Okay, so we’ve had probably a half dozen ATGG threads, at least two “Ask the Lesbian” threads (one by andygirl, one current in IMHo by QGG and contributed to by others), and one “Ask the closeted bisexual” by Chef Troy. That’s all I can think of right now, though I’m sure there are others.
What I’d like to do is something slightly different … I’d like to formulate a FAQ that could be used in places other than the SDMB (I’d love to link to it on my webpage and in my email sig, for one).
The problems begin with subject matter. I have not had scads of experience being bisexual (roundabout two and a half years), and happily I have run into little opposition compared to many other people. Since many of the people I have met know what I mean when I saw I’m bi, I haven’t become exceedingly familiar with what aspects of being bisexual make it an entirely different experience from, say, being gay (well, other than that one;)).
So my thought is for this to be both an ATBG (anyone with experience being/knowing someone bisexual is free to comment/ask questions, as is the case in similar threads) thread and a compendium of experiences from which to write the whole “Q:/A:” part of a FAQ. Going from the simple “What does being bisexual mean” (well, simple to me:D) to more complex matters as they present themselves.
Bit of background to simplify this a bit (at least in the early-going): I’m 21, bisexual, engaged to a woman (who knows, but her parents do not). My parents know and are fine with it. My siblings know and are fine with it. My immediate family is decently religious (mostly open-minded Catholics); father’s a monk, FWTW. I don’t think I’m effeminate to any exceedingly visible degree.
Patrick - When did you find out/decide that you were bisexual? How did you know? I’ll also go ahead and ask the “simple” question: What does being bisexual mean?" Are you and your fiancee monogamous, or can/do you have a boyfriend on the side?
The simple question to the simple answer: I am attracted to both men and women. In terms of sexuality as we think of it from being het to bi to homo, I think that’s as empirically as I can state it.
There are complexities and add-ons, of course. It’s about much more than who you find attractive (or, perhaps more to the point, who you can’t/don’t find yourself being attracted to). A comprehensive “what does it mean to be bisexual” answer could easily be a six-volume reference book because the specifics differ for each person. Some are mostly attracted to one sex but partially so (although to a lesser degree), some are “perfectly” in the center, etc. There are varying scales. There’s also the whole “living with it” aspect … I’ve found that being (to any degree openly) anything but heterosexual makes you more aware of what sexuality is than if you never have to go through that questioning phase. To a certain extent, being bisexual (as with anything that makes you question parts of your existence you had previously believed to be something else) often means you know parts of yourself better than others who have never gone through that questioning stage do.
The one consistent thing, though, is that (IMO) we are all attracted (in varying degrees) to both men and women.
My fiancee and I are in a semi-closed relationship. She doesn’t want me doing anything with anyone unless she’s there/involved. This is not nearly as much of a problem for me as you might imagine;) When we first met and I told her I was bi, she said she actually had a fantasy or two about being with two men at the same time.
And even if I could, right now and for the foreseeable future it’s just not something I have time for. One relationship is difficult enough to maintain healthily; two would cut down severely on both my sanity and my free time:)
There was an opportunity within the past month for a threesome of sorts, but it never panned out. She wasn’t completely comfortable with him, I was either tired, utterly unhorny or not in a position where sexual activity would have been reasonably possible, and so it just didn’t happen.
The road to me figuring out I was bisexual … well, the short answer, anyway, since I’m not about to post the entirety of My Coming Out Story:
I’d been wondering just what the hell I was for some months since a friend came out to me and something clicked inside me that while I definitely wasn’t gay, I wasn’t completely straight, and that was okay (cf. Catholic upbringing, combined with Catholic high school).
Fast forward from that March to that November (2000). I went to a showing of Coyote Ugly wherein one actor does a strip tease of sorts on a bar. Well, that was all fun and such but of all things, he twiddles (is that the right word? It’s what we used in HS) his nipples.
Without getting TOO TMI, I knew then. I didn’t react messily (never do, regardless of the stimulus, unless I’m in a very specific place), but I did react in a way such that I knew that being attracted to those guys in high school and seeing those two men in that Ralph Lauren ad (hot enough to melt the television) … those events weren’t just random or flukes. I guess the easiest way to say it is this: when an attractive individual walks into the room, I know. Same as for a het guy if a hot girl (to him) walks in, or a gay guy sees a hot guy.
I didn’t really “decide” that I was bisexual so much as I realized it. Whether you meant it or not, there is, to me at least, a certain meaning to “decide” that implies some element of choice or “say”, if you will, in the matter. While I definitely wouldn’t change that aspect of myself, I don’t wake up every morning and decide to be attracted to both sexes:) It’s like how you can’t really choose who you find attractive or who you fall in love with. It just happens, and in my mind the best way to deal with it is to realize it, accept it and act accordingly.
Is it possible to be bisexual to a greater or lesser degreee? Well, I know it is, judging by your answer to Nate’s questions, but I’m asking for further clarification because I have a slight suspicion that I may be bi to a small degree. I’m generally straight, but still in the process of figuring out what the hell I actually am.
Have you ever had to deal with discrimination/prejudice? Is it as common as “gay-bashing?” or is it easier for a person who’s bi rather than gay?
Love the idea, by the way. “The Great Bisexual FAQ” has such a ring to it…
I’ll chime in here. I should note that I’ve never actually had sex with a man, but then again I’ve only ever had sex with two people in my life.
For me, it was when I was 14 or 15. I don’t really remember what happened to make me realise it; I just remember telling a friend of mine that I was bisexual. When I think about it now it seems like I always knew to some extent. I never found homosexuality icky like the morons in school, and so on.
One misconception about bisexuality seems to be that bisexuals have two separate sexualities. According to this view, I couldn’t be happy with either a man or a woman but would have to have both. This is completely incorrect. I have a single sexuality that just happens not to care about gender.
I’m monogamous and satisfied that way. I’d happily have a threesome or, some day, a three-way relationship if we found a third person we were both in love and comfortable with, but I think that applies to many straight people as well.
This is exactly why I’m not fond of labels. No-one can say that it is or isn’t possible to be “a little” bisexual. If you’re male and feel a little bit attracted to men, it could be anything. Curiosity, a kink, something to get out of your system… or socially suppressed bisexuality. Go find out.
I’ve never had to deal with anything like that personally, mainly because a casual observer would never know. Like I said I’ve only had two serious relationships and both were with women. As far as I can tell, though, gaybashers make very little difference between gay men and bisexual men. We’re all fags to them.
Hell yes. I identify as gay, because my leanings are so incredibly skewed towards men. However, I have more than aesthetic appreciation for truly attractive women. Does that mean a relationship between myself and a woman would ever work out? Does it mean a one night stand between me and a woman would ever work out? Dunno. But to deny I have any feelings at all beyond platonic would be a lie, which just doesn’t seem right.
Frankly, just relax and be yourself. Labels are nice for comfort, but sexuality doesn’t conform to neat boxes. Be attracted to whoever you’re attracted, and forget the world. Its easier to do these days, because there is a space for you no matter who you end up with.
Hell yes. I identify as gay, because my leanings are so incredibly skewed towards men. However, I have more than aesthetic appreciation for truly attractive women. Does that mean a relationship between myself and a woman would ever work out? Does it mean a one night stand between me and a woman would ever work out? Dunno. But to deny I have any feelings at all beyond platonic would be a lie, which just doesn’t seem right.
Frankly, just relax and be yourself. Labels are nice for comfort, but sexuality doesn’t conform to neat boxes. Be attracted to whoever you’re attracted, and forget the world. Its easier to do these days, because there is a space for you no matter who you end up with.
Dang. Priam beat me too it. Oh well, the hamsters let me get through, so I might as well take advantage of it and post. I hope iampunha won’t mind me hijacking the thread a wee bit.
Like Priam, I myself identify as gay. I did have a significant period, which lasted about a year or two, where I went from “straight” to “bi” to “gay”. I put those in quotations, as I feel that no one truly belongs to one category or another. I believe more in the spectrum model of sexuality. I was just exploring my place on that spectrum.
I realized that I like guys in my second year of university. I had always known, but I never admitted it to myself. I later realized that the feelings that I had towards women were a bit misplaced. I had always wanted a girlfriend, as I always figured that you were nobody, unless you were with somebody. Essentially, I wanted someone to love me, so that I could love myself. I was more in love with the idea of a girlfriend, than women in particular.
Now, the funny thing is, every so often I will meet or see a girl who I will develop a crush on. I will just find them stunningly beautiful. I can’t explain it. Much like Priam, I have no clue if a relationship would work out, or even a one night stand. Funnily, despite my intense feelings, sex usually is the furthest thing from my mind. So, I would have to put myself at a 5 on the whole Kinsey scale, in that I am primarily gay, with some feelings for the opposite gender. I would say that you are a 1 (remember, 0 is a “pure” heterosexual, and 6 is a “pure” homosexual). I must admit, trying to figure out where I fit in was a heck of a ride. Aren’t questions about sexual identify fun?
Now, let’s see if the hamsters can push this one through, or if it shall be lost to the ether…
It can be difficult … sometimes I still wonder just what the hell I am, since there isn’t a lot of discussion in common parlance on just what being bisexual means (thus this thread and the FAQ).
The Kinsey Scale says, basically, that if you’re between a 2 and a 6 (I think it goes to 7, but I’ve seen 0-6, 1-6 and 1-7, so…) you’re bisexual to some degree. I’ve also heard the term “bi-curious”, but I’ve heard that with two different meanings: A, that you’re still figuring out what you are but you’re not totally hey, and B, that you’ve figured out what you are and you’re somewhat attracted to one gender but definitely to the other.
I’ve tried to put myself on the 1-7 scale before and it’s difficult because while I know I’m attracted to men more than just vaguely, I’m definitely attracted to women more, even if it’s just a little. I usually say I’m about a 2.5.
Does that help at all? It’s okay for your perception of that number to change as you figure out more about yourself, btw. Your first guess, so to speak, doesn’t have to be where you stay.
Yes and no, and sometimes more. I’ve had to deal with people who conflate gay and bisexual and assumed I was a pedophile (well, they would have if I’d come out to them, but since I didn’t want to have to deal with that at work I decided to figure out who was safe and tell them). I’ve had to deal with several people (including my gay roommate, the one who propositioned me) tell me outright that A) bisexuals are either het or homo and lying to themselves either way, B) there’s no such thing as bisexual, C) bisexuals just can’t figure out what the hell they are or what the hell they want, etc. Then there’s the people who automatically equate non-heterosexuality with Cum-Dripping Manwhore Syndrome … that is, if you’re not perfectly straight your utterly promiscuous, incapable of a monogamous relationship, out to corrupt America’s youth, etc etc etc.
I actually was tutoring some kids once near where I was going to school (this was about a year and a half ago) and they started asking me if I was “gay-Y” (pronounced gay-why, sorta … it allowed them to differentiate between gay happy and gay homosexual). I think they said I didn’t seem straight, which is odd because that’s the only time anyone has ever said that to me since I came out to myself. Anyhow, I wasn’t about to tell them because it was none of their business and because I had a feeling they’d treat me like shit if I did tell them (assuming they understood at all). Long story made short, they decided that because I wasn’t answering their questions I was gay, started throwing stuff at me (rocks, sticks, branches, etc) and after a while I left.
That’s the only time another’s ignorance over sexuality or someone questioning mine has led to violence.
I don’t know if this sort of thing is more common than gaybashing … I know I’ve read more than once on here the very things I’ve discussed as being untrue, including at least one doper who went on very rudely and in the face of at least three bisexuals about how he would never date a bisexual guy because they are incapable of committment, or they always cheat, or something like that (it’s kinda not the most fun thing to remember coming from this guy or being written on this board, so I didn’t take the time to memorize it and I’m sure as hell not going to look for it right now). I hope that’s not a common misconception, but I’ve been known to have overly idealistic views on some things.
The thing about it is that there are people (regardless of non-bisexual sexuality; the guy in the previous paragraph is gay) who are fine with gay people but have issues with bisexuals for a variety of reasons:
They think bisexuals are just trying to get laid by whomever
If the bisexual person in question is female, they think the person is just doing it to attract guys
They do not believe bisexuality exists
Same stuff about monogamy and such that I talked about earlier. CDM Syndrome.
Related to this is the often-innocent but kinda silly question “So could you be happy with only one person? Wouldn’t you have to have both to be truly happy?” I think of this on about the same level with “So I hear if you’re gay, you get hard from looking at your own dick” … it’s just so silly/stupid. It’s hard to answer seriously because the idea is so preposterous, but let me try to answer at least the first:
Humans have more than one preference for their mate. We like different bodytypes, or hair colors, or whatever. For bisexuals, that difference in preferences is especially heightened by the differences between men and women. I use the whole restaurant menu for a comparison (at first; later I’ll talk about monogamy and open relationships). I’ve got my honey. I prefer her:D But there is (fortunately for the rest of you poor souls who don’t get to have her) more beauty in the world than just her. There are many other attractive people. Might the two of us have a fling with my fiancee? It’s foreseeable. She’s straight, btw, so that cuts out any and all women, with the possible exception of Angelina Jolie, should I ever find her attractive enough to do anything with.
I am happy with my hunny. She does not have a penis (this makes intercourse a lot easier, let me tell you:D). I am also attracted to men. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with a man, but I am very satisfied with her. I’m still attracted to men just as I’m attracted to women. I wonder what it’d be like to be with other women, but I’m fine with mine:)
Many people are monogamous regardless of their sexuality (I’m still not 100% sure what I am). Many people are polygamous regardless of their sexuality (though said sexuality, of course, comes into play when looking for other partners). Heterosexual men and women, bisexual men and women and homosexual men and women are all monogamous and polygamous, depending on what they are:) It is not restricted to a particular gender or sexuality. People who are heterosexual just tend not to talk about it as much as people who aren’t. But then, people who aren’t often end up talking about their sex lives a lot more than their het counterparts because so many people still have no clue whatsoever. We’re also a lot more in tune with what we like and don’t like, and more willing to admit it and pursue it, whatever it might be. At least IMO and IME:)
I think the easiest way of answering the whole “would(n’t) you have to have two people to be truly happy?” question is to tell that person that for those who are monogamous, the desire is to be with one person. For those who are not, the desire is less strong to be with only one person. It’ll be interesting to see how we answer this question when we tell my hunny’s parents.
Priceguy, Priam, Emperor Penguin and iampunha - thanks very much. I couldn’t think of anyone to ask, as my family would throw fits if they knew I was even entertaining the idea of being bi (as in, I’m worried to say “hey, she’s pretty, isn’t she?”)
I will keep tabs on this thread, and here’s to Enlightened Bisexuals everywhere!
It all depends on the individual Cheif Crunch. I have received fantastic oral sex from both men and women, and have received horrible frieghtening oral sex from both men and women as well. I suppose if I count the amount of bad times I remember then I think there were more bad women then men, but just barely…I know it is a vague answer but best I could come up with.
(besides even sub-par oral isn’t so bad, you know? )
How do you go about finding out if your partner (who you assumed was totally 100% het)is bi?
And once you DO find out they are bi, what the hell is one supposed to do about it?
I’ve never been in his situation before, but the best way to find out is to ask. That or it may just naturally come up in conversation.
For the second part, I’m not too clear on what you mean by “what is one supposed to do about it”? Do you mean what do you do if you find out that your SO is bi? If that is the case, I would go “cool”, and that would be about it. I’d happily date a guy who identified as bi, and not gay. They’re in a relationship with you, not your sex, or your orientation.
I’ll have to defer to someone who’s been with both sexes, as my sexual forays are limited in end-game (i.e. penetration) sexual activity to one person, and she hasn’t changed gender:)
I would think it would depend on the person, though, at least from a hypothetical point of view.
Loneraven, if you have any questions/comments/whatever you’d rather keep private, please do feel free to email me. It’s in my profile and if you include “[SDMB]” in the email title, I’ll be sure and not delete it … I get a lot of spam with “hi, remember me?” or “A question for you, iam” and such, so identifying email as important or spam can be difficult.
IDBB, I have to say I am not totally sure what you mean … to me, the way you go about finding out if your partner is bi is if that partner tells you s/he is bi. If you’re talking about looking for possible signs … I dunno what to tell you. It’s different for everyone. You’ve heard the saying “a mother knows” referring to sexuality (among other things), yes? Well, in my case, a mother didn’t know. She was utterly shocked (in the sense that she didn’t see it coming) when I told her.
Can you clarify what you mean by “how do you find out your partner is bi”? Are you looking for possible signs (but unwilling, for whatever reason, possibly, to talk to said partner about it)?
Once you find out your partner is bi … well, I dunno. My hunny, when she found out (on account of I told her very early on:)), said “oh, okay” basically. It need mean nothing more than your partner is attracted to more than just the opposite sex. As I said before, being bisexual does not make me polygamous nor does it make me unsatiable (though B [hunny] would disagree with that;)) or about to cheat on someone etc. Being bisexual does not spell the end of a relationship.
Also, what I said to loneraven. If there’s something(s) about this you’d rather keep off the board, please do feel free to email me.
