(This is a repurposed blog post)
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You call me brother, how nice to meet another like me!
Well… actually, what you said was that I was no different from you and from nearly all other men, and that I was nothing special.
But you said that the things I’ve described going through were things you’ve gone through too.
And that it isn’t unusual, and lots of guys go through that kind of experience but don’t find it necessary to proclaim a different gender identity.
But still, you say you’ve been through it yourself.
You apparently also, like me, were told over and over by self-proclaimed gatekeepers of what it means to be a man that you weren’t appropriately man-like, that you were girly, sissified, feminine. Right? You apparently also, like me, found it appalling that those guys were construed as sexy, once the age of dating rolled around, and you were left on the sidelines feeling unattractive and left out, right? Because you said my experience as I’ve described it make me nothing unusual and special, that all the nerdy intelligent non-jock thoughtful introspective boys have that experience, that’s what you said, right?
And yet you don’t talk about it. And I do. Why is that?
Aren’t you outraged? Didn’t it make you angry? Are you going to tell me you never found the entire situation offensive, that you never swore you were going to try to do something about it somehow?
Uh huh. I’ll tell you what I think. I think you learned to fake it, to put on a masculine persona. I think you studied how to butch up enough to stop the harassment. You tucked your sissy feminine corners under, out of sight and you emulated some of the behaviors of the people who had been picking on you, maybe not completely but enough to get by. Enough to pass.
And you don’t wish to talk about it… and when I do, you tell me to STFU, that no one cares about this shit and I’m acting like a special snowflake, acting like someone would actually care.
Hey, I was hoping guys like you would join your voices to mine, be supportive. It’s actually kind of lonely doing so much of this on my own when I know so many other male people know firsthand about the kind of stuff I’m talking about.
Instead, it looks like you decided all that stuff is actually OK, no big deal, not something that anyone should complain about. And like, what, you think it’s embarrassing or something that I bring this stuff up and act like it’s political and socially relevant and not just a rite of male passage?
Maybe you always wanted to be like them, envied them, wished you were more like them all along. I guess that’s OK if that’s true, because I’m not saying I’m a better kind of person than them, and if that’s how you wanted to be, go forth and be masculine, but if so, don’t pretend I’m just like you. I never did.
You keep saying I could still call myself a man, and therefore should. Like it’s such a privilege to affiliate myself with that and that I should claim my sex as my identity. But I don’t want to be affiliated with them. They said I wasn’t a man, I said I wasn’t a man, so it’s mutual.
And as much as I’d appreciate having more people tell me “you’re not alone” and saying “me too”, the way you’re doing it doesn’t give me any sense of solidarity, and I don’t need your permission or approval to speak out.
We’re different, you and I. You sold out.