Let me start by describing my apartment building.
I live in Brooklyn NY on the ground floor/basement apartment. My place is about 3 feet underground in the front of the building but about 7 feet down in the back. The back is where my bedroom is. I do have a full window back there that actually faces a shaft of concrete that is about 5 by 8. There is another building in the back that used to be a carriage house that is now two apartments. So in between the two buildings is a small yard of sorts. Now the people who have access to this yard are expressly forbidden to use it for parties. They still do of course but the latest carriage house dwellers are cool about it and shut down at a reasonable hour. However one of the main building apartments has a back door that opens out to the yard and this story is about them.
Last night as Mrs. Zebra and I were asleep (she with the flu no less) we were awakened by some laughter outside our window and an unusual odor. It took me a minute to realize that I smelled smoke! So I get up and look out the window and I spy three young women (early twenties) gathered around a little cookout grill and they had a large fire going in it. To this one was adding paper. It looked like she had ten sheets of printer paper and was tearing up strips and was putting them in the fire. Standing at the window I can hear them clearly. One went to gather some sticks and the two remaining said something like this.
Stupid Bitch: You know I went to this African spiritualist who read my coconut husks and she told me that when you want a new man in your life you should just clear out a space in your closet. You know get rid of some ‘stuff’.
Even dumber Bitch: Really
Stupid Bitch: Yeah, also building a fire like this on the equinox is really powerful as there is all this power convergence.
Fire Hazard Bitch: (returning from stick gathering) Yeah and I think it’s so symbolic getting all the dead sticks off the trees and getting rid of them.
At this point I am tempted to open the window and yell ‘Would you mind worshiping Satan a little more quietly!’ Of course the fact that they really aren’t worshiping Satan gets in my way so I stand there behind the blinds watching them and knowing that they don’t know I’m watching.
There was some more ‘By the Power of Three’ crap and a lame attempt at dancing around the fire.
From what I gathered Fire Hazard Bitch was burning stuff related to Jason at the prompting of Stupid Bitch, who now had a branch with some old seed pods on it still and was going around the grill shaking it and commenting how it sounded ‘African’ and how she wished she knew more ‘Indian’ chants. She then proceeded to do the “Indian Chant” that the Atlanta Braves do. So how this a bottle of Guiness and burning the crap and the equinox were supposed to make their lives better. Later after the fire that sat staring at the ashes, smoking a cigarette and I pretty sure realizing that their lives were as empty as their heads.
After being forbidden to go out and kill them by Mrs. Zebra I knew that if I even spoke to them I would end up in a killing spree so now I will speak to the Witches of Brooklyn.
THERE IS A REASON THAT OPEN FIRES LIKE THIS ARE BANNED IN NYC!
Do you see all the dead dry leaves on the ground? Didn’t the time a large chunk of burning paper blew out and the three of you had to stomp it out make you think that maybe putting more sheets of paper on the fire was a bad idea? Did you think about where all that smoke would go? I’m pretty sure that you didn’t, as the ability to think seems beyond you.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THE PAGAN THING DO IT RIGHT FOR CRISSAKES!!!
I may not know much about pagan rituals but I do know that you either wear black robes or you wear nothing at all. I am pretty damn sure that you can not ‘channel the Mother Goddess’ wearing your latest fashions from OLD NAVY. Their clothes may be comfortable and affordable but they really weren’t designed for summoning ancient sprits. Lose those ‘item of the week’ vests, your ‘lose fit’ jeans and get naked or get out! Also you can’t mix and match from different cultures. Don’t use the Native American chant with the African dance with some sort of Wicca thing you saw in THE CRAFT.
And do you really think that you can summon up some positive energy by pissing off all of your neighbors and having them seething with anger at you.?!?!
**Did you ever think that Jason left you because he couldn’t stand your stupid ass friends?!?! **
Later that night the Mother Goddess made her own mocking statement.
A cat in heat went about howling for love and got none.