:eek: Chiggers!
I was JUST going to make the same comment! 
Maybe he is a short legged nudist living in Alaska.
I am laughing uncontrollably at this.
My neighbor was canoeing once and somehow a bee got down into her shorts and stung her by her bunghole.
She is not a small woman and stands up in the canoe, drops trou and her whitey tighties, bends over spreading her cheeks to her husband ( who thinks she has suddenly lost her mind with the sudden onset of screaming and turrets like spasms.) screaming at him, " Do you see the stinger!!! Pull it out!!!1!!! Pull out the STINGER!!!"
AT this moment they were floating by a canoe group of girl scouts.
I’ve never heard the rest of the story because of laughing so hard.
Well, if you used a quarter sideways, you could scrape…, well you know what I mean. Maybe a dime for some folks. (Tight you know).
Precious!! 
I heard this from a friend. He was with his Boy Scout troop helping clean up a cabin to earn a merit badge or something. One kid suddenly had to take a dump, but there was no plumbing. He found a bucket and crapped in it, and quickly realized he had nothing to wipe with. But there was an old pink blanket on the floor that seemed to do the trick…
Turned out to be fiberglass insulation. :eek:
I’ve done the “left hand and a plastic teapot” thing countless times. Indeed, in areas where that is the custom I’d take the teapot in with me even if I had paper, since I didn’t want everyone to look at me like a freak.
I’ve never heard of sand! But sure, I lived in India for a couple of months at a time on separate occasions when I was a teen, and I did it their way. Actually, my mom, raised in India, brought paper. I did it their way. I’m still proud of this. Although nowadays I think I would insist on a toilet.
dear god, why hast thou forsaken me?!
Aha, the two-ply paper.
No he wasn’t exaggerating.
Waayyyy back in 2003 I told a similar true story that was told to me from a trusted source.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=3062619&postcount=54
“After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a big wad of Owens Corning fiberglass insulation with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth.” John 19:28-29
I wiped my butt on the OP. But next time I’ll print it out first.
Grandpop’s outhouse was supplied with the Sears’ catalogue and corncobs, plus corn husks. I have used the catalogue pages. I never tried the others. I was too busy trying to dodge the wasps that lived at the top of the shack.
Please report to the front of the room for your beating. It is well deserved, you magnificent punny bastid.