My wife is out of town so my dad and step mom invite me and my 7 year old girl and 4 year old son out to dinner. Great! We go to a little family style Italian joint not far away. Cheap. Good food. I don’t have to cook.
We get a booth. It is a small booth so 3 on a side is tight. We opt for a booster/high chair for the four year old. He doesn’t need a high chair, but it got us a little more room in the booth. I tell my seven year old to get in and I will get in after her, allowing my dad and his wife to sit together opposite us.
My daughter starts pouting and whining that she wants to sit by Gramma. I don’t have a problem with that at all. But what I do have a problem with is her pouting and whining. We have been working on this lately, and we do not reward her for this behavior. So I said she would have to sit where she was. If she had figured out that her attitude was keeping her from getting what she wanted and corrected that, she could have sat wherever she wanted. My step mother said, “Oh I don’t mind if she wants to sit with me” and gets up and comes over to me. If I had resisted, it would have changed the whole tenor of the dinner. I traded my seat with her and my daughter got what she wanted. I was a little steamed.
Then when the check came they brought those little red and white starlite mints. You know, hard candy. My step mom handed one to my 4 year old son and I said he couldn’t have it because he may choke on it. She said, “He’s four years old, he can have a piece of candy.” I put my foot down and said he couldn’t.
This is not a pattern. I am willing to chalk this up to bad decisions on my step mom’s part. I can’t remember her ever challenging me in front of the kids before.
But am I being overprotective to not want my 4 year old to have hard candy? Am I out of touch here? Of course I realize I make the decisions as to what he eats or not, but am I out of sync here?
Yes, you’re being overprotective if you don’t allow your 4 year-old to have a piece of candy because he might choke on it. He could potentially choke on any piece of food he puts in his mouth, but I assume you don’t feed him intravenously.
ETA: But your step-mother has no business second-guessing or overruling your parenting decisions. She was completely out of line to indulge your daughter over the seating and when you did say no to the candy she should have dropped the subject immediately.
I don’t mind candy that isn’t hard. It jsut seems that hard candy that is slick and that you keep in your mouth for a long time is asking for trouble…makes me nervous.
You know your kiddo and his eating habits best. Some kids take longer to get the hang of some foods. Have a talk with your dad and stepmother, explain that for furture reference, when your daughter pouts to try to get her way they will be expected to not give in to her and to help teach her that such behavior will not get her what she wants. They might not have thought of it that way. Explain that if they keep undermining your parental authority, they will give away their ability to see your children. Their choice, don’t undermine your parental authority and see the grandkids, or do so and not be able to.
As far as the hard candy - you may be overprotective, you may not be. Some kids are choke-y and have trouble with stuff like that. I have a 4.5 year old and he’s been eating hard candy for a while - a year? Year and a half? He does fine with it. My friend’s son, on the other hand, is a choker. He’s the same age as my son and he does have issues with hard stuff, so he’s more restricted. You know your kid and even if you are being overprotective, your word rules anyone else’s.
Your step-mom should not have given in, but probably didn’t think of it that way. So, the private talk with them on how you and your wife are working on that behavior with your daughter and how they can help you as you help your daughter learn a different behavior.
As far as the hard candy goes…I completely understand, especially if you all were about to leave and get in the car where you may not recognize him choking if you were driving and he was in the back seat.
My suggestion on that…
Break the candy into smaller pieces so that the chances are not as high that it could get lodged in his windpipe…that way he gets to enjoy the candy like his sister does.
Also use it as a teaching opportunity for both of your kids to make sure they know the universal sign for choking .
So, yeah, he’s old enough, probably, assuming he has a normal palate and swallowing reflexes, to start enjoying an occasional hard candy, but under supervision and only when you’re feeling up to watching him closely.
And, regardless of what anyone else says about it, you’re his dad and you get to say whether or not he gets candy. Period.
Hard candies are bad for the teeth, as the sugar stays on the child’s teeth for quite a while. I didn’t allow them with my oldest until he was 6, and only then because of sensory issues, when his occupational therapist suggested it, and even then, only sugar-free.
In my opinion, nobody gets to overrule the parent. If I say no pop, then adoring relatives don’t get to give my kids a Coke. If I say no candy, they don’t get to slip them peppermints or Hershey Kisses. I tell all grandparents that if they want load my kids up on sugar and caffeine, they can spend the night with them.
What everybody else said. Parent = Boss. Unless said parent is being abusive. Saying “no” in the situation described is not abuse.
My MIL learned the hard way (almost the tragic way) when my older daughter was not yet 4 years old. MIL wanted to give her a caramel. I said no. Behind my back she gave it to her anyway. Kiddo tried to eat it fast so Mom wouldn’t notice. A few seconds later she was choking in the worst possible way. Absolutely no air could get in or out. Fortunately my husband was able to extricate the sticky thing from her throat before she passed out, but she was by then as white as a sheet, and stayed that way for hours. MIL caught it good, from both of us, as (1) she ignored our orders and (2) dam near killed her grandchild.
I also had a problem when my younger daughter was very, very young. She was getting mysterious rashes and other symptoms. The doctor wanted to eliminate possible food reactions, so she was to avoid corn, wheat, cows’ milk products, and a list of other items I forget. Of course, virtually all candy is made from corn syrup and og knows what other dyes and stuff, so lollipops and the like were out of the question. Salespeople and bank tellers would hand her lollipops, and then I’d have to be the baddie and take them away again. They all got lectures about asking parents first.
This is a thing that drives me fucking crazy about being a parent. If I say my child is not allowed to have candy or whatever, that means don’t give the child any fucking candy. I hate it when people smile in that patronizing way and say, “Oh, a little candy won’t hurt” and then proceed to go against my explicitly-stated wishes. It’s not your fucking child. Christ, I get pissed off.
ETA–Oh, yeah, so what I meant to say was that hard candy or no is a judgment call at that age, IMO, but anybody who contravenes your express wishes on something like that is way out of line.
I had a cousin who, at 12, died from a piece of hard candy lodged in his throat. He happened to be in a car accident, and which time the candy got stuck. I don’t know the specific details, but it turned out he wasn’t seriously hurt in the accident. The emergency personnel on the scene missed the candy - who’d even think about that at a car crash scene??
Anyway, you just never know - a piece of candy, a nut, chewing gum - the whole parenting thing is a challenge in so many ways. But I do agree that barring obvious stupidity or neglect, parents get the last word. Period. Remind me I said that when I’ve got grandkids…
That’s why I always ask the parent first before I give a child a treat. When my nieces and nephews visit and ask if they can have something other than water, I tell them to check with their Mommy first.
One mother I know is raising her son on organics and vegan-type food, to the point that at a birthday party, he was not allowed to have any cake, but instead was given a carton of organic yogurt. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but he’s not my child.
I do know that I grew up not having Cocoa Pebbles and Cap’n Crunch cereals for breakfast, so I do not have a taste for sugary cereals. Golden Grahams is about as sweet as I will go.
Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. He’s your kid.
I was quite pleased at a recent doctor’s appointment to see the question “Is it okay with you if the doctor offers your child a sucker at the end of the appointment? Y/N” at the end of the intake form.
I marked yes. But my 14 year old wasn’t offered a sucker.
Yeah, that can go either way. I was raised with no cereal but oatmeal or homemade granola, and heavy whole wheat bread (made from wheat my mother bought whole and ground herself, no shit!) and I *love *the sugary cereals and Wonder bread. :rolleyes:
I agree with the people who’sve posted that the parent’s word is/should be final.
I’m not trying to defend your step-mom’s choice, I just want to share my take. To me it seems possible, or even likely, that her motive was not “I want to usurp newcrasher’s authority as a parent” but rather “I like nice peaceful meals and if Crashlette is unhappy we’ll all be unhappy”
As for the candy, even if step-mom believes that you are being overprotective, she absolutely should have respected your choice to keep that from your 4yo. But if it isn’t a pattern, blowing off the resultant steam here should be all that’s needed to address it.
For all we know she’s on a grandparents’ message board right now regretting her actions.
Parents words should be final. But one needs to pick one’s battles with Grandma and Grandpa - just as one picks them with the four year old. My kids picked up coffee from my mother at eighteen months (‘what, I only let them sip my mocha’) and now I have eight and nine year old java junkies. Well, not really junkies, and not really coffee - milk and sugar with a splash of coffee - one cup on weekend days. Anyway, not worth hurting my mother - who in most respects has been a wonderful Grandmother and will spirit our children away for the weekend on occation so we can have grownup time. The compromise I’m willing to make is that if my mother lets them get away with a few things at her house that I won’t - well, she’s Grandma, that is what they are for - and its a small price to pay for as much babysitting and help (as well as love) as we’ve gotten from the deal.
I can’t tell you if hard candy is a compromise worth making for you or not. I can say that by four both my children could handle hard candy without issue and it never occurred to me not to let them have it - provided they were sitting (fairly) quietly and not running through the house with it like banshees on speed. And that when we have had it in the house its generally been in the “on the stick” format which is harder to swallow.
I’m completely on your side regarding appropriate behavior for kids and for their grandparents.
Your story about the results of whining reminded me of my Mom’s “Oh My Poor Ears” technique. In a situation like that, she’d say very sincerely to the whining (or crying or yelling) child “I’m sure Grandma would love to sit next to you, but can you ask in a nice voice so you don’t hurt her ears? See, her ears are turning red already because that noise is hurting them.”
(Added bonus that toddlers usually pause yelling to look suspiciously at Grandma’s ears. Older kids won’t believe that detail but they may point out in a normal voice that Grandma’s ears don’t look any different.)
