I wasn’t the one that brought up babysitters and day care workers, you did.
Yes, because I was curious if you truly meant that anyone who takes care of children should have spanking open to them as an option, despite the wishes of the parents. It seems that you do. I was just making sure I understood what you were saying.
Sorry- I thought I’d be busy but I didn’t think I’d have to abandon the thread! Let’s see if I can answer several questions at once-
Some have you have said that immediate corporal punishment was not only justified, it was downright necessary in the face of what my son had done. I don’t disagree, but I didn’t come to debate whether the corporal punishment itself was warranted. And please know, I’m not in any way excusing what my kid did.
Thank you all for your thoughtful input. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion and your objective responses will help me be more mindful of how I approach my boyfriend about this. I didn’t want to react emotionally, which is I why I didn’t want to discuss this with him when I was still angry.
There seems to be an impression that I talked to my SO about all this once, one or two years ago. What I was trying to communicate is that I FIRST brought up the POSSIBILITY of using corporal punishment a little over 2 years ago (sorry for mistyping earlier) and we have been discussing it, as partners do, ever since then. The boyfriend and I are sometimes on the same page and sometimes not, but we present a united front to the kiddos. At no time would I ever undermine a punishment in front of the kids. We listen to each other and compromise when required. I respect his decisions wholly, but I don’t want him spanking my kid. Nobody but me is allowed to spank him, marital or biological status aside. Maybe that’s wrong of me, but that’s my call as Mom. It might be time to revisit this edict as it was a reaction to past trauma and obviously the boyfriend is not to be held accountable for all of that.
I am not trying to stir up a bunch of drama. I just don’t want this to happen again, and by this, I mean the crossing of a boundary we had already agreed on. and not even discussing it with me. I’m not going to change my mind about how I feel about this, but I do hope to be able to discuss it with him effectively and not be hurtful.
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Fair enough.
Bearing that in mind, you make a pretty clear case that after three years the BF is not a father figure. He should immediately stop picking up her child after a fall, buying treats for the child, and telling him stories at night. After all, he is not his child, he is “her kid”.
Shame really, he doesnt exactly sound like a terrible father figure, but hey, its her kid, and he has only helped raise it for three years. Who does he think he is?
Is he ever going to be a parent in this relationship? Or will he always just be a guy who lives there?
Understand that a large number of people in this thread think you are setting up a minefield for your SO. If you have a child that is seriously and dangerously misbehaving, and the only logic you put forward for not having him spanked when acting out in a dangerous fashion is “I’m the Mom, my word is law”, that’s fine as far as it goes, but any reasonable person is going to think twice about being involved in a no-win scenario with an out of control kid and an enabling mother who is far more focused on her child’s feelings than the real world havoc he is wreaking.
This is the part I don’t understand. I can absolutely understand “Nobody, including me spanks him”. I can even understand “the babysitter, the friend’s mother and the casual boyfriend can’t spank” It’s the “nobody but me”, marital,biological or presumably legal status aside that i don’t understand. Do you really mean that if you and this man have a child together while living as a a family you would believe you had the right to tell him that he couldn’t spank his child but you could?
I am by no means pro-spanking, but I am pro-consistency. If you and he are both acting as parents (and since you refer to a blended family, I assume you are ) you should both have the same punishments available. Now that doesn’t mean you have to allow your boyfriend to spank your son , but it does mean if you don’t want him to spank you’ll have to give up that option yourself. I don’t necessarily see you as an enabling mother, but I do see a problem you’re setting up for your SO. If there is some consequence that you reserve for yourself and do not allow your SO to impose, that will give your son the impression that your SO has no authority over him. And it doesn’t matter whether that consequence is spanking a time-out or no playdates for a week. The problem is not going to be caused by the consequence itself, but by the disparity
You need to slap the boyfriend, and boyfriend’s daughter needs to kick you in the shins, only then will the circle be complete.
Personally, I think the boyfriend was wrong not to tell her – in that the OP should be aware that her kid hit someone with a metal hammer. Yes, it was a toy, but since she described it as metal, I’d like to know just how heavy, or how sturdy this thing was. He’s also six-years-old. That’s plenty old enough to know better. And as the OP mentioned that the kid is having problems – well, it sounds like there’s more to the story than she’s telling us.
(You sound more upset by what your boyfriend did than what your kid did. That sounds a wee troubling)
Or perhaps exactly the opposite?
maybe to him it was a really small matter, kid misbehaves dangerously, gets a quick swat, move on and one hour later forgotten?
The thing is, it didn’t seem like a big thing to your kid. The bigger drama you make of it, the more it upsets your kid. sort of like when they get a little booboo and keep playing. As soon as the over-concerned mom rushes over the tears and wails start.
You’re making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Get over it.
StG
Look, at no point did I say that he couldn’t discipline my son. I never said my son couldn’t be spanked, or that he’s some poor baby for what he got. I definitely never said it was ok to hit kids with hammers.
Discipline is something parents often feel strongly about and it’s something we agreed on together. Maybe I’m messed up to have made the request in the first place but we formulated a parenting stategy together and were supposed to be on the same page. Then, he changed the rules, without telling me, at his discretion, because he was angry. I don’t think that’s cool and I don’t think either of us should be allowed to do that.
Obviously I need to rethink how I talk to him about this, I had no idea it seemed so insulting, or minefield-like.
To the OP:
I have to echo a question posed earlier: What role do you see this guy as having? Is he ever going to be “Dad,” or just “Mom’s boyfriend”? Answer by asking yourself, “Do you ever want to be ‘Mom’ to his kids”? From where I sit, the future of the relationship is in the answers to those questions.
You realize that this whole issue could be a relationship deal-breaker, right? If you start wigging out over this, then he’s going to (rightly) think, “I have to protect my kids from her kids, and since she won’t “give” me the same level of authority she has, I won’t be able to protect them while simultaneously maintaining this relationship.” You’re going to make him choose his kids over you and yours, despite whatever blended family dynamic you have going on. If he’s a good guy, he’ll choose his kids in an instant. You’re going to back him into a corner if you persist in this nonsense about “nobody touches my kid but me.” Several posters have given you fair warning of that fact, probably from hard experience.*
Now, let’s assume you’re married to the guy and you had kids with him. If you discussed and agreed (hopefully before the first kid arrived) that corporal punishment is forbidden, and he did it anyway, then that would be a good cause to do something. In that case, one parent has a radically different view of discipline than the other, and there may be no reconciling possible. But making him a lieutenant to your general in the discipline department will be transparent to your kids and his kids, and they will exploit the power difference. Believe me.
*Disclosure: Not a parent, never been married, no live-in girlfriend.
Then what’s the issue? In all practical respects it sounds like you agree on his actions EXCEPT that he didn’t call you first?
What’s wrong with a simple - “hey bloke, next time you swat kid can remember to tell me so that I can reinforce the punishment?”
Let’s him know that you want to be kept informed, that you are not second guessing the punishment and still achieves the goal right?
If it were me, and the mummy behaved in the way that you seem to be suggesting I would be like “so what am I? I’m not an adult that can make an on the spot decision for kids that I am living with?”
As a side note, my kid often goes to play at her uncle’s place - he is free to discipline her as he sees fit, I trust him to do what is required if she misbehaves.
Is it possible he’s ashamed about doing what he did, in contravention of your wishes? It was a thing, he felt it was necessary, probably he was raised that it was the right thing to do.
It’s amazing how much of your parents is stuck in your head. You can agree all you want that you’ll be noble and good… but… you see the kid doing something like whacking with a hammer, and it’s like you’re your own dad, grabbing you, and whacking you on the butt instinctively.
Maybe he should have controlled the urge, but maybe he wasn’t even aware the urge was there till he did it.
It sounds like the OP already did a pretty good job of letting her feelings known, and that the boygriend might have learned his lesson. Those saying it’s “no big deal” to let somebody hit your kids are full of shit. It is a big fucking deal, but it sounds like this guy won’t do it again. I say it’s OK to give one chance with that, but one chance only. Just because you’re fucking somebody doesn’t mean you have the right to physically assault and batter their children.
If one parent has the notion that spanking of any kind, regardless of the specific scenario or circumstances that led to the kid being spanked is defacto assault and battery, then the other parent has to decide if they want to be in a relationship with a crazy person.
Assault and battery? Dio, how many sharks have you jumped by now? :rolleyes:
In my family, it was understood that aunts, uncles, grand parents were ALL figures of authorites. There weren’t any beatings, but spankings, swats on the butt, etc. No big deal.
My cousins Marc and Josh LOVE to tell the story about the time they were in Josh’s room the one day, and just lying on the bed, kicking the wall. Josh’s dad, comes in, our Uncle Craig, grabs Josh, and starts spanking him. Marc starts laughing and Uncle Craig looks at him, “What are you laughing at? You’re next!” Marc’s parents didn’t bat an eye.
I remember the time Marc and I were sitting in the back of the our car the one time, dropping f-bombs. (I think I was about four, and Marc was three). My parents didn’t say a word until we got home. My mother marches us into the bathroom and when we emerged our mouths were Zestfully-clean.
Question prettydorky, what do you exactly mean by “spanking?” Are we talking just a quick smack on the butt? And what kind of toy hammer was this? More details?
Well, Dio has spoken. Thread over.