Big Important Decision

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am wondering what the general consensus is on the age you should be to have a baby. My husband and I got married after dating for 2 years. We ahve been married for 5 months. We are both 20 years old. He is a junior in college for a computer engineering degree. He has about 2 1/2 years left. We are semi financially secure. We are paying off our credit card debt this year.

I really want to have a baby. I have had this need for the past 6 months. i had a pregnancy scare at about that time that turned out to be nothing. I got used to the idea of having a baby.

My husband would be a great father, but he and I aren’t sure wether we should wait until we are more financially secure. I am afraid that we will never consider ourselves financially secure.

What do you think?
please don’t personally bash me about things posted here before…

2

Just my opinion, but I’d recommend waiting 3 or 4 years. It’s a big life change. Enjoy yourselves, enjoy each other, grow a bit more as individuals, and put down deep roots as a couple. 'Cuz you’ll need all that and more once “they” arrive.

Again, just my 2 cents

3

Welcome your firstborn into the world with one of the greatest gifts you could ever give him/her…

financial stability.

This may mean finishing college, establishing a career, paying off loans, obtaining a “long-term domicile,” et al. You’ll then be able to give him/her everything he/she deserves.

4

By all means, WAIT! We had our first beloved daughter about 1-1/2 years after we were married, and I still hear “Well, if we had waited like I wanted too, look at all the stuff we could have done/had!”
yeah, yeah…

5

Regardless of financial security I would still wait a few years. You have several other important decisions to make in the next few years and there needn’t be a big hurry to close those doors.

Besides that, if I remember correctly, one of the big reasons you and the husband are financially secure is that you are living with your parents.

This isn’t a bad thing, but are you financially secure if you had to move out and didn’t have a baby to support? Are you financially secure if you have to move out and DO have a baby to support. If you would still live with your parents and have a baby would your parents mind having a baby in the house? (I’m guessing no on this one, IIRC, your parents’ house is to large that they gave you and your husband a WING).

Lot’s of things to think about and plenty of time to think about it.

6

Let me ask you this: are you anxious to have a baby, or to raise one?

A lot of people have kids and then immediately hand them over to a daycare or nanny to raise; I personally don’t understand that. After all, why did you have the child? Biological urges? Bragging rights? Accessorizing the furniture?

My wife and I decided long before we had our first that one of us would always be home with the kids, especially during the basic formative and bonding years. For one year, that meant I was Mr. Mom. I wouldn’t trade that experience (or give it to a stranger) for anything.

I’m not saying going to daycare is bad, but I don’t think it’s the best thing for a young child or a healthy family. The daughter of a friend’s child cries uncontrollably whenever her nanny goes home; it’s clear who she’s bonded to.

I’d say, have a baby when it’s financially possible for one of you to stay home. Yes, this will put one of your careers on hold, but I know lots of people who’ve done that and restarted their career years later. It will also require financial sacrifices. But after all, at 20, you’ve already realized that you just can’t have everything. You’ve got to make choices.

I don’t believe in financial security. Be prepared for further sacrifices and tough times. We had a really nice 2000-something square foot home, which we built ourselves (meaning we hired and arranged professionals and did much of the finishing ourselves), in a wonderful little community. But when my wife lost her job, and I couldn’t find a steady one, we sold our house for a song (I was ready to walk away from it at that point), and moved into a little basement suite in the city. Not an easy decision, but a necessary one (the compromise we made was to homeschool our kids, and before anyone says anything, they socialize with other kids plenty every day).

7

I am absolutely BEGGING you to WAIT!!

Please! A baby is really hard on a marriage, really really hard. A new marriage such as yours needs time to grow and mature… picture a freshly planted tree - just a sapling. Can you hang a tire swing on it? NO - it would tip the tree over. Your marriage is the tree, the baby is the swing - its a huge burden.

Please - wait.
Wait till he is done school (think of a screaming kid keeping him up).
Wait until you are in your own place.
Wait until he starts his career path.

I dont know if you work, but if you have the baby ache - try working in a daycare for a while.

I remember the baby ache. I remember the pregnancy scares, and crying when the test said negative. I wouldnt trade my Frankie-angel for anything in the world… but he has no dad anymore… the stress of a baby when we were working shit jobs destroyed us. We were sickeningly happy until the baby came. I got the baby I wanted, but he doesnt have what he deserves. Maybe if we had waited longer, till we were more secure…

I know its hard, over a message board no less, to take my advice, but please listen to me:

I like you, you have spunk. I think you and your husband are gonna be ok. I think you will get out from under that debt, save up a down payment and buy a little place, fix it up and make it yours, and then, when you have everything ready, you are gonna take all the vitamins, and so will hubby, and you will plan the pregnancy under the best possible circumstances and it will be great.

Babies are great, but they are so HARD.

I had Ted at 22, and Frankie at 26. I am a thousand times better parent with Frankie than with Ted. (I am almost 32 now)

Babies do things to relationships I cant even describe. Bad things. Its not like on TV, all this lovely closeness, its hard dirty sleepless work, which you will be stuck doing the bulk of. There is tired resentment. There is jealousy: "she used to pay all her attention to me… "

You need to nurture this new marriage - to bring a baby into it means that all your attention for a long time will be focused elsewhere. ALOT of men stray during pregnancy and the early years - sad but true. Even if yours doesnt - is it fair to put this kind of burden on him?

I have a feeling you will do it anyway, but please wait to get pregnant.

I have NEVER heard anyone say: “Gee, you know, I am really sorry I waited to get pregnant”. If you rush into a pregnancy, you MAY regret it - if you wait, I can guarantee you wont regret it.

I really do understand the baby ache.
Dont tell anyone, but I cry when I hold baby girls because I ache so much. :frowning: But I dont have more babies because if wouldnt be fair to the baby.

Good luck Tuba.
Whatever you decide, I think you will be a decent Mom.
Wait a few years, and you will be fucking awesome! :smiley:

8

I have to echo St. Attila.

If you are choking at the leach to change diapers, make tough calls, sacrifice your life/self/soul for the training of a real live human being…you might be ready now.

If you think a baby would be cute, you want a “real family”, and still care about shoes/fashion/going out/intellegent conversation…Wait.

Parenting is giving of yourself to the betterment of the human race. Giving yourself to a helpless, selfish child…for years. And if you do it right, they go away. Its rewards are some of the best intangables in life, but its costs are truly daunting.

9

I want to thank you all for your input. I to agree that I would rather be financally stable before I do have a baby. I am trying to get as many opinions as to the subject. I have not made up my decision completely, but am leaning towards waiting 2-3 more years.

My husband and I have been talking about it for some time now, and I’m pretty sure he isn’t ready for it. He would like to have me stay at home with our babies. I would like that too. If we had a baby now, it would be me working while my baby grows up. that is something I don’t want.

I just don’t know what to do about the “baby ache.” I have a freakin’ dog already. I do like children, just not other peoples children, so I don’t want to work at a child care center either.

I do want to thank you for all the advise and first hand experience, (especially Kellibelli(I’m on yahoo messenger “tubagirl13”))

10

My wife and I are 30. We figure that we’ll wait a year or two to have kids. We’re financially secure (somewhat). It’s just that we enjoy being able to do whatever we want at the drop of a hat. We love kids. We’ll be happy when we have them. Just wait a while. There is NO hurry. Not to sound like a farmer assessing his livestock, but you’ve got many child bearing years ahead of you.

11

Abso-fu - er, wait, this is MPSIMS.

I wholeheartedly agree with ChiefScott. My parents were dirt-poor when they had me and my sister (about two years later). I did not hear the end of it in school until I left that school for one where you basically had to have money to go there.

Granted, those kids would’ve made fun of a kid in a wheelchair, but still.

Plus the aspect of being alone and together is harder to keep strong, from what my mom has told me, when you’ve got a kid to raise.

12

My parents waited nine years. I don’t know if I would recommend waiting that long, and even my mother says she wished she’d started a few years earlier (she was 32), but both of my parents say that they got to enjoy each other and a (relatively) peaceful/easy life until I came along. (Well, really, peace ended when my SISTER came along four years later, but that’s another story.)
I don’t think I would want to have a baby at 20. I’m almost 18 now and I have a good deal of growing up to do before I’m ready to get married, let alone raising children.
I think it would be better to wait until he is done with college and has landed a job to have a child. Again, that’s just my idea; I’m young, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I just am aging myself a couple of years and looking at it from my perspective.
Whatever you decide to do, best wishes.

13

tubagirl

I know it’s not all that romantic, but my suggestion would be. Go see a fiancial planner. You two have already talked about wanting to be financially stable before adding to the family, so go see someone who can tell you how to best go about that.

-Doug

14

I’ve got another “me too” for you, tubagirl.

I got married when I was just barely 20, but we waited for 8 years before we had our first child. I’m not saying everyone should wait that long, but I know that those years gave us both time to mature and to grow into our marriage. By the time the baby came along, we had a solid foundation as a couple, and that really helped in the darkest days of infant and child care.

Mr. Legend didn’t get his degree before we had the baby, though, and he supported us while going to school. It took him almost 10 years to complete an engineering degree. That was one of the most difficult times in his life, and I think he’s still catching up on his sleep. We were also not financially secure when we started out, and although your suspicions are correct (no one ever DOES feel financially secure enough to have kids), it would have made life a whole lot easier if we hadn’t been paying off debt at the same time our income decreased and the expenses went up.

Given that you’re thinking about all of this now, and you’re willing to wait if that’s the best thing for you, I’d say you’re a mature person who’ll be a great mom no matter when you decide to have children. However, there’s something to be said for making life easier on yourself, and waiting a few years is likely to do that.

15

I turned 30 the year my daughter was born, and I was 32 when my son was born.

I’d throw myself in front of a train for my kids, but I’ve got to tell you this: while I’m glad I waited until I was in my 30’s, I wish I had waited longer.

Now, my daugther was, in fact, planned. But looking back on the last five years, I do sometimes wish we had waited a little longer. We hadn’t been married quite a year when we started trying to have her. Things have been stressful between me and my husband since her birth.

kellibelli is a very wise woman. This is SO true. While I’m quite certain that my marriage will survive now, I think a LOT of the problems we’ve had could have been avoided if we’d waited just a little longer. We didn’t really give ourselves time to get used to actually being married to each other before we let this little person invade our home. And invade they do. Do you have any idea how much STUFF a baby requires?

(Brief aside–as I was registering for my baby shower, I became so overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF that I’d need that I turned to my husband and said “why did you do this to me???” He replied “because you asked me to!”)

Anyway, babies are great. They really are. I love being a mom, and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But you have got to be prepared for your life to be completely turned upside down. They’re not much work the first week, when they’re still recovering from being born. You’ll scratch your head and think “this is it?” After they wake up, though…hooooooooo buddy.

My recommendation is to wait. Even if it’s just a year or two. But I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you.

Oh yeah, one more thing–be sure to talk to your husband about it. When it comes to the decision to have a child, you must keep the lines of communication open. And after that baby is born, keep talking. I cannot stress this enough.

16

Just throwing my two cents in. Seems most people here are saying to wait till you can afford a baby, from what I have seen people never really can afford a baby. Yes some are in a better position than others. Some have said that they were better parents when the second one came, and attribute that to being more mature. Well I think that it is more experience that made them better, not age. Yes I agree babies are hard on a marriage, but they are hard on a marriage at any stage of the marriage.

I am of the opinion, that having the children while young (but mature enough to deal with all that raising children entails) is better. You will be young enough to participate more in the activities of your children. You will also be young enough to do things and enjoy life after the children are grown and on their own. Also you will be around longer to enjoy the grandchildren.

The MOST important factor here is for both of you to decide that you want children now or later. Go into that phase of marriage with your eyes open and holding hands, cause whenever it is, it will be a rough ride at times.

Whatever you do enjoy life and enjoy each other.