So I just don’t have it in me to think up a witty (or even descriptive) thread title. Sorry.
I’m crossposting this from my LJ (I love Family Gatherings!) because I really want some help with this and I don’t think I’ll get as much feedback over there.
The short version is thus: That Guy’s (my son’s father) family did some things this weekend (specifically feeding my child ice cubes after I’d left the room even though I’d already asked them (repeatedly) not to) that really pissed me off. I don’t particularily like some of these people anyway, like his sister who gave me dirty looks when I told her that, no, I wasn’t going to let my son “suck on a turkey bone” during Xmas dinner. Chances are, knowing what I know now, he got that turkey bone anyway when I took her kids outside to build a snowman.
I don’t want them to see him again unless I’m there. A part of me thinks that maybe this is a bit unreasonable. Another part of me say, “Hey, this is your kid. Nothing is unreasonable.”
I’m really upset by the whole thing. I was really, really pissed off about it before I’d thought about it. But now I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to keep Alex from his family but they just won’t listen to me!
On the one hand, when it comes to your kids, you do in fact get to set the rules, and you are free to be unreasonable. If you specifically communicate to someone that they are not to do something with your children and they do it anyway, then they are being fundamentally disrespectful of you as a parent.
On the other hand, it sounds like you may be overreacting a bit. I don’t know the age of your son, but feeding a child ice cubes with multiple adults around doesn’t sound dangerous (I don’t recall doing it with my kids, now 4 and 5, but I don’t know that I would have objected).
I’m guessing here – are you and your child’s father no longer together? If so, are you letting your feelings of unhappiness with the father color your relations with your son’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?
Only you know for sure. If your feelings of anger are legitimate, then I would encourage you to discuss them with the people who are making you angry.
And remember that the important one here is your son. If you don’t feel comfortable with him being alone with someone, and you’ve examined those feelings and found them to be reasonable… then don’t let him be alone with those people.
Alex is 11 months old. I don’t think that any child that young needs to have ice cubes in his mouth, especially considering that none of them would even know what to do if he did choke. (I know this because I’ve had to explain to That Guy’s mother how to properly dislodge things from a small child’s airway, and not one of them is certified in anything.)
That Guy and I are not romantically involved. We share a living space and a son, but not much else. My feelings toward his family have nothing to do with him. The biggest reason I don’t like them is because That Guy’s neice and nephew (ages 10 and 11 respectively) are almost completely illiterate yet I’ve never seen their mom (or dad, or a grandparent) help them study for a spelling test or read a book to them. They all know that these kids can’t read/write/do anything they’re supposed to be able to do, yet none of them do anything about it. There are a million other reasons, some of them bigger than others, which I won’t go into here. But I assure you, I’m not just bitter.
And it wasn’t just ice cubes but croutons and onion rings and a thousand other things he didn’t need to have shoved in his face. And I was (very politely, at first) objecting the whole time. He had food that I got for him. Maybe I am overreacting but, you know what? I’m the mom here. There’s a woman on this board (sorry, I don’t remember who) who doesn’t want her kid watching Disney movies. Sure, it might sound silly, but she’s the mom. And if her kids were at my house, guess what? We wouldn’t watch Disney movies. Period. I wouldn’t argue with her about it or question her decision as a mother. I would respect her wishes and find something else to watch.
My point is, it’s not so much the ice cubes as the blatant disregard for my feelings and my requests. And this isn’t the first time something similar has happened (like the turkey bones at Xmas, or the jellybeans on Good Friday). I have talked to them. Every single time they do something even after I ask them not to, I’ve talked to them. “You know what? I don’t want him having <such and such>” or “I don’t want him doing <such and such>” or “Hey, don’t smoke and hold him at the same damn time!” and they don’t care. This is how they raised their own kids so they think everyone else must do the same things.
I hope this post doesn’t sound too bitchy (I’m in a mood), I just wanted to clarify some things.
Ask yourself why you make the request. If it’s a good enough reason, then no violations are acceptable. I have an 11 month old, and would gladly tear a new one for anyone who gave him ice to chew.
The disregard for your feelings/requests shouldn’t even enter into the equation, IMO. That turns the issue into one of mommy power when this is really about the safety of your baby.
your kid, your rules. I battle(d) this constantly with my in-laws and Chinese relatives. It’s irresponsible on their part. Relatives can say their opinion and I’ll even listen, but it’s not a democracy and what my wife and I say are the way it has to be. If they can’t follow the rules, then they don’t get to be part of my daughter’s life. That’s just the way it is. My daughter is too precious for some fucktard who thinks they know better to do whatever they want.
Most of the things I don’t like him having are things that are potentially dangerous to him (jellybeans, smoke blown right in his face, etc). The problem is they don’t think it’s all that bad. Their kids ate jellybeans and they’re fine! So yeah, even if they don’t think it’s all the bad (like watching Disney movies) they could, at the very least, not do it based on respect for me, which they are quite obviously lacking.
Huh, just “clarifying” some more. I sure am having a hard time getting my thoughts across tonight.
:rolleyes: I think I should probably just go to bed now.
I had a very long and detailed post typed out with examples of similar idiocies I’ve had to endure from well-meaning, although ignorant, relatives.
I decided against posting it because it upsets my husband when I speak ill of his parents, plus I made myself livid all over again by reliving it.
I think the bottom line is stick to your guns. Don’t be afraid to withhold access to your child from people who are obviously a danger to themselves and others. As long as you and the child’s father agree on what’s best for your child, you are not obligated to turn him over to savages. People shape up real fast when they think they won’t get to see their grandchildren.
I’ve been through this with the in-laws. Fortunately, at 20 months, Aaron is completely weaned and developing preferences so it’s not as much of an issue.
Essentially, my rule was that Aaron was not to be fed anything I didn’t give him. My MiL pretty much respected that. However, at a party, he was once fed brownies with nuts before he had sufficient teeth to chew them. I diplomatically moved the plate away from right in front of him and to my other side where no one could reach it. Fortunately, Aaron doesn’t have food allergies, so we don’t have to worry about that anymore. Still, there are some things that aren’t a good idea.
At the same time, I wouldn’t isolate Alex from his family. I would simply keep a very close eye on him and don’t let him leave your sight.
I concur. We have chronic problems with certain family members. If the issue is a relatively small one – something in the order of me saying, “Before you go, put on your coat,” and the relative saying, “Oh, they don’t need a coat,” I consider caving. If the issue concerns my kid’s safety, we don’t negotiate. The problem becomes major when I’m not there, because then I can’t object.
I do have a tough time, though, with close relatives. We have some very close relatives who seem basically sane but do dumb, dumb things. I’ve tried talking to them and have taken access away to the kids for a period of time. It’s not easy. I don’t want to block a relationship between them and the kids, but they make stupid and potentially harmful decisions. I’m having a hard time figuring out how much exposure to these relatives is okay, and whether they should even be allowed to have the kids solo again.