Boyfriend spanked my son without my permission. Advice on how to chew him out most effectively?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

You can have all the informal, head nodded understandings you want, but if three years later that kid is going after other kids with a metal hammer someone needs to wade in and put a stop to that dangerous crap. The out of control behavior by her kid has (per the OP) been going on for some time. Now it’s getting dangerous, and she’s incensed her SO stepped in and punished him for it.

There’s are scenarios where corporal punishment makes sense, and that was it. That’s she’s more infuriated and concerned about her kid getting spanked than the very real prospect he could put some other kid’s eye out is telling.

22

That’s true, which is why it seems like it would be even more important for him to tell her about it right away so they could have a plan for what to do if her son acts out like that again. That he didn’t tell her makes me think he knew it was a big deal to her and was hoping she would just not find out, which is deceitful and childishly unrealistic.

23

There’s always going to be a “my kid/you kid” dynamic in this situation because the situations are different. Unfortunately, because the father isn’t in the picture where his kids’ mom is, the OP will inherently have lesser authority over his kids than he will have over her son. Further, as others have said, the kid is six and you’ve been living together for 3 years with the biological father out of the picture, he inherently fills a much larger role.

Part of the problem is a respect and boundaries issue, but I think that’s sort of outside the scope here and those sorts of problems arise in some form or another in many relationships. You two need to discuss those, express your feelings, and work on them, and I don’t really have a whole lot of advice there. The problem I can give some thoughts on though is the discipline one.

Considering that he’s essentially filling the role of the father, you two need to sit down and discuss and come to complete agreement on how you’re going to discipline him. Obviously, as the mother, you get the final say, but it’s important that that sort of disagreement happens behind closed doors so he can get a consistent level of discipline. If spanking is something you’ll consider using, it’s not the sort of thing that can occur hours later, it needs to be reasonably close to the misbehavior or it is worthless. Either way, he needs to have a clear guideline of what sorts of punishments are appropriate for what sorts of behavior, so he can enact it as it’s appropriate, but he should also be absolutely straightforward and forthcoming at the end of the day and tell you what happened and how he handled it, so you know and can potentially adjust the guidelines.

This goes two ways though, as essentially a step-parent to his kids, being unwilling to do any sort of discipline for his kids probably isn’t the best idea. You need to talk to him about how you should handle it, but it’s going to be a lot more complicated because it needs to also be consistent with how their mom wants them disciplined. And, as you’re not filling that full-time mom role like he is the dad role for your son, chances are, your powers of discipline are, and ought to be, less.

All of this will, of course, result in some conflicts as your son will likely claim favoritism when he sees that they’re being treated differently, and you’ll have to find a way to explain it to him in a way he’ll understand, and I don’t really have a good suggestion there, I just think that failing to have consistent discipline will ultimately do more longterm harm than failing to have a satisfactory explanation for it.

That all said, I think it will be a lot easier for both of you in avoiding those sorts of situations if neither of you uses corporal punishment. I think it’ll be easier for all the kids to not get pulled in the the favoritsm problem if you don’t use that, since it’s a lot easier to put someone else’s kid in timeout or make them clean stuff up than it is to spank them.

24

Your prepared statement would make me move out. Not that you don’t have a right to your feelings but you have to acknowledge (as others have said) that he is the default parent in this situation and he did what he thought was right. If he has to have all of his actions regarding your son reviewed by you beforehand, then he needs to move out now. He has to worry about his daughters getting hit with hammers and, on top of that, he has to worry that you will always back the kid up and never him. I speak from experience. Nothing sucks like trying to discipline an unruly child and then having to “discuss” it later, like two bad kids in the principals office, when the real boss gets home.

You clearly don’t like spanking, understood. I’m not sure you have made him understand how important that is to you. Does he spank his kids? In any case, it is important enough to discuss as far as the future goes and that would be the time to lay down the law as you want it. I would suggest letting go of some of the baggage on this one.

25

Yes, he absolutely should have told her as soon as she got home.

26

So you want your boyfriend to be your boyfriend but not a father.

That’s fine, but be prepared to live by rules

This means

No financial support for him. That mean you should pay extra for your son’s care.

When you go out you hire a babysitter to watch your kid.

You don’t expect him to pick up the kid, cook for the kid or anything.

See you want him to be a father to your son, when it’s CONVENIENT for you

You don’t get it both ways. If spanking is his style and not yours, break up with the guy.

I am assuming your child’s father pays support in terms of money. If not you should get that and use that to accommodate a babysitter for when you leave

You boyfriend can’t be a father only when it suits you. It isn’t good for the relationship and shows that you have no respect or trust for his abilities as father.

Now you may be right, he may not be good for your child. In that case you need to start packing and leave tomorrow.

If you want him to just be your boyfriend, fine, but then do not expect any support from him in terms of money, of watching this kid or any help with his problems.

You want everything your way, you can’t have it and him too.

Like I said, this isn’t a rap against you. If you believe your way is best, then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. First step is moving out into your own flat, and taking responsiblity for yourself and son. Then you can go back to dating him until you both agree on a similar parenting style or if not, just continue your relationship from two households

27

Maybe you need to spank him.

28

Markxxx, I can’t agree with your post. (I was going to quote it bit by bit, but that’s unnecessary.)

We’re not talking about parent/not parent, or a parenting “style”, we’re talking about (so far) an isolated incident. No one has to take their ball and go home yet.

29

I missed this the first time through. You must have been a step parent at some time. This is the part that sucks and nobody ever tells you about.

30

Maybe, but I think his overall point was on target. If there’s not going to be any spanking ever, under any circumstances, regardless of whatever out of control, dangerous nonsense the kid is up to, that’s going to be a deal breaker for a lot of people. If time outs, and “I’m disappointed” guilt trips haven’t worked, and a six year old (who should know better) is now going after other kids with dangerous weapons there needs to be a strategic re-evaluation of her discipline methodology. No recognition of this is even on the radar screen in the OP. “He spanked my snowflake” is the overriding focus and concern of the OP.

31

Good lord the OP is a melodramatic drama queen. “Oh my! Swoon! In 3 years the father to my 6 year old son has spanked him once after the boy hit someone with a hammer. I simply can NOT trust him with my son ever again.” :rolleyes:

32

If you had a philosophical or moral objection to spanking, that would be one thing and of course he shouldn’t spank your son in that circumstance. But you don’t - in that first conversation you talk about some of the behavior warranting corporal punshment and ushering it in and not feeling comfortable with him spanking. That’s a different issue. What you are saying is that you have no general objection to spanking, and you consider it an option open to you - but only to you. I’m not involved and I’m wondering why you feel comfortable having him live with you and your child ,comfortable leaving your child with him while you work, comfortable with him having a big presence etc, but uncomfortable with him using a method of discipline you consider an option for yourself.

Someone said if there is never going to be any spanking under any circumstances that is going to be a deal breaker for a lot of people , and that's true. Spanking is OK for you , but not him is going to be a dealbreaker for even more people.
33

See, and I feel like everyone going, “He hit her with a METAL HAMMER! Of course he got spanked,” are being overly dramatic. The hammer was described as a metal toy, not a framing tool. I’m picturing a plastic hammer that’s been chromed, something lightweight that’s not going to do any damage unless he does stick it in someone’s eye. But honestly, neither of us know where on the scale this thing lies, so let’s step back from the edge on that one until the OP fills in some details.

It sounds to me - a total stranger on the internet - like her 3 year old is going through a hitting stage. Most kids do. Plenty of parents feel that hitting someone to teach them that hitting is wrong is, well, not the way to go about it. I’d say this is one thing that they need to be in agreement about, on one side or the other, not just something either of them needs to go ahead on without consulting the other. I can totally understand being upset that a) he hit her kid without that being an okay method of correction they’re agreed on and b) he didn’t tell her about it after. In fact, I can’t imagine how that can be anything but a big deal. But hey, not my relationship, not my kids.

34

This is the problem when “blending” families without any formality. You want to pretend that everything is all cozy and good but you’re not a family, you’re not co-parenting, because if you were, there would be a disciplinary structure in the household, carried out in concert by the parents and enforced with all the children. And that’s the choice you made by being all loosy-goosy about maybe there’d be spanking, but maybe not, and tabling the matter to be revisited later while leaving this person in charge of the children on his own.

So what’s it come down to? He’s not the dad, so he doesn’t touch the kid. This is not rocket science. This was not necessary to protect his daughter, the deed was done. This was done as punishment. You don’t like it. You have to choose, so you take your kid and you go. And next time you think twice about creating an arrangement like this that’s bad for you, and more importantly, bad for the children, because there’s no consistency and no damned common sense.

35

Her 3 year old is a 6 year old.

But you’re right in that this really isn’t an earth shattering thing. Little boy hit someone, little boy likely got a swat and mommy only found out hours later after everything was said and done. That said, the OP needs get her head straight about what this man is to her and her child. Transient boyfriend or husband/father figure?

36

You might have missed this, but the OP’s son is 6 years old - that’s quite a difference IMHO.

ETA: Curses, ninja’d by Grey!

37

The boy who did the hitting is six. I don’t think we need to get all hyperbolic about a metal toy hammer, but it does need to be kept in mind when considering the de facto father’s actions. This wasn’t two kids having a slapfight; the little boy hit someone with something that could legitimately hurt them, at an age when he could legitimately know better.

Is anyone else having flashbacks to a thread from a month or two ago about a guy whose girlfriend wouldn’t discipline her out-of-control child?

38

OP is overreacting. Markxxx hit this one on the head with his post. If you can’t deal with a little discipline of your precious little tyke, then you need to be prepared to never leave him in the responsbility of anyone else, ever.

39

Nope - I screwed up the quote. :slight_smile:
Maybe a Mod will straighten things out

40

You’re right, I did miss that and it does make a difference. But the difference would be that the kid is more likely to respond to other punishments aside from spanking, not less. But that’s not my point (aside from saying that picking up a toy and hitting a sibling with it - even a toy hammer - is different from picking up an adult tool; one is still common and not that physically dangerous, even at six, and the other may be cause to get the kid some real outside help). My point is that not spanking does not equal not disciplining, and both parents need to be on the same page about that very specifically before kids start getting hit, not after, and I can understand why she’s upset.

So, if you don’t want your kids spanked, you should never leave them in the care of anyone else. Got it.