I’m not really sure how Buddhism helps deal with feelings like this. The responses I get range from:
“The cause are mental fabrications that fabricate loneliness. Stop fabricating mental fabrications that fabricate loneliness. In your case, if you’re using social media to ease loneliness, it’s like postponing the resolution of suffering to a latter date. Instead of focusing on the cause of your loneliness, you’re focusing on social media. You think you need social media to ease loneliness. In reality you most probably don’t need social media … you just need to get rid of loneliness. Once you’ll get rid of loneliness, you’ll probably stop spending time on social media.
What you’re experiencing is normal suffering due to loneliness. Psychologists will tell you it’s normal as long as it does not interfere negatively on your physical or mental health. Most people do something to ease feelings of loneliness (make new friends, read, do sports, watch TV, …). But that’s not curing loneliness. It’s like having a disease and alleviating its symptoms. This is no different than being depressive and drinking alcohol to ease the depression. Off course it’s not dysfunctional as drinking alcohol, but the mechanism is the same: you suffer, and instead of resolving your main problems which are the cause of your suffering, you’re postponing their resolution to a later date.”
One of the bits of wisdom that I have been able to extract from Buddhism (that isn’t reflected in the religion I was raised into–Christianity) is that change is inevitable. Things might get worse for you, but they will likely also get better for you if you hold on long enough. That includes feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness is something I only experience when my hormones are fucked up and I can’t go to sleep. I actually experience every single negative emotion you can think of (except for anger) during these moments. I will be laying bed with only my super negative thoughts to keep my company, feeling like utter shit. But in the back of my mind is a voice reminding me that the feelings are temporary. They’ll be gone once I finally fall asleep and wake up. Holding onto this is truth helps me to keep it together.
I’m not particularly mentally healthy. I have my issues. I’m aware of them, I work on them everyday. I’m alone alot. It’s me and the pets. I love my life style, I’m comfortable in it. Being alone does not equate ‘loneliness’.
I have recently reached out and found purchase in a new kind of friend (no it’s not imaginary). I’ve had to trust in a different way. It’s been eye-opening. I’m here to tell you, quit studying your navel and make a step outside your comfort zone. The world is full of people.
“The cause are mental fabrications that fabricate loneliness. Stop fabricating mental fabrications that fabricate loneliness. In your case, if you’re using social media to ease loneliness, it’s like postponing the resolution of suffering to a latter date. Instead of focusing on the cause of your loneliness, you’re focusing on social media. You think you need social media to ease loneliness. In reality you most probably don’t need social media … you just need to get rid of loneliness. Once you’ll get rid of loneliness, you’ll probably stop spending time on social media.
What you’re experiencing is normal suffering due to loneliness. Psychologists will tell you it’s normal as long as it does not interfere negatively on your physical or mental health. Most people do something to ease feelings of loneliness (make new friends, read, do sports, watch TV, …). But that’s not curing loneliness. It’s like having a disease and alleviating its symptoms. This is no different than being depressive and drinking alcohol to ease the depression. Off course it’s not dysfunctional as drinking alcohol, but the mechanism is the same: you suffer, and instead of resolving your main problems which are the cause of your suffering, you’re postponing their resolution to a later date.”
But stuff like the above makes it seem like wanting to have friends is feeding some kind of addiction or forestalling the progress that you make with curing your “illness”. They liken loneliness to a disease.
We do, inasmuch as the feelings of loneliness are generated by the thoughts that spring out of own minds. Loneliness is not inevitable. Two people can experience the same aloneness, but only one come away feeling lonely. How else do you explain this phenomenon if we aren’t fabricating our own loneliness?
I think you may be giving “fabricate” some extra meaning that isn’t warranted. It doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t “real”.
I think that much of that quote is a bunch of sanctimonious poppycock, by the way. There’s nothing wrong with treating the symptoms of a problem before treating the problem itself. Indeed, I think it’s kind of important to treat the symptoms first because it can take a really long time to cure the problem. There’s a reason why people who are in physical therapy for an injury also take painkillers. And sometimes curing the problem isn’t possible. I agree that social media is probably not the best way to treat the feelings of loneliness, but physical activity (going to the gym, taking long walks/hikes, doing yoga…) is a pretty good way. So is doing anything that exposes you to “positive people energy”, like going to concerts and the theater. Social media is like treating hunger with junk food. You’ll feel momentary satisfaction by consuming it, but it lacks the substance needed to be sustainable. It also has the potential to make you feel worse than how you started, if you aren’t careful.
Try joining a couple of activity clubs and stick with it until you’re one of the regulars. You’ll meet people doing something that interests you, and get invites and tips on related stuff. Soon, you’ll be running into, if not friends, at least acquaintances all over the place. Choose which acquaintances you’d like to develop into friends, but go slow, don’t smother them. That goes double if you’re looking for romance. Take all the time that’s needed.
You can’t incorporate Buddhist thought by copying and pasting. You require guidance and teaching. It’s not something that automatically works. It requires discipline that you have to practice and learn. It’s the same reason you can’t become proficient at playing the piano by copying piano scores.
If there’s a Buddhist temple in your area, sign up for meditation. You’ll take your first step in overcoming loneliness by being among other people who are also looking for answers. Through your lessons, you’ll get a better sense of how powerful your lone self can actually be.
Thing is the teachers don’t explain things so much as assume them to be true and to me much of their kindness is more of a “bird’s eye” and doesn’t seem to match reality much.
It’s more like I have this idea that Buddhism is special in some manner and therefor I just take what they say to be true without really thinking about it being so (ironic since Buddha specifically said not to do that). I know some people who did Buddhism but came out worse for it, not better. TO be honest I personally don’t buy into much of what they say or their proof of it. I don’t have an exact response to it, just this notion or intuition that they aren’t quite right.
I also don’t think the lone self is powerful at all, in fact humans are quite weak on their own. Much of their achievements and success comes from being able to work together.
I suspect that you’re overthinking things. Remember, over-thinking does not lead to insight. I find few answers in religion, but I suspect that your religion of choice is better suited than most to deal with this very issue. Or, I can give you one possible conclusion right here. “Nothing is as important as we think it is when we think about it.” Alternately, you could take a cue from Scarlett in “Gone with the Wind” : “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow”. There are many other paths, as well, but I suspect you will not take any of them - finding out why that is migh be the most worthwhile insight for you to pursue.
Oh, you made a thread about this, too. Guess I’ll weigh in here too, though I might not add much.
As best I can tell the Buddhist notion is that if you want something, anything, then that’s a bad thing, on account of the fact you might not get it and disappointment is all sad and stuff. Rather than risk ending up sad you should just want nothing, because you can’t be disappointed if you want nothing and you can’t fail if you never try.
They also argue that you can cure your sadness about not having something by not wanting it anymore. Basically sour grapes but you really mean it - you really don’t care anymore.
And they’re sort of right, and sometimes it’s a good thing to abandon a wish. There was a woman I wanted to marry. She didn’t want to marry me. Life was better when I managed to get my desire for her to die.
But abandoning all wants is throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It’s okay to like things, and it’s okay to seek the things you like. Sometimes you have to give up, but not always. It’s a matter of circumstance.
Er, yeah. I tried to put the termination of my desire in the harshest of terms and the english language exploited its ambiguities to turn me into a murderer. I think that language has it out for me.
+1 to Beckdawrek’s advice to get out and meet/discuss with REAL people in person. Listen 90% and reply 5% and ask questions 5%.
Barring that (which you seem so opposed to), head over to somethingawful.com where there’s several threads in the Ask/Tell forum that deals with Buddhism. Be sure to wear your big boy shorts though. If you think anyone here is brutal, it’s nothing compared to what’s posted there.
That said, a couple of points.
First, you may think you’re being highly philosophical and presenting deep thoughts, but you’re like a 10 year old asking about quantum physics and when told A, B, C, you say “I KNOW THAT!”. Then when told D, E. F, you say “I don’t care about that. Tell me about X, Y, Z!” :smack:
Second, hate to break it to you, but no one here is your friend, peer, counselor or mentor. While many try to genuinely be helpful, you don’t know who’s being sincere and who’s just playing with you. You really don’t know about anyone you don’t know personally. For all you know, I could be a 15 year old white girl who embellishes stories from my friends grandparents.
Third, taking anything posted on any forum as the absolute truth or fact is one step above the guy saying “I did it because the voice in my head told me too!”:eek:
The irony is that if you do find someone that answers your questions to your satisfaction, you’ll think you’ve met God on the road and will follow him/her. :smack:
OK, if you’re so skeptical about Buddhism, why did you turn to it to combat loneliness?
If you really want to overcome this problem, you have to be willing to change your mindset. You seem to already have a preset answer to any suggestion, rife with cynicism and reasons why you can’t do it. This is a difficult problem and easy answers don’t exist. You already think humans need to work together, so find some humans to work with.
