It’s funny how many people don’t seem to think it’s obvious. I saw Dan Savage (of the “Savage Love” sex advice column) speak once, and he said he used to think most people who said they were bisexual were liars because so many of them wound up in long-term opposite-sex relationships. He said he’d since decided that they’re being honest, it’s just that most bisexual people fall more towards the heterosexual end of the Kinsey scale.
I thought this was still unfair. Even setting aside the much greater social acceptance of opposite-sex relationships, a person who is equally attracted to men and women is usually going to meet a LOT more heterosexual people of the opposite sex than homo/bisexual people of the same sex. It’s certainly possible that this center-of-the-Kinsey-scale bisexual person will wind up with a same-sex Mr. or Ms. Right, but all other things being equal the odds favor an opposite-sex relationship just because such a large percentage of their potential dating pool is heterosexual.
It’s obvious to me. Being in a homosexual relationship is less societally acceptable. Heterosexual relationship? Simple, nothing to explain, lead an ordinary existence. Homosexual relationship? Come out to parents and peers and face social consequences. Be unable to get married (and therefore unable to have joint custody over a kid) in most states and countries. Unable to walk down the street holding hands without fear of harassment. Unable to attend social gatherings as a couple without fear of how strangers will react and, if this is a work-related gathering, whether this could jeopardize employment.
Yeah, it’s obvious that one of these is the easier choice.
But what I’m really trying to say is Lamia, you’re right. This is one place where Dan Savage - who I normally very much admire - is full of shit. He’s being small minded. Because he’s monosexual (it’s a word now, 'cause I say so) himself, he can’t understand how a different sort of orientation could exist. I still see him repeating the same bullshit that I frequently hear about how male bisexuality is so rare as to be almost nonexistent. WELL OF COURSE. OBVIOUSLY. Female bisexuality is considered sexy in our society, male bisexuality disgusting. Thanks Dan for helping shove some of your readers further into the closet.
My one very serious relationship was a homosexual relationship. It scared the ever loving crap out of me, especially when she told me her family was homophobic and she feared fallout in just the possibility of introducing me to them. But I loved her, and I was willing to do something difficult for love. Maybe not everyone is. Maybe for some people the stakes are a lot higher.
I have a friend who is a true bisexual. For years and years she was a lesbian. Did everything, took the whole identity, came out to her parents, had a long term girlfriend, everything. Then she met a man and fell in love with him and married him. She couldn’t be happier. She wasn’t in denial before, it’s just what she wanted.
Well at least the preliminary findings support my argument. I was saying in today’s society if you truly found both men and women sexually attractive you would end up with the opposite sex for conformity. The conversation arose as I am recently back in the dating world and I seem to attract a disproportionate number of women that identify as ‘bisexual’. I’m not confirming anything from ‘Gay HQ’ but IMHO I really find most are just looking for sex and not anything meaningful, I was just wondering how many bisexuals are actually against my stereotype.
I have no real reason for being here, but the poll question seemed a bit strange - “What is your current relationship status?”
Can a relationship status be bisexual? Or did you mean “Are you currently bisexual?”, which would raise even more questions.
I’m as straight as straight can be, but (and I’m telling you all now just for your entertainment and chance to mock me) I had a dream a few nights ago where I was sucking Kevin Smith’s dick. It was horrible, more of a nightmare than a dream, but for some reason I felt that I had to finish the job properly just to do the right thing by him. I couldn’t though, it was too repulsive, even though I like the guy (but not a fan-boy by any means - I just think he’s cool).
So sorry Kev. Even though I sucked your dick in a dream, I think the overall experience shows that I just can’t be sexually attracted to guys.
I must admit I didn’t realise there would be so much confusion about the poll question. I sort of assumed if you entered a thread called ‘Bisexual?’ you’d assume the relationship question related only if you identified as such. In hindsight I should have been clearer with the poll question.
Why does it need to be “for conformity”? Do you think that bisexual people in opposite-sex relationships don’t actually care for their partners?
While social expectations can certainly be a factor, and are indeed very important for some people, even if we treat romance as nothing but a numbers game then more bisexual people are going to wind up with opposite-sex partners because there are far more potential opposite-sex partners for them out there.
I forgot to mention my own story. Incref, I prefer women and identify as mostly straight. I’ve only been in real relationships with women, but I will play around with guys. Sometimes it’ll be an awesome threesome with a guy and his girl.
I do have this one guy I have sex with on a regular basis, but we’re just friends who happen to be really friendly from time to time. If I swung more that way I’d totally go for it, as he’s a nice guy and he’d really like that, but it’s just not how I’m wired. I kissed a guy exactly once, but it felt like kissing my brother; weird and gross. There is also a real double standard with bisexualness. With women it’s hot, but with men it means they’re really gay, and gay is bad. :rolleyes:
No, that’s not what I meant at all. I’m just saying I don’t think bisexual people necessarily pursue same sex relationships because they do have an option that is more acceptable.
I don’t think it’s a numbers game either, there are enough people out there on the sliding Kinsey scale to find each other even in outwardly straight settings. A lot of people have feelings toward the same gender, fewer work towards relationships. That’s what I’m curious about.
Wow, I knew it was more common for bi people to be in heterosexual relationships (because of numbers, or societal pressure, or other reasons), but I’m surprised that I’m the ONLY bi person in a gay relationship on the SD! We’ve been together 8 years and are getting married in September. I’m pretty near the center of the Kinsey scale too.
I don’t think I agree with your suggestion, though I’m sure you’re not wholly wrong. I’m a bi woman in a relationship with a man. Had I met a gay/bi woman with whom I clicked before I got in this relationship, I’d be in a relationship with a woman - but there are a lot more straight/bi men around, and so the chances of me finding a man to be in a relationship with were always going to be much higher. You’ve got to specifically look for potential female partners, whereas potential male partners are all over the place - maybe I just mix in particularly heteronormative circles, but that’s been my experience. It’s not about acceptability - no one I know would have a problem if I started dating a woman (well, except my boyfriend; he’d probably mind), it’s just that it’s much easier to meet potential male partners than female ones, because there are more of them around and open about their sexual preferences.
Saying it’s about acceptability sort of implies that we’re taking the easy way out by dating opposite-sex partners, rather than that the person we met and were attracted to first happens to be of the opposite sex. I don’t think that’s fair or accurate.
That must be a factor for some bisexual people, but it’s simplistic to assume this is the #1 reason why a bisexual person might be with an opposite-sex partner.
*Spoken like someone who’s never been queer in a small town. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t have been single as long as I have been.
Dating ISN’T a pure numbers game, but even if it were then the odds favor a bisexual person having an opposite-sex partner. Remove all social bias and negative stereotypes from the equation and you’re still left with the fact that heterosexuals are a large majority of the population. Bisexual people are still going to be meeting a lot more straight/bi folk of the opposite sex than gay/bi folk of the same sex.
*How do you know who isn’t working towards same-sex relationships and who just hasn’t found one? And why should someone who is equally attracted to both men and women put extra effort into finding a same-sex partner when they’d be just as happy with an opposite-sex partner? Not that all bisexuals are a true Kinsey 3, but even those who are have a better chance of meeting a compatible partner of the opposite sex.
It’s also possible that a majority of bisexuals actually are inherently more attracted to people of the opposite sex than they are to people of the same sex. I don’t know if this is true and I don’t think there’s any reliable way to find out, but it’s not inconceivable that Kinsey 3+ bisexuals (either equally attracted to men and women or favoring their same sex) are relatively rare.
Another factor is that a lot of bisexuals in long-term same-sex relationships wind up calling themselves gay or lesbian, partly because that’s how society will view them anyway, partly because of the bad rap being bi has in some gay and lesbian circles.
No you’re not. My primary relationship is with another woman. (Though technically I identify more as pansexual than bisexual, because I reject that gender is binary.)
There’s that, and also even if a bisexual person in a same-sex relationship doesn’t say they’re gay/lesbian then others will usually assume this is the case. I doubt many bisexual people in same-sex relationships make a big point of telling all their acquaintances “Just so you know, I’m actually bisexual!”
