I have recently started working for a new company. The specifics of the company and the work that I do are not terribly important. As an overview, I am the linkage between the Finance department (as an accountant) and a group of cost centres that collectively process a lot of paper.
My goal was to properly cost the activities that all of the cost centres do so we can accurately determine what the financial impact of any one kind of document is. For this, I need measurements and data.
Believing that this kind of information would be readily tracked, I was told to talk to a specific individual whose responsibility it is to capture productivity information. The conversations I have had with him have gone very close to this…
Me: “I understand that you track productivity stats. How do you do that?”
Him: “Well, let me show you my tool. It is really nice.”
Me: “O.K. Let’s see it.”
Him: “Well, I started building my tool about a year ago. I’ve had lots of practice with it. Here, let me bring it up for you.”
Much flipping through pages in an Excel spreadsheet
Me: “Could you show me where it is kept? I’d like to take a look at it on my own and try a few things.”
Him: “You want to play with my tool? Are you sure you know how?”
Me: “I’ve got a good idea. I’ve worked with my fair share.”
Him: “Don’t break my tool!”
A few days later
Me: “I’ve looked at your tool. Unfortunately, it isn’t really helpful.”
Him: “What? No one else has complained about my tool.”
Me: “Well, for one thing it is too rigid. I need it to have a little more flexibility. We need to be able to manipulate it to get stuff out.”
Him: “It is rigid for a reason. People like it that way.”
Me: “I don’t. If I can’t massage it, I can’t benefit from it.”
Him: “You can massage my tool.”
Me: “Not really. Can we change the positions for the inputs?”
Him: “No. You’ll make a mess.”
Me: “What if I want to change the number times we can use it?”
Him: “No, my tool can’t get any bigger.”
Me: “Can it work automatically?”
Him: “No, someone has got to work it manually.”
Me: “See? Your tool is poorly designed for our purposes.”
Him: “What? You suck, my tool now has been used for months without complaint.”
Me: “I’m sorry. But it needs to be better.”
Him: “But I love my tool.”
Me: “That’s nice. But it doesn’t give me anything I can’t get elsewhere.”
Him: “You’re wrong. My tool is great.”
Me: “Thank you for your time.”
Sure, sophmoric in the extreme and has been embellished a little. But this guy loves calling his spreadsheet him “tool”. Quite humourous to hear.