There is a large amount of this type of response and while I appreciate it, I don’t understand it. What actions of mine are telling my boyfriend that he is a second class citizen? I tell him I’m not comfortable with him spanking my son. He says ok. We therefore have an understanding. Then, he spanks my son. And doesn’t tell me about it. I’m mad about that. If I had said “don’t give littledorky birthday cake, it makes his tummy hurt” and he said okay, but then he did anyway, and didn’t tell me, I’d be pissed about that too- regardless of whether he’s the kid’s actual day or would-be step dad or whatever. I would, however, be less pissed because we’re talking birthday cake, not physical discipline.
And I have made it abundantly clear that I would never discuss this with him in front of the kids. I didn’t offer my son any kind of sympathy for this. He’s still in trouble for hitting.
Because you implied? stated? I’m getting lost on the details, sorry … that YOU could spank your child. You said so in your OP, I believe. So YOU can dole out discipline, but not the father-figure, even when he’s solely in charge (you’d said you were at work when this all went down, right?). That’s where people are coming from.
Or, at least, that’s where I’m coming from. Y’all can speak for yourselves, and all that. But there’s my interpretation.
Yes she did:
“discipline” is not synonomous with spanking, and not saying “he shouldn’t be spanked” is not synonomous with giving permission to spank. It would be asinine to conclude that everyone who hasn’t explicitly told you not to hit their kid is implicitly givimg you permission to do it. As it stands, she told him explicitly that she wasn’t comfortable with him spanking her kid. That’s the end of it right there.
“belt” is a figure of speech for hitting. It does not imply the literal use of a belt. Surely you’ve heard it.
I think for me that it is the sentiment you expressed when you told him that you thought that your child would probably need to be spanked but that you weren’t sure if you would ever be comfortable with him doing that. That feeling is worth exploring in great detail.
Bottom line: is this guy a father to the boy or not? If not, why not?
That’s correct. That’s the way it works. Parents can spank their kids but that doesn’t mean anyone else can, not even boyfriends or babysitters. The lack of respect for parental rights in this thread is stunning.
You’re welcome to it but there’s really no point.
I think everyone picked up on the “my kid” “his kids” thing as meaning more than you may have intended.
He’s not just someone else. He’s effectively acting as the child’s other parent. He’s living with the child and the child’s mother. Would you say to your spouse that you reserved the right spank your child but they did not?
prettydorky, you do not have to answer this. This is a bullying tactic. You are the legal parent. You have the legal right to decide who can and cannot spank your kid, and that’s the end of it. You do not need to let yourself get pulled into an overbearing dissection of the exact nature of the relationships in your household, or be browbeaten into saying your boyfriend is the boy’s “father,” and therefore you have no right to make the decisions about your child.
He’s not the boy’s legal parent. She is. The right to make those decisions belongs to her and her alone. Full stop.
You did not answer any of my questions? Why?
I contend that in this case your legal argument is morally meaningless. This man has been placed in the role of father by the mother. That being so, he should be able to make parenting decisions. It’s just that simple.
No, what is stunning is the fact that you can’t see that this man should have those rights.
The lack of respect for basic parenting 101 is equally stunning. Rule #1 for parenting children is CONSTISTENCY. You’re advocating that this kid should get punishment “A” for hitting another kid while mom is around, but gets punishment “B” for hitting another kid when stepdad/father-figure/boyfriend is around.
And yes, dorky, we ARE reading a lot into the “my kid” vs. “his kids” phrasing you used. All we have to go on are your words. You’re either blending into a family, or you aren’t. You seem to be trying to straddle some fence, with predictably blow-up-in-your-face results.
I’d thought teachers were allowed to discipline children. Maybe I’m out of the loop. Myself, I suggest she start paying him for watching her son.
I did answer your question. She has the right to decide because she is the legal parent. That is the answer to your question. No, it does not mean anything that he is her boyfriend or that he lives with them. That does not abrogate her parental rights.
Wrong. Her legal rights are her legal rights. It is inappropriate for people to tell her she doesn’t have a right to decide who can or cannot spank her kid.
Then she needs not to tell him that she can’t be with someone like him.
This is a perfect opportunity to discuss the boundaries and such in this non-traditional family arrangement. If you have an issue with his actions, then talk with him and set some ground rules that you can both agree upon. I do,n’t think one needs turn into an armageddon-level conflict. Why can’t it just be, “Honey, while I an understand why you may have felt the need to spank my child, especially given the circumstances of our arrangement and what transpired, I simply do not fell comfortable with it. I am not angry, but I do want us to make this perfectly clear, corporal punishment for my son is my decision and responsibility alone. Going forward can we agree to this?”
There is no blaming being cast about, it is not confrontational and therefore creating animosity, it is an attempt to work things out.
Sleeping with someone should give you the right to hit their kids?
A lot of people seem to be saying that she doesn’t have a right to set ground rules. Only he does.
I don’t think that you are getting is slick.
This question is not a bullying tactic, it is at the very heart of the issues that this thread raises. Namely, what is the role that is expected of the boyfriend here? Has be just been a glorified babysitter and dildo for the past 3 years or is he a part of a household. These things matter.
I do understand not that you are coming at this from a 100% letter of the law stance and not looking at the actual morality involved. I will keep this limitation in mind in future interactions with you.
The punishment can be deferred until later, and only the parent has the right to decide what the punishment will be.