If you somebody else’s kid, it’s assault and battery.
There are not two parents in this scenario. It’s one person belting another person’s kid.
Maybe the OP should just dump the bf and hook up with Dio, they seem to be on the same page of overreacting.
Aw. I love happy endings.
It’s not overeacting to be pissed off when somebody hits your kid.
But it is over-reacting to call it assault and battery especially when the full time adult in the house, the one that’s in a long term and committed relationship with the mother, a lady who says they are a family, does it.
Such a shame too… it was quite interesting and I was prepared to hang around and see how it would be resolved
(ftr: I would be pretty insulted to be demoted from “de-facto dad” to “unpaid babysitter”)
Here’s the story,
Of prettydorky,
Who was bringing up a very lovely boy.
He had brown hair,
Like his mother,
he used a hammer to his joy.
Here’s the story,
Of a man named SOdorky,
Who was busy with two girls of his own.
They were three people,
Living all together,
Yet they were all alone-.
Till the one day when prettydorky met this fellow,
and they knew it was much more than a hunch.
That this group might, somehow form a family.
That’s the way we all became the Dorky Bunch,
The Dorky Bunch…
The Dorky Bunch…
That’s the way- we became the Dorky Bunch.
Fuck off Doggy, you’re being a righteous tool.
I have been the mother-parent in this scenario, with kids being cared for in my absence by a non-bio father. When HE was looking after the kids, his rules ruled, so to speak. And I would have expected the same if the boot were on the other foot…if I am your guardian at any specified moment of time, you abide by my disciplinary conventions and I should not need to defer to a greater authority.
That having been said, there are of course limits to that discipline…a swat on the bum, time out, revoking treats and outings are one thing. Bashing a child is another. Nobody in this thread has agreed that the latter is ever OK.
So your problem is…?
:rolleyes:
Sometimes, even parents make mistakes in the heat of the moment. Was your kid permanently scarred, physically or psychologically? If not, then forgive your boyfriend, reiterate your rules, and move on. I only see this being a problem if it becomes a habit - if he continuously shows disregard for something you’ve already agreed on beforehand. If it was a one off sort of thing, I don’t see the point of making a production out of it. Threatening to leave him over a minor isolated incident seems over the top to me.
Personally, I’d say chances are good that your kid changed the rules by doing something so bad that the punishment you’d considered was inadequate. I mean, he did hit another kid with a metal hammer - that’s something you need to nip in the bud ASAP.
Indeed. Suppose they hit your kid with a metal toy of some kind. I’d be plenty pissed.
My opinion (as a non-parent): Spanking was justified, but OP should have been told at least as soon as she got home. Not so much because of the spanking, but because of what prompted it. If it was enough of an offense to warrant a spanking, it bears further discussion. And OP’s son should have been made to apologize to the girl he hit.
Oh, and to whoever that was who yearns for the days of corporate punishment in schools? Do you know what else they had in those days? Overcrowded classrooms with poor ventilation and so forth, basically in crummy buildings. Already a tense situation, IOW. And often, those kids didn’t plan on going past the eighth grade. And the teachers didn’t have one tenth of the credentials they’d need today, and many of them weren’t cut out to be teachers but fell into it because there were so few career choices for women. And so forth.
So I’m not so sure that teachers always used sterling judgment. Or that corporal punishment was the biggest factor (I didn’t even say only) in whether or how well kids behaved. I daresay teachers had their favorites and their scapegoats, just as they do today. And really, when you treat students like cattle and teachers like farmhands, of course corporal punishment is going to seem reasonable.
Fine, if little Celtling whacks my kid with a hammer, Celtling is going to be taken away by child welfare services because I can not keep my sprog safe, and I can not exert any sort of discipline. You can get Celtling back after explaining the mess to CWS. After you find a new place to live.
Look, in a supposed blended family, both parental units need to be able to exert discipline at need. Whacking a kid with a hammer needs immediate discipline, There is absolutely NO world where it is permissible to whack another kid with a toy or real hammer. Something is obviously wrong with the kid that he thinks he can get away with whacking his stepsister with anything other than a boffer toy during a boffer spar.
I can’t add too much to whether spanking the child was right or not, but, I can see a possible mitigating factor for bf not telling the OP. He may have done it as a service to the child. He may have been using the ethic that says “OK, you have been punished, case closed, and we’ll say no more about it.” I most definitely would not have told the mother, for this very reason. Too many times in my juvenile years I would be punished, then, got called onto the carpet for another lecture, or going through the same judge-defendant scenario. The overkill set me very much against the authority figures, and while I could love them, I would lose a lot of respect for them.
Perhaps the bf realized that the OP is the type to give the second lecture, and was using the man-to-man silence as a form of bonding with the child. It is embarrassing for a child to be disciplined, and perhaps the bf understood that more than the mother does.
Best wishes,
hh
And just when I thought you couldn’t top yourself.
This language is completely inappropriate for MPSIMS. If you have a problem with someone, take it to the Pit.
Dio, if you want to escalate things, do that in the Pit as well. When you’re in MPSIMS, behave yourself, don’t spout off with these deliberately inflammatory moral absolutes. Hand to hand combat is out of place here.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
I agree with the others who say that you can’t differentiate between a quasi-parent and a parent. He’s not just a boyfriend; he is the child’s sole father figure.
As a parent of two daughters, I know with absolute certainty that there’s no absolutely certain way to discipline a child. There are different methods that make sense to me, but it’s not unusual to have to use different methods on different children because of his/her unique personality. Spanking can work really well on one child yet be damaging to another. Our job as parents is to determine which method(s) are the most effective, temper discipline with positive reinforcement and love, and hope for the best.
Provided the OP’s boyfriend is normally loving and affectionate, and is never cruel, vindictive, or overly viscious with the discipline (be it corporal or otherwise), then my advice is to back off and let them develop their own relationship. My husband has a completely different method of disciplining our kids (I call it the “Bore them with your lengthy, well-intentioned speeches” method), and it’s very rare that I’ve ever felt the need to intervene. At the end of the day, it’s THEIR relationship, and they’ll work it out.
I think the OP was overreacting to a fairly benign parenting incident. I’m not a spanking fan, but thing there could be an occasion or two during childhood where it’s controlled use is appropriate. Also, as parents, we all have less than stellar parenting moments, but they get addressed and we move on.
I’m wondering why you reacted so strongly to this incident.
I know for me, it is usually because I want to do the full time parent job, but I can’t because I have to work. You two seem to be making a family. Is there any other reason you are angry with him? Thinking about breaking up with him over a single incident seems like an overreaction, so I’m wondering if this is a “last straw” issue.
Also, don’t be so timid with his kids. If you are indeed a family, step up to the plate and do the job- both of you.
I can see both sides of the issue and it’s not an easy one. Instinctively, you protect your child from anyone, everyone. You know that if you spank him, you’ll do it in a way that will get the point across, but not go to an extreme. But unless you trust someone else to have the same self-control and attitude, you aren’t going to sit there while someone hits your child. I couldn’t stand the way my ex disciplined our kids. It was always based on HIS mood, not their actions, and I absolutely did not trust him to control his anger or be consistent in any way, shape or form. And yes, they were his bio kids, too. That was one of the leading factors in our divorce.
I’ve been in a different relationship for several years and it’s been difficult to get past that and allow my SO to take a disciplinary role with my kids. Their father’s influence on them is part of the reason, but it’s also me and my general lack of trust in anyone else dealing with my kids. But it’s more MY problem, than my SO’s and I’ve had to recognize that and deal with it.
It sounds like, for whatever reason, you don’t trust your boyfriend. It may be an issue you legitimately have with him and his methods of discipline or it may be an issue you have with your own past, as you mentioned. It would seem to be important to figure that out and have a good long heart to heart with your boyfriend on the subject, coming to an understanding that you’re both comfortable with. And be prepared to listen to his side of things without rushing on mama-autopilot to your child’s defense.
And I think hh brought up a good point. As a stepparent, I used to sometimes tell my stepdaughter that whatever it was she did would remain between she and I as long as it didn’t happen again. I wasn’t undermining her father, but rather using that as a way to bond with her. I would, in fact, tell her father about whatever it was, but also let him know our agreement and ask him to let it be as long as it didn’t escalate and he did respect that.
You also need to see this from your boyfriend’s perspective. A child went after his child with a hammer that could have seriously hurt her. He has protective instincts, too. If they were all his biological children, he would likely have done the same thing. You protect your children, no matter who it is you see as a threat.
No it isn’t. That’s legally what it is. If you go around hitting other people’s children, that’s criminal assault and battery.