketing.


Barbarian, You mean that making my gold fish turn purple and adding all kinds of crazy flavors that don’t belong there isn’t genetic engineering?

I mean, it’s not like you can mate two ordinary goldfish and get a purple one. The color and flavor must have been introduced by a retroviral vector. The color may have come from sweettarts and the flavor… well, who knows what genetic pit that came from.

And what kind of evolutionary pressure was put on good old fashioned oreos to create massive diversification? IT’s not like environment change or slow random mutation will lead to half and half oreos filled with mixed coffee and cream filling. That takes serious intervention from man.

And we all know what happens when genetically engineered peeps get out of the lab. Entire ecosystems have been destroyed…[ul]
[li][/li][li][/li][li][/li][li]etc… [/li][/ul]

i buy lots of tampons too to make people think that, but since i am a dateless loser, i just throw them in the backyard, so i have a pile of thousands of tampons 40 feet high. Or at least i did until i rained last week and the tampons soaked it all up and tripled in size, then the whole pile oozed downhill and enveloped my neighbor’s house, wiping out the whole family. So now i’m arrested for involuntary manslaughter by tampon. I did sneak some tampons into jail which i plan to pass off to the dumber inmates as new cigarettes with safety string. I’m also going to make a rope out of tampons and escape, so don’t tell the guards!

tomndebb, I’ve read your posts for quite some time now and marvelled at the depth of your knowledge on a wide range of matters. But, it is the above post that moves me to ask: How did you become so wise?

I used to work at a late night convenience store and regularly saw rather embarassed guys buying tampons. If you are in this position, the proper thing to say is “Cleaning my gun tonight”. Guaranteed to restore your manliness.

That zesty garlic ketchup is right tasty. I wonder if the OP actually tasted it before rendering verdict…

Do those work well for getting the barrel clean?

“What’s wrong with this commercial? Why is that Goldfish purple?”

I personally think that the yellow oreos are the most disturbing. They are neon yellow. EWWW.

As for tampons, I am a chick, and I stand in the aisle confused. It seems to me that once a month the industry changes all of the packages colors and names just to make it a challenge.