I want to start trying to have a baby! I’m 5, my husband (of 2 years) is 26.
I’m ready, he’s not.
Any advice? How do I tell him how wonderful it will be to have a baby?
How do I show him that no one should wait until they “can afford it”?
if nothing else, what will slow down this case of baby fever that I have???!!!???
Anybody in the same boat as me??
I’m sorry, it must be a typo.
You’re 5 years old?
Relax, you’re 5, you have your whole life ahead of you. Go have some cookies and a glass of warm milk.
I think you should at least wait until you’re 8.
In the meantime, playing with Barbies should help.
(as I clasp my hand over my mouth as hard as I can so that co-workers can’t hear me laugh)
If that’s not a typo, I want to know where y’all got married.
Why, Ringo? Got someone in mind?
Heh. You and the baby can walk to school together! Heh.
Crap - y’all are from Alabama aren’t you?
I had no idea that Missouri was in western Kentucky.
My apologies to all our KY Dopers
Now, now folks. That was such an obvious typo.
In any case, if you really want kids, drop me a line… I can get you half of one by Saturday, and the other half by Tuesday when the truck gets in.
Well, it seems everyone’s beaten me to the Alabama jokes, so I’ll play the straight man, here. 
I am not in your shoes, Breezy, but I think that the first thing you need to figure out is whether your husband is really concerned about your financial situation, or if that is just the first in what could become a long list of reasons that he thinks you should wait:
We should wait until we can move to Idaho (that’s the best place to raise kids)!
We should wait until the dog dies (so that there are no jealousy issues)!
We should wait until our nation’s schools are up to par!
I applaud him for wanting to make sure that the two of you are financially ready to become parents (and I know nothing of your financial situation, so can’t give my opinion on whether or not his money concerns are reasonable, or if it seems like he won’t think you’re “ready” until you’ve got enough cash to buy Neverland Ranch). However, I suggest sitting him down for a good long talk about it, and really listening to him to figure out if it really is all about the money, or if it’s something more (like a more pervasive feeling of “YIKES!” when he thinks about becoming a father).
Is this something you talked about before you got married? What were his feelings then? What were yours?
I say start there–then at least you’ll know the angle you’ll have to take to talk him down.
I’m ready, he’s not.
To which I say, at least he wants one eventually!
How do I tell him how wonderful it will be to have a baby?
You can’t. They are wonderful, and they also change everything. Just like the commercial says, only with vomit and poop and horrificly scary trips to the ER. Okay, my experience, there. I adore kids, and want another (have two). But telling him it will be wonderful isn’t possible. There’s no way even you, in the midst of baby lust, have an accurate idea of how wonderful it really will be. Or how hard.
However, talking about it is a help. And being realistic, too. The more you lay on the wonders, the more he will have to place himself in the devil’s advocate role - you both know there are pains, worries, and fears, too. Be honest about them, and address the issues one at a time. Scary? yes, but we learn how to handle it. Difficult? Yes, but skills are learned and humans are fortunately very flexible, and your errors for the most part will not cause irreparable harm. As long as we’re not talking safety issues…
Keep in mind, you’re going to be the mom. He’s going to be the dad. His experience of babies will undoubtably be different than yours - infants, especially, have a tendency to be all lovey toward mommy, and rather annoyingly not always thrilled about daddies. If you’ve prepped him for this wonderful bonding thing, he may end up waiting two years to see the results. That’s a mighty long time of hearing WAAAHHH! every time he comes near (granted, that’s a worst case, but it does happen, even when the dad is highly involved, attuned, and given freedom to establish his own parenting style). Prep him for reality, which is that it is hard, it is a huge responsibility, and it is unlikely to be surpassed by his other acheivements in terms of satisfaction.
How do I show him that no one should wait until they “can afford it”?
Actually, if you can manage to wait until you can afford it, I recommend it. We almost could afford it. We also found that it is much harder to improve your financial picture once baby is there. Granted, we also took a major income hit when he stayed home with our firstborn for a year (2/3 income loss), but being able to afford kids is a very good idea.
However, again, finances are not the only consideration. I wouldn’t go back and change our ‘almost but not quite there’ state when we decided to go for our first by waiting longer. We wanted three kids, and I had a strong desire to not be a high-risk case for the third, and also not stacking them too close together for my taste. That meant starting at a certain time. With two miscarriages thrown into the mix, I’m running a bit later on the third than I’d hoped. This is a valid issue, and worth bringing up - fertility, risk, and other issues change as you age, for both of you. You have to balance the risks and benefits, and come to a sensible starting point. Even if finances are not as ready as you’d hoped. It is entirely doable to be ‘not ready’ when you start and find yourself doing fine. You just have to change your expectations of what you can and cannot afford. It is also possible to end up going bankrupt. Find a sane middle ground.
if nothing else, what will slow down this case of baby fever that I have???!!!???
Nothing. I’ve got a serious case of it right now. Our start-date for baby three is just a few months out, but I go crosseyed with the baby lust thing anyway. Ignoring it doesn’t help. Reading about babies doesn’t help. Spending time with real ones doesn’t help. The only thing for me that helps is looking rationally at the reasons for not starting yet. I want our relatively volatile younger son to be NOT TWO when the next baby arrives. Anything but two… I don’t want to deal with infant and tantrums and jealousy at the same time. I could do it, but prefer not to. So I remember that, and take a deep breath, and wait it out. The urge subsides breifly, and then comes back, and I beat it into submission with the ‘tantrum+baby’ stick again, and again, as needed.
For us, epeepunk was not ready when our deadline hit. Our finances weren’t ready. We reassessed, and modified slightly, and then once we were completely decided on when we’d actually be ready, we got half-way to the new start date before starting (that is, we started sooner than planned). His decision. Once we knew we were starting at a particular time, the minor differences between one month and two months later were immaterial. Same thing happened the next time. There’s some play in the system, but you have to set it up to start for valid reasons, not just the urge.
If it is deeply important to you to start now, like a sense of impending doom if you do not, then bring that up, too. But usually, that isn’t the case. Usually it is just the hunger to start, and excitement about initiating a new phase of life, and, well baby lust. If that is what you’ve got (and it can be pretty intense at that), take deep breaths, and discuss the realities. He’s going to need to solve the problems involved, and you’re going to want to do what you feel is right, correct? (my guess from the tone of the post) So get more specific about the problems, make sure he can specify exactly what the criteria are for starting, and make your plans accordingly. It can’t be a vague ‘I want to be stable, financially’ - it must be ‘I want to have our debt down to $1000, and have started looking for a house’ or ‘I want to have enough in our IRA to start growing it reasonably even if we can’t contribute as much for a few years’ … definite, reachable goals, towards which you can devote some of your energy - you can do something about those, you can’t do anything about the vague ones.
good luck! I’m looking for that “Good, Bad, and Ugly” thread from a few years back, which might be good reading for this case… I’ll link if it I find it.
What worked for me:
When the relationship of a 15 weeks pregnant friend breaks up, invite her to stay with you and your husband. Be her primary emotional support while she grieves her marriage and her outcast state. Have a front-row seat for the aches, pains, rashes, sicknesses, and COMPLAINTS of pregnancy. Bring her to the hospital five times (each time in the middle of the night) prior to the baby’s birth because she freaks out if a spot of anything resembling blood exits her vagina, yet refuses to observe strict bed rest as the doctors have advised her. :rolleyes:
Take childbirth classes with her and have everyone assume that you are either her lesbian lover or her mother. [Of the two, I really preferred being taken for her lover. :)] Observe the process of childbirth, up close and personal. Watch your dear friend struggle to stay on top of enormous pain, and then cry because she can’t. Watch while she gets two epidurals… because the first one wasn’t right. Then actually watch (and smell!) the birth. Take mom and baby home and enjoy the first six months of infancy. If you really want the full experience, don’t sleep with earplugs! Wake up every two hours. Be sure to fully appreciate it when the baby gets thrush and cannot be comforted for hours on end.
I kid, but only slightly. I learned a lot from this experience, not the least of which is that I don’t want children.
Amanita, you work for Halmark or the people that make those diamond commercials, right?
I was going to quote some things out of your post but that would make me have to read them again now wouldn’t it.
Hallmark, Bruce_Daddy, you incredible retard. (28, 29, 30)
I’m a moron.
and I’m TWENTY-five. haha
Just wanted to clarify.
Not as far back as I thought:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=117033
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=48523 (noting, of course, that there are issues discussed that don’t apply, but gives a good idea of the ‘good bad and ugly’ issues, which makes it easier to discuss whether and/or when)
Got a problem, Bruce_Daddy?
Hedra has hit the nail on the head.
Vomit, poor and horrifying trips to the ER are part of the standard package by the way, not just Hedra’s personal experience. No one gets out of vomit and poop, and its only the really lucky that don’t end up with at least one horrifying trip to the ER.
Really, really, really - you BOTH need to be ready for this. Financially and emotionally. The amount of stress it will put on your relationship if he resents you or the baby for the situation will be nearly impossible to overcome. And financial hangups are my speciality, but there is nothing like a baby to convince you that even with the wealth of Bill Gates, you won’t be able to afford to feed them next week and they will starve and it will be your fault.
I just want to add a couple of things… (I’m pregnant with our second child now)
1 - No matter how ready you think you are… you will still be floored by the experience of carrying and birthing and raising a child.
2 - While I don’t advocate bringing children into the world if you need to live on the street afterwards… you can accomodate a child into the budget… it just takes some planning and work.
3 - Babies are adorable… but they turn into toddlers and then schoolchildren and then TEENAGERS. Don’t confuse the infatuation with babies with the desire to parent. Your kids don’t go home at the end of the day… they are home. They will be loud, messy, sick at the worst times (not that there is ever a good time) There are no sick days or comp days. I like to say I won the mommy trifecta the day I was pooped on peed on and puked on all in one morning!
4 - It may well be the hardest thing you ever do but it is infinitely rewarding and fills your life with an incredible love.