Brotherhood of the Wolf (Spoilers)

The BBQ Pit
1

Not sure if this should be here or in the Cafe, but since it’s a rant I’ll put it here. If I’m mistaken, my apologies.

So, I saw that this movie was supposed to be a “powerfull tour de force,” and a real “roller coaster ride,” and it had a great big display at the store, and lots of copies in the display as if it were LOTR or something.

Holy crap, this thing is like the worst movie ever.

It’s a combination of Dangerous Liaisons, Masterpiece Theatre and such with its 18th Century French Court setting. It’s also a mystery. Oh yeah, it’s a Kung Fu movie too. And almost forgot that’s is also a Werewolf/monster movie.

But then, the whole thing is really done like a spaghetti western with the hero played by a Gerard Depardieu wannabe.

Did I mention it’s also dubbed?

It starts. Unseen monster bellows and attacks innocent farm wench who dies horribly with her head banging on a rock.

Hero rides into town to investigate the “Beast” that’s been terrorizing the countryside. Hero is a French naturalist from the court of Louis the Sun King, and he has a sidekick.

His sidekick is Tonto. No I’m not kidding. It’s Tonto allright.

Tonto where’s a tricorn hat and beats up some local toughs who attack him for no apparent reason, thus allowing him to show off his amerindian Kung Fu moves.

Then they ride off to visit the local gentry to learn more about the beast. At the castle, the Lone Rang… err the naturalist meets his love interest, an annoying uppity wench and the evil bad guy.

You can tell he’s the evil bad guy because he has long black hair in a ponytail, a cruel smirk, and is missing an arm. He’s also the uppity wench’s sister, and is in love with her.

A spoiler seems somewhat contradictory. This thing was spoiled before it started, but yeah, you see him and you say “Yup. There’s the bad guy.”

I kept watching in the hopes that it wouldn’t be that obvious, but it was. I kept waiting for the twist, but there wasn’t.

Oh they tried. We learned the real bad guy has two arms, so it obviously can’t be the obvious bad guy, can it?

Except that the obvious bad guys was only faking that he los an arm. Apparently he’s been carrying this masquerade of being a one-armed man for decades.

I can’t possibly guess what the reason is behind this, but I guess he must have seen the Fugitive and thought all bad guys were only supposed to have one arm.

Things precede predictably.

Beast attacks some more. Lone Rang… err naturalist and Tonto investigate, get hints of wide sweeping conspiracy involving ::yawn:: Catholic Church and ::Ho Hum:: overthrow of Louis IV.

Love interest progresses. Evil guy acts evil and mysterious. Tonto gets killed. Naturalist guy holds Tonto’s head in his arms, looks up and screams obligatory “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” as camera fades back. Because of the dubbing everything is slightly out of sync.

Finally, an hour and a half into the movie we get to see the beast.

The Beast which we have been lead to believe is a werewolf is really an African bear wrapped in wicker (Why? I dunno?)

Maybe wicker is what all the fashionable bears are wearing these days.

I guess though that they didn’t have the budget to wicker up a real bear, so what they did was used claymation and computer graphics to make a cartoon bear.

It reminded me of watching Bob Hoskins interract with Roger Rabbit as the Lone Ranger battled the Cartoon-wicker-Bear-Beast-Werewolf-creature.

Bad CGI.

Then of course the bad guy kills his sister because she won’t slepp with him, and then reveals that he actually has two arms and fights the Lone Rang… er naturalist in a Kung Fu swordfight while all the other bad guys stand around watching.

After our hero kills the bad guy, he uses Indian Magic from the dead Tonto to bring the annoying Wench love interest back to life, and they sail away to live happilly ever after.

I guess Tonto didn’t put out enough to merit using the Indian Magic to bring him back, or Maybe the Lone Ranger just forgot about it until later.

At any rate Tonto stays dead.

As the credits roll, we later learn that there was this thing called the French Revolution where all the peasants revolted and chopped off the heads of the nobility. I’m not sure what this had to do with the rest of the film, but there it is. I guess it was supposed to add some historical verisimilitude or something.

Anyway. Worst movie ever.

2

It had a furry fish in it!

The version I saw wasn’t dubbed.

…and I rather liked it, dammit!

3

The fake furry fish was only in the movie for like ten seconds.

4

I really liked it I have to say.

I was also sure it was a Lion BTW. I also don’t think the love interest was dead but no matter the Indian magic was used. The DVD I have has subtitles and dubbed option. I never use the dubbed option. The revolution is brought in coz it fits in with the time line. It’s 1% based on a true story and AFAIK the young man who grows up to be a victim of the revolution is a real person.

It’s a throw away fun movie IMO. Very good for what it is and no more.

5

It was a fun movie! My friends and I still laugh about it.

And Tonto looked good fighting in his loin cloth.

thx

6

The beast was a lioness, to be exact.

I still say any film with a furry fish is alright in my book. Well, unless the fish drives a Viper and parks in a handicapped space.

I didn’t know it was available on DVD. I guess I’ll be purchasing that this weekend, too.

7

The special effects for the “beast” were pretty bad, but the “beast” wasn’t a bear, it was one of the cat family. I liked this movie despite the weak animated “beast”.

8

Where are you people getting lion from?

It was a bear.

I grunted like a bear, and it was big and fat like a bear. Too big to be a lion.

You could also see the bear face under the wicker, and then the Lone Ranger says it was a bear under the wicker, after the first Kung Fu confrontation with it.

It’s a bear, at least in the dubbed DVD.

I dread having to watch the special features to prove this.

9

"Did I mention it’s also dubbed? "

I saw a subtitled version.

I thought it was a pretty bad movie. The furry tuna reminded me of a nasty reference to a woman’s private parts.

10

I definitely had a “What the hell?” reaction. I was expecting some lovely swashbuckling, a little derring-do, maybe some werewolf stuff. Instead I got French Kung Fu and some Noble Savage crap. The only thing I got out of it was the lesson “When it comes right down to it, you want an Italian whore on your side.” It’s a pity, because it could have been a great movie.

11

I liked it. That is all.

12

I’ve heard worse dubs, but not many. It sounded like the rounded up the voice actors from people who were rejected from the local Ren Faire.

Luckily, the DVD contains the original language track and subtitles. The story remains enjoyably silly, but the voices are less grating.

I didn’t realize the One-Armed Man was his sister’s sister. I missed that part.

13

Scylla, it’s been a while since I saw the movie but remember he brought the beast back from Africa with him. He brought a cub from a litter, I thought, and raised it.

I may be misremembering it, though. It was not a bear, though, that much I do remember.

14

You correct JuanitaTech, they did bring it back from Africa as a cub and trained it.

15

Amen, brother…

I went to this crapfest expecting the darkest, scariest movie ever. Started out promising, but dragged and dragged until we saw the laughable “beast”, then it bacame MST3K-worthy.

“Tonto” was the best part and he bit it early.

(I saw the subbed version, and I thought the beast was just a really vicious dog, but I could be wrong… I think I might have fallen asleep by that point.)

16

I want to take this opportunity to express my complete and unhesitating support of the position expressed by Scylla. My and my boy actually paid to see this gobbler! Iroquois jiu-jitsu. Hairy African creatures of indefinite species! A lavish bordello located in what the French call les boondoques!

It bites! It bites like a pit bull, it bites like a school of piranha! It chomps! It bites the big green binach!

The French have a lot to answer for, and the sooner the better!

17

And out of the entire cast, it came out with the most integrity.

18

I dunno, much like burundi, I’m gonna have to go with the Italian whore on this one. As we all know, whores are famous for being full of integrity, but not so much full of furry fish…

…nevermind.

19

You guys say this like it’s bad. I think Ebert said it best when he described it as “an explosion at the genre factory”.
[sub]I liked it. Neener neener neener.[/sub]

20

It was a Lioness!!!
Geez, i figured out it was a cat from the pawprints. I didn’t figure it would be modified with armor by the french weirdos. You can tell it is a lion by the way it walks. I thought the movie was brilliant, it had excellent fighting scenes, major characters who died, and a furry fish. I saw it in theaters in French.