Blooming Obscenity

About five years ago this nice little old lady that comes to our office brought me a small aloe looking plant. She said her mother had given it to her forty years ago, and it had very beautiful blooms so she gave me a cutting to bring some life to my office.

I put it into a pot, and once a week I watered it, and it surprised by living and thriving.

About three weeks ago, it put forth a pod which began to grow and grow and showed signs of turning into something that might bloom, something green hollow and fist-sized.

Today, I’m on the phone, and in the reflection of my computer screen I see something move behind me. I turn around and the pod is opening into a bloom before my eyes, fast enough to watch. I am horrified.

Imagine if some fat lady had been dead a week floating in a pond and she suddenly walked out of the pond, naked, and spread her legs invitingly. That’s what this bloom looked like. It’s a fetid yellow with pink lines as if it was rotten flesh with worms moving beneath the surface. The horrid center is like a black rotten, festering wound of a genitalia. It has five limbs like a starfish, or… a human. A head, two legs, two arms.

Did I mention that it smells exactly what it looks like? A week old corpse.

I looked it up, and that’s what it is, a corpse plant. Stapelia Gigantea. Right in my office. I went home during lunch and took pictures to prove it if you don’t beleive me. I don’t know how to host a picture, but I’ll email it to a nonbeleiver who can host it.

This nice little old lady… who likes me… gave me a corpse plant.

Oh, The bloom is hairy as well, kind of like an old lady’s mustache.
How cool is that?

It stinks so bad, I want to cut if off. People come into my office and look at me like I just farted. The idea that this thing took five years to bloom, and the novelty of it makes me unable to do it. So, I just worked all day with this slutty looking corpse of a flower behind me.

Nature’s wild.

The bloom is also a whole foot across, so it’s a big corpse.

You have got to post a picture of that! I use Webshots and it’s very easy.

Tell me how.

Yes! Tell him how!

Yes, yes! cried the masses. Tell him how!!

Open up a free account with Photobucket

After you do so, hit the browse button-

You can even put the picture on your desktop so it’s easier to find.

After you hit browse, click on desktop and look for the picture.
Click OK. Check to see if the picture is there.

If it is, copy the link and post it here.

I hope I explained that correctly.

Just email them to me and I’ll throw them up for you.

Beauty, as the saying goes, is in the eyes of the beholder. And as far as that plant is concerned, you ain’t all that either. The attention it seeks is that of some insect whose turn-ons are decaying corpses in the moonlight and long cross-pollinating flights.

Isn’t that a pretty rare plant to have? I’ve heard of the wild version, in the jungles. When a botanical garden has had one bloom, it’s been on the news for crying out loud!

Feed that thing and you may be famous!

On the way, and thanks!

Yeah! I remember seeing these things talked about on CNN. I think it is rare.

Give me $20 and you can come to my office and smell the corpse plant. I’ll even let you touch the leathery thing.

Well here’s a page of Google Image Search results:

Neato! Like a desktop sized titan arum!

Google offers this.

The ones that get all the media hype are actually the Titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum). Google shows why they’re attention-grabbers.

:: shakes fist ::

Curse you!
Anyway, it turns out there are a number of plants that earn the name corpse flower by stinking to high heaven. Here’s a particularly hideous one.

Or you could buy one here for about $8:

Heh - perhaps I posted more quickly because I never can remember how to do nice tidy text links.

The hell with jet packs and flying cars - I want The Future to bring forth Interweb Smell-O-Vision!

I googled it too. I would be afraid to be in the same room with that thing, and I can’t even smell it. For one, I think it’s the cousin of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors.

She didn’t happen to say it’s name was Audrey II, did she?