Bond Villain Henchman Classified Ads

Wanted: Henchman. Specific body types only. Must be willing to wear rubber James Bond mask and stalk highly trained SPECTRE assassins. No experience necessary; will train.

Wanted: Bodyguard. Upwardly mobile Tycoon seeks large Asian gentleman for protection, assault, occasional murder. Must show proficiency with sharp-edged bowler hat. English preferred but not essential. Some travel.

Wanted: Submersible technician. Proficiency with dismantling other submersibles required. Must be willing to relocate to Greece. Excellent benefits.

Wanted: Henchman. Evil circus network seeks the following: Knife throwing twins. Saw-blade yo-yo expert. Farsi-speaking dice-crushing gargantuan. Serious inquiries only. Contact: Kamal Khan c/o Lake Palace Hotel, Rajasthan, India.

Famous assassin seeks Little-person manservant. Relocation a must; some travel. Duties include gourmet cooking, basic bartending, cleaning, operating elaborate indoor high-tech mechanical shooting range. Familiarity with Solex Agitator a plus.

Wanted: Assistant to international criminal. Low pay and plenty of verbal abuse and your boss will kill you for the slightest failure. I’ve been running this ad for months and am still waiting for someone to reply to it.

Wanted: Construction workers for underground hideout. No pay until my scheme comes to fruition. Maybe be killed in order to keep hideout secret. Will someone please reply? The ransom notes to world leaders have been written for months!

Wanted: Femme Fatale. Mysterious, beautiful woman wanted as very personal assistant to meet all possible needs of future ruler of the world. Must be familiar with knife fighting, garrotting, firearms, small unit tactics, sexpionage, disguise, 1920’s Style Death Ray operation, MicroSoft Word a must. Also make coffee. 5 years experience required.

Evil genius seeks large, brawny right-hand-man with unusual dental work. Language skills optional. Pls send resume to PO Box 1, Hollowed-Out Volcano, Pacific Ocean.

Wanted: Unkillable seven-foot henchman. Must be impervious to punches, gun-shots, collapsing Egyptian ruins, Roger Moore’s crusty yet charming Britishness. Necessary skill-set includes coffee-making, some word processing, and biting various things. Accomodation available on space station with Swedish chick.

ARE YOU AN M.D. WHO WORKED at Berkenau? Do you have a background in genetics? This multimillionaire megalomaniacal sociopath, born as a result of Nazi breeding experiments wants you! Knowledge of horse doping a plus. Please call 415-55ZORIN and ask for Mayday.

ARE YOU a l33t hax0r? Want a life of excitement better than Unreal Tournament brought to life? Former British Secret Service agent in search of “major geek.” Must be a multilingual master programmer with knowledge of satellite systems and a strong craving for the good – if underground – life. Overestimations of your own talents and ability to double-cross current co-workers will net high priority. Call 01 23 LIANSK and wow Miss Onatopp with your sk1llz.

Wealthy industrialist seeks motivated lesbian flight instructor. Duties include personal pilot - Lear Jet, training squad of large pointy-breasted Kentucky area women for Piper Cub formation flying, cropdusting.

FOR SALE TO GOOD HOME: Purebred Persian cats; each with a quiet and calm nature. Suitable for companionship in finest Las Vegas penthouse surroundings. Call the Whyte House, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Stupid henchman required. Must be willing to undergo extensive plastic surgery, then be killed instead of me. Cat lover essential.