I subbed in the quote you specified.
Agreed, and I think the OP is overreacting a bit, and needs to reevalute the event. And the BF should have told her about it. But I also think that reevaluating the entire relationship is premature at this point.
Can someone with no kids have a valid opinion here? I honestly don’t know, but if you don’t think so, stop reading this post and/or disregard the following.
Contrary to most posters, I do not think the OP is overreracting. He hit her kid. He hit her kid. He hit her kid. And after she had specifically told him not to. I have a hard time thinking of a way to frame this as a forgiveable offense.
Go back and read tumbleddown’s post (#34), because I think it’s the best in the thread.
No he didn’t. You’re overreacting as well. Spanking a kid is not hitting them.
The OP seems a little melodramatic to me. As noted upthread, keep in mind that the discussion you had with him was more than two years ago and, during said discussion, you said that you felt you might have to resort to corporal punishment.
I’m not condoning your boyfriend’s behavior, but I think you need to get over the knee-jerk reaction to it. Is it good that he went against your wishes, spanked your kid and didn’t tell you? Absolutely not. But how many details did you get from the boyfriend? Was it a swat or did he turn your kid over his knee with a belt? Have you checked your kid’s, uh, wounds? Were there any? And you should also keep in mind that it’s important to take your kid’s words (and your boyfriend’s) with a grain of salt.
Also, remember - your kid hit his kid with a hammer. Whatever the hammer was made of, at six years old, your son knows damn well that’s not a good idea, yet he chose to do it anyway. I’d be pissed, too, if I were the boyfriend.
I guess my bottom line is - how much of this is blown completely out of proportion? How willing are you to listen to your boyfriend’s side of the story? And it sounds like you’re absolutely willing to end your relationship over this (presumably) isolated incident. Is that true?
How is spanking not hitting?
Not even after she told him not to… after he *agreed *not to. If he had said he firmly believed in spanking and would do it if necessary, at least she could have made an informed choice about leaving her son in his care… but he agreed to not spank the kid, broke his agreement, and then didn’t tell her. To me, that would be a Big Deal, step parent issues aside. It’s also something that the “she’s overreacting” crowd seems to be ignoring.
If my husband and I had a serious discussion about anything that he agreed not to do, him then doing it would be a huge issue. Him not telling me he did it would be even worse.
The fact that you ask the question, already says that there’s no point arguing with you.
No kids myself, but I have to disagree:
In this situation, I feel that the kid is not really her kid, but very much theirs.
While the OP may be rightfully upset that her BF acted outside their agreed-on perimeters of discipline, this seems to have been an extreme situation (about which the BF should have informed the OP). Setting double standards in parenting seems like a very unhealthy choice, so one cannot reasonably expect the BF to act as father for those three kids and not react accordingly when one hits the other with a potentially dangerous object.
Excuse me? To punch someone, to slap them, cane them, beat them with a belt, spank them, or whack them upside the head with a board may all be appropriate in specific situations, but they are clearly all forms of hitting.
prettydorky - Two years after you had one conversation where you thought you should spank your kid but didn’t, and he’s supposed to remember in the heat of the moment. You said that you’d been home for hours, everything was fine, and your kid mentioned he’d gottten in trouble and gotten spanked. He obviously wasn’t scarred for life over this incident. The kid didn’t come to you crying and say the BF beat him, or anything like that. You’re expecting him to take a parental role, as shown by the fact that he cares for your child when you’re at work.
You stayed so mad over this one incident you couldn’t even process what your BF was saying to you. And now you have a **Prepared Statement **threatening to take your ball and leave. Does he get to have a meltdown when you feed his kids sugar or take them to see a PG rated movie?
No one is perfect. He isn’t and neither are you. Get over it.
StG
Context, context, context. It is my opinion that the context that wheelz was describing and the context of spanking are not the same thing.
If you want to debate whether or not spanking is a valid form of punishment of children then go open a thread in GD. But I still stand by my opinion that the OP is overreacting and if she is going to entrust her children in the care of others she has to be willing to accept how they will punish them. Spanking is not out of the realm of possibilities that one would use to discipline a child.
Weighing in from the far end of the spectrum: I don’t care how long we’d been together, or how wonderful he was, if anyone laid a hand on Celtling the only word I’d have for him would be “Goodbye.”
Whatever room there may have been for him to believe what he did was OK, well, only you can really judge. But one thing is for certain: the fact that he didn’t tell you about it should terrify you.
ETA: Anyone who cares for Celtling is made clearly and completely aware that corporal punishment is unacceptable. I consider it my duty to be certain there is no room for confusion.
Agreed that the fundamental problem here isn’t the spanking, it’s the “your son, his kids” mentality. Either you’re both parents to all these kids or you’re not. If he’s not a parent, then he’s a babysitter, and should be paid and treated accordingly, including being held to your standards of discipline. If he’s a parent, then y’all need to get on the same page together, not you telling him what’s acceptable and what’s not.
I can suggest something for this point: “Fair isn’t treating everyone exactly the same. Fair is treating people how they need to be treated. For some people, taking away toys is what they need to learn how to use them properly. For other people, talking to them will work. For you, we’ve had to resort to spanking, because nothing else worked. If you have another suggestion as to how we can teach you not to hit people with hammers, I’d be happy to consider it.”
I wasn’t debating whether spanking is an appropriate form of hitting to use on a child, I was just disagreeing with you about whether it is a form of hitting at all. By all definitions that I can find, it is.
That being said, do you really think that anyone who cares for children gets to decide exactly what punishments they find appropriate, despite the wishes of the parents? Does that extend to daycare workers and babysitters?
Hell yes, within reasonable expectations for normal punishment. And spanking IMHO, is considered a normal punishment.
The ban on corporal punishment is what has ruined our public schools. Teachers can’t teach because they spend close to half their time dealing with discipline problems and they have no way to effectively hand out discipline. When I was growing up, you still had behavior problems but not as many as you do now. Back in the day, most kids feared the paddle, and kept themselves in check.
Her boyfriend is not taking care of her child; he is parenting. They have been together for 3 years. If it were a daycare worker or babysitter, we would be having a completely different conversation.
If he is not going to be parenting her son, then, for the sake of her kid, she should get out of the relationship (IMHO).
That doesn’t mean she should break up with him here and now but she needs to think about what she wants from the relationship because when there are children involved, you need to both be up front and clear. The kids don’t get to make the decisions but they are, sadly, the ones who will be most affected by them.
This is the root of your problem.
Seems the OP is also concerned about him not telling her about the incident. Well it was only a couple of hours after you got home, before your son mentioned it to you…it’s possible that your boyfriend forgot about it. Trust me this is not uncommon with guys. After the incident was handled, it was done…he may not have been withholding it from you…he may have not thought it was that big of a deal. If that’s the case, then you’ll have to decide if that’s a problem in and of itself, that the spanking wasn’t that big of a deal to your boyfriend.
Which is pretty much what I said earlier in the thread. But Wilbo523 is talking about daycare workers and babysitters, and that’s what I wanted to clarify.