My question to parents is this:
What do you let your child do, simply because you weren’t allowed to do it as a kid?
For example you may not give your child a bedtime or curfew, 'cause you had one. Or you may NOT give him an allowence, 'cause you had one and you thought it spoiled you.
Or whatever
Act like a kid.
Every day, I see her doing something that my gut tells me “Tell her to stop doing that!”. Then I run through a quick checklist:
–Was doing that fun when you were three?
–Is she putting herself in danger?
–Is she causing any damage to any possession of yours or anyone else’s?
–Is she being annoying to anyone other than you?
If the first one is a “yes” and the others are “no”, then hell with it – you have fun tearing-ass around the house yelling, kiddo.
I let 9YO mudgirl have pets that I, personally, do not like.
When I was a kid, no animal my mother did not approve of lived in our house. We were not allowed to have cats, gerbils, guinea pigs, hamsters, mice or rats, because she didn’t “like” them.
Well, you know what? My kid has three snakes and a tarantula. I don’t like them, but the deal is, I don’t take care of them. Of course, she also has two dwarf hamsters, and we have two cats, but I like them and don’t mind taking care of them.
This extends to her doing things I don’t particularly care to do. As a kid, we never did anything Mom didn’t want to do (she had control issues, can you tell?) Now, my kid roller skates, bowls, rides a skateboard, rides a bicycle, all kinds of stuff I don’t find appealing. But she likes them, and I don’t see any reason to stop her just because it’s not my idea of a good time. OK, so I get to sit in the skating rink for two hours, reading a book, making a shopping list, clipping coupons, etc. while my husband and my daughter skate. So? It’s not like the world revolves around me.
Also, pretty much what Hal said. Long, long ago, I read some advice in a magazine: if your kid asks permission to do something, unless you have a valid reason for saying no, say yes. I’ve pretty much taken that to heart, and I think I’ve had happier kids because of it.
My daughter was a brownie scout because my dad couldn’t be bothered to take me and pick me up from the meetings and he didn’t let my mom drive. (This was in the 60’s and 70’s.)
My daughter plays the violin in the school orchestra because I always wanted to join the band and my dad wouldn’t let me. He told me the piano was my instrument and I couldn’t carry the piano around and march.
My daughter had braces in second and third grade because her teeth were crooked and she needed them. My dad wouldn’t let me have braces…too cheap, I guess. I had a huge overbite and the kids all teased me.
Could I possibly use therapy today? Probably. I sweat it out in the yoga room.
I don’t have kids yet, but when I do, I plan to do pretty much everything exactly opposite the way my parents did it. Based on the results with me, it has to work.
Cry loudly over stuff that seems silly to me.
Bedtime is a big one. We have a rather loose bedtime of 9:30 for our 10 year old during the school year. We’ve never been strict about it because my mom would try to send us off before 8 pm, even in the summer and there would be kids at our bedroom window asking us to come play. We’d fight it and fight it and it would take us HOURS to get to sleep, we’d be in and out of bed all night and my stupid mother would never get that she was doing herself no favors.
My kid asks if I want him to go to bed, I say yes if he wants and that’s it.
We also allow him to ask for stuff without fear of the response, “What am I, made of money?” Yeah, mom, you’re made of $2.50.
I had this discussion with my kids today.
My mother picked out my clothes until I was 18. She had old lady tastes ( tasteful, but old ladyish) her whole life. My brothers all let her pick out their clothing until the end. I swear to God. You know what it is like to have a 30 year old white man dressed in a knock off Cliff Huxtable sweater? It was embarrassing.
My husband once, kindly questioned me “Why do your brothers dress…uh…?”
" Like old men?"
" Yes."
“Because my mom picks out their clothing, still.” (They were in their late thirties, early forties by this point. It was really pathetic. It was like they were adult retards, or something.)
He was floored.
I let my daughter pick out her clothing and she has really a great sense of fashion and style. She is aware of my No SKANKwear clothing, as she is 9.
Off topic but my mom picked my clothes for me for way too long. I think I was 15 when I looked down and realized I was wearing wide-wale corderoy flares and a matching cowboy shirt with fake mother of pearl buttons. The scales fell from my eyes and I think I might have screamed. Totally clueless until then.
I let my child pee whenever he needs to and will happily pull over at a moment’s notice if he says he needs to go. When I was little, I have these horrific memories of long summer vacations. We drove everywhere because my mom was terrified of flying. My mom was also a little skittish about driving and had very rigidly-planned routes. Any deviation from planned stops was unacceptable, and we were only allowed to stop once every two to three hours, max. So, if ever I had to pee between one of the planned stops, I’d just have to hold it, even if it was another 2.5 hours away. My sister also liked to sit next to me, whispering, “Aren’t you thirsty? Can’t you just feel the water drip-drip-dripping down your throat? Can you hear that waterfall?”
One thing I rarely do that my mom did often was use a stroller. I don’t think they’re inherently bad, but I only have one kid to tote around and would rather he walked. Plus, there are two of us parents to one kid (for now, anyway). My mom was an outnumbered single parent, and my sister and I were 13 months apart, so I can understand why she used strollers for so long - easier to keep us in one spot.
Have pets.
Walk away from food on their plate if they are full. I refuse to make them clean their plate. Wasting food is not a sin with me…unless it’s steak.
Wear mini skirts. (okay, not my son)
Dye their hair.
Lots of orange juice and bacon: What did you lack in your childhood, that you now savor? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
Reject certain foods w/o being punished.
I certainly care about what my children eat, and limit or even forbid certain things based on nutritional value, and I encourage them to eat certain things which may not be their favorite things, but by God, no child of MINE will EVER be forced to gag down liver or sit in front of a cold plate of brussel sprouts for 2 hrs (and then be forced to eat them out of the 'fridge in the morning or be spanked.) :mad: I said it THEN, as said kid, and I still say it now.
Not a lot else I can think of, since MOST of the rules I had as a kid were reasonable, even lenient.
I think a lot of parents of our generation feel the same way about not making kids clear their plates or eat gross food. I know I had to tell my father we do not make our son clear his plate. My dad was kind of shocked and tried to make the issue about not taking more than you can eat.
As for the gross foods: the fact that there’s not a selection of liver in the grocery store anymore says it all.
I also totally agree with the picking out of clothing and the reasonable bedtimes.
My 9 yr old has a bedtime of 9-9:30 during school. Summer? I try to get her to go down by 10, but not always… I recall being put to bed at 8 pm (and know people with kids my DD’s age who enforce a 7pm bedtime, even in summer! And you know what? There is no doubt in my mind that they do it more to have some “alone” time in the evenings than because their child “needs” it. :dubious:)
My DD is VERY particular about how she dresses herself, and so WHAT if she sometimes goes out the door looking a bit like a tiny Janis Joplin? If it is seasonally appropriate (i.e. she won’t roast or freeze and be unable to work her layers to remedy the situation) WHO CARES? (besides my sis-in-law, who can STICK her opinion, in MY opinion :p)
Leave the closet at night.
Use the toilet.
Eat people food.
I really hope you’re kidding (but I shudder to think you might not be…my DH had an adopted cousin who was rescued from his biological parents at 18 mths old…from a closet, severely malnourished. He is still, at 45, mildly retarded as a result of nutritional and interpersonal deprevation.) :(:mad:
No kids yet, but…
My mother was way too preoccupied with my appearance. As a teenager in the '80s, I wanted to grow my hair long and wear Iron Maiden or Ozzy t-shirts and jeans with huge holes in them… no go. Mom was too worried about what others would think.
My kids will look however they want. If other people don’t like it, fuck 'em.
I let my kids NOT go to church, though they can if they want to. I’ll drop them off.
I let my daughter dye her hair and choose her own clothes. When she dyed her pale, waist-length hair black, my mother threw such a crying tantrum I feared for her sanity.
I let my daughter decide if she wants to stay home from school, and she doesn’t abuse the power. (I haven’t yet given my son this option).
I let them go pretty much where they want to, and spend the night at other people’s houses. (Yay cell phones!)
School activities.
I was never allowed to try out for the band, the football, team, drama club, …nothing that required me to spend a minute extra after school.
My kids were allowed freedom to sign up for and try anything they wanted.