My little one is just a couple of months shy of turning 2 and is a total joy to be around. I know I’ve made my share of parenting mistakes, but I feel like there are a few things I’ve done that have been absolutely right and I should totally be able to brag about those things. So you should come in and brag about that awesome things you’ve done as a parent too!
As for me, the most important one is offering choices. I can stop a tantrum in moments by saying, “You can do X or you can do Y. Which do you choose?” She immediately stops crying, chooses the option she likes best, and goes on about her business like nothing was ever wrong. It feels like a parenting super power!
We also only talk about food in positive terms. Food is always delicious or good for you or whatever, never bad for you or fattening or anything like that. This is difficult for my MIL because she loves to sit down in front of a huge dinner or decadent dessert and declare that she is being “sooo bad” and that she “really shouldn’t eat all of this” and then plow through it like she hasn’t eaten in years and we’ve been very clear that this isn’t allowed around our toddler. It has been difficult for me too, since that means I can’t wrinkle my nose and say something is gross if I don’t want to eat it! But it has been such a good decision because my daughter will eat anything I put in front of her. Occasionally she makes a face and licks something to determine if she will like it, but by and large she will try everything you put in front of her.
Your turn! What have you done as a parent that have worked out perfectly for you and your kids?
The graduate degree of “choices”: Learning what was my problem to solve (keeping them alive and safe, providing supplies, food and a place to sleep) and what was their problem to solve (doing homework, putting laundry in the hamper, making choices about how much to eat, when to sleep…and pretty much every other problem in a kid’s life) and only solving my problems.
I’m always available for consultation and assistance in problem solving, but they’ve got to take responsibility for making the ultimate choices and actions to solve their problems. Has literally eliminated argument and rebellion, while making my life a whole lot easier, not trying to control actions that aren’t mine.
I learned it by reading this book, which is the only parenting book I’ve ever read worth a damn (and I’ve read a lot of parenting books): Parenting with Love and Logic
Teaching the kids that “fair” is everyone getting what they need, not everyone getting the same. Eliminates so many arguments why one child gets something but the other doesn’t (or gets omething different).
No fighting about food but they mut have excellent manners. You don’t have eat something, but you cannot say yuck or gross. Choose something you want to eat at the table and have something nutritious later. The result is my kids don’t fear food and are very adventurous, since they know they won’t be forced to eat it. And they are respectful at the table.
Pbbth, your little girl is soooo well behaved and a joy to be around . And that is coming from someone who generally doesn’t really like kids all that much. You and your husband are doing something really right.
I taught my kid to speak her mind when she needs to. I also taught her to demand evidence before accepting exceptional claims and I am really proud of her that she has turned into this rational, logical kid. She is an extreme introvert, socially awkward, and a self proclaimed nerd, but if she is forced to speak out on something, she does so, with courage, even though she is uncomfortable. I am so proud of her courage, and most of all, I tried to teach her to not be easily offended, be able to take a joke, and not to be judgmental… She aced all of that. I’m really lucky.
After all that bragging, I feel compelled to admit my mistakes. I regret that I dropped the ball on her living a healthier lifestyle. She has gotten pretty chunky, and I know that is because of the example I have set. We are working on it now, but I regret that she has such a hard road to go now.
The food rule I use with my kids is “I decide what to eat and when, they decide if to eat and if so, how much”. Has worked pretty well for me, certainly removes a lot of stress around meals.
The choice thing is pretty good. You can choose A or B, but you have to choose one…
Moving back to the US from China so my kids can be normal instead of spending their childhood trying to get ahead. Also that my youngest on the autism spectrum can get the best support possible.
School was teaching for the test and he had lost all his enthusiasm for learning, and every morning was a fight to get him up and out the door.
One year of unschooling and he got his enthusiasm back.
It was frustrating at times but we had a lot of fun learning together.
The next year he decided he wanted to go back to school, but it was with a new attitude.
Everybody swore I was ruining his life by keeping him home but I think it was the best thing for him at the time.
On a more shallow (and maybe controversial) note, my kids were never offered a binky and they never slept with us. I realize binkies and sharing beds works for many parents, but an aunt advised me not to start something that I’d have to stop later. It made sense to me.
On the other side of the coin, I realized too late that I didn’t push them enough. I encouraged them but I should have done more. Two of them dropped out of school before graduating. One went on to get an AA degree and the other got his GED and has a great job now, but it would have been easier for them later if I’d been harder on them at the time. I was easy to make up for their dad being such a hard ass. The moral of that is for parents to be on the same page. We weren’t.
It’d be nice if two people could work all this out before babby is made, but that doesn’t always happen.
I have a son about the same age as OP’s daughter. While the ‘choice’ thing doesn’t work for us, and I’m jealous about that, I think our parenting success has been to teach him to clean up after himself. We’ll help him, but if he wants to move to the next activity he has to clean up first. He’s getting to the point where he does it himself or points out when we haven’t cleaned up after ourselves!
The choice thing doesn’t work for us, either. Our son is almost two and he saw through that first thing: Mama; “A or B?” Baby: “C!!!”. He doesn’t, at this stage, throw tantrums, but he doesn’t lose focus on what he really wants, either.
Our best decision was revamping everything so that my husband could quit his job and stay home. It is a huge indulgence, and not only do we have to live like churchmice to afford it, we had to live like churchmice for years before we even conceived to get into a position where we could afford it. But it’s wonderful, not for my son specifically, but for the family. I am sure he’d be fine in daycare, but I would be miserable with the chaos that would inflict on our lives. I love my job. I really need to be able to work HARD at my job, with lots of 12-hour days, and I couldn’t do that if I were restricted to a daycare schedule. I couldn’t work like that if the family then had to spend every minute of the weekend running errands and cleaning house. I couldn’t do my job the way I want to if every cold involved someone missing a day or more because the baby couldn’t go to daycare. Two working parents just seems really, really hard to me, and I think by opting for moderate poverty instead (and I know we were lucky to have that choice), we have enjoyed our son more.
When you label a food as bad or restrict it you increase the desire for it. If you treat certain foods as ‘special’ or as a ‘treat’ you increase the desire for it.
By treating all foods as equal it becomes ‘just food’ and eating becomes a practical decision as opposed to an emotional one.
OK, that makes sense. I was thinking if the kid doesn’t like broccoli, he’s not allowed to say so. He just has to grit his teeth and say “Tastes great Mom!!”
Not living in a suburban cul de sac. First house we lived in was in an old small town, with neighbors of different ages, now we live in a very small neighborhood, with neighbors of all ages. Because they didn’t have dozens of kids the same age to play with, they were forced to play with each other. It has made them good friends and I hope they stay close the rest of their lives.
I think it’s more than that: I mean, I don’t prefer chocolate cake to grilled vegetables simply out of social conditioning. I think it’s more that for many people, especially women, pleasure in eating is intrinsically linked to feelings of guilt and shame in a way that is honestly akin to a sexual kink. It’s not that being positive about all foods will decrease the desire for junk food, but that it will, at least, remove this complicated layer of emotion in the decision not to eat something that you would enjoy because it’s not the best choice at the moment.
I mean, a preference for sweets and fats is inherent. Infants prefer sugar water to anything. I don’t think you can hope to raise a child who finds no more pleasure in sweet, fatty foods than in lean, fiberous ones. But what one can hope for is a child (and later adult) who can make their food choices without a whole complicated emotional feedback loop of temptation-submission-pleasure-guilt-shame-atonement going on and complicating the process.
Being extremely strict about sleep times is paying dividends now that she’s 2.5. Come hell or high water, when we are at home bedtime is always 7:30 and she spends an hour in “quiet time” whether she falls asleep or not. She always falls asleep immediately at bedtime, and my husband and I get adult time together, then get a solid night’s sleep. She got her Big Girl Bed two weeks ago and it still hasn’t occurred to her to get out of it without permission.
I realize that co-sleeping or sleeping without a schedule is “right” for some families but man, it would have been wrong-wrong-wrong for us.
I wish I had been similarly regular about eating times.
My kids are teens, but the best decision I made was moving to the best school district I could afford.
I knew that because of birth complications that my younger child would need educational assistance. I did not occur to me that my older child would as well.
So, I researched the various school districts in my city and selected the three I liked best. Then I carefully studied the neighborhoods surrounding the districts I preferred. I stalked those neighborhoods until I found a house I could afford and bought it.
I know that sounds odd to some, but sometimes being a parent can make one act strangely. I knew I did not want to, or feel qualified to, home school and that the second child needed much, much more than I could offer.
During their school years, I have had one kid on each end of the special ed spectrum and both have been very successful.
In fact, my oldest child, whose educational issues were not on my radar at all early on, has really surprised me. She’s taken very aggressive advantage of the many programs available in the district. The only issue we have had is that were are the pretty close to the poorest folks (and we do OK!) in the district, so all her friends have bigger, better stuff- cars, houses, vacations- that make her feel a little bit class sensitive.
