Blackclaw, Office Barbarian

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The manager stepped out of her boss’s office and sighed. Her meeting had given her no clear direction on what to do about the looming crisis. With a look of determination she strode down to Blackclaw’s cube.

“Blackclaw, I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice.”

Blackclaw mumbled something, not looking up from his computer where he was testing a new 3d modeling program, learning perl, writing a procedure for an application wizard, and reading the Straight Dope all at the same time.

Unabated, the manager continued. “Blackclaw, it seems that one of the new companies we recently purchased is having a hard time fitting into our corporate culture. My boss said we should ‘Leverage our common goals across boundary lines in order to create synergy’ but it seems to me that doesn’t isn’t very actionable.”

Blackclaw turned to face his manager at last, his brow furrowed. “Why do you speak like that? These words you say, they have no meaning.”

The manager sighed and then with a look of determination said, “This new company we bought out is dicking us around. They don’t listen to us, they don’t follow our standards, and they refuse to even consider changing their ways.”

“Ah,” said Blackclaw rising to his feet. “Well then our course of action is clear. We are EDS! We must rule with an iron fist! We must crush all who oppose us! Merge their technical writers with our marketing staff. Treat their secretaries like receptionists. Treat their receptionists like janitors. Lay their janitors off and watch their office fall apart. Inform their programmers and engineers that they are now part of our 24 hour help desk.”

“That’s… that’s barbaric!” stammered the young manager.

“Yes, but show them no mercy until they abide to our will. Then undo all of these changes.”

“I don’t know…it seems so cruel. Why not just take away their coffee machine while we’re at it?”

“No! Never mess with the coffee! We want submission not revolt!” warned Blackclaw.

The above story is mostly fiction. No technical writers, marketing staff, secretaries, receptionists, janitors, programmers, or engineers were actually harmed. (Although the tech writers in my group were at one time in the marketing department, but that wasn’t my fault. They broke free before I joined the group.) The story was inspired by the very real problem of one of our newly acquired groups not being very cooperative and this is the response I wish I could give. Frankly I think a beheading by the copier machine could solve the whole thing.

2

Do you guys read The Art of War by Sun Tzu during lunch-breaks, by chance?

3

I actually have a quote from it on a plaque in my cube. :slight_smile:

4

Woo, man, you’re scarier than I thought!

:slight_smile:

5

Bill Gates: We have won again! This is good! But what is best in life?
Director of Marketing: Exclusionary bundling deals, proprietary drivers, vulnerable security, fabulous wealth.
Bill Gates: Wrong! Legal, what is best in life?
Director of Legal: To crush your competition, see them fold before you, and hear the lamentation of their lawyers.
Bill Gates: That is good.

6

So why did you acquire this foreign land? Their produce, their women, their profits?

You must take from them what you need. Remember, however, that a yeoman may be more productive than a serf, if more difficult to manage.

This may be your liege lord’s hissy fit over their not bowing deeply enough when the entourage passes by. If so, explain their uncivilized nature, and pacify your lord with some virgins (or hookers if virgins aren’t readily available).

But if their independence is actually HINDERING your other plans for global domination. I agree that public executions are the best response. Perhaps let it be known that you are establishing a short list of who NOT to fire if compliance doesn’t improve.

7

Bah, we foolishly believed that we needed their NT product. We have angered the great demon lord UNIX!

Indeed, we wish them to prosper. We only require that they occasionally let us know how they progress. Instead, they tell us their plans are complete before our scribes have even arrived!

(Translation: They asked us to document their latest software product but didn’t give us access to the product. Now the product is done and they claim our writers are the bottleneck since the documentation hasn’t even been started.)

They are fairly few in number. Any losses we inflict upon them may end their civilization entirely. A few months of toiling at the 24 hour help desk should destroy their resolve against us. I may even torture them a few times myself.

“Hello, help desk? I just received an email with a strange attachment on it, but when I clicked on it nothing seemed to happen. What’s that? Oh, I disabled my anti-virus software, it slowed my computer down.”

8

I’d just wander down there and tell them they’re idiots.
But if anonymity is a factor, then swing by your local florist, pen a nasty anonymous note-- How about a firing haiku?-- and pay cash to have it delivered.