Ever wonder if you’re doing it wrong? I do.
So let’s put it to a vote.
I use 3 seashells.
Francois Rabelais tells us that there are a diverse number of methods and items, but the single best is apparently the neck of a goose.
I’m not making this up, but Rabelais very likely was. 
Spoilered, as the language in the link may be considered NSFW:
One sheet up, one sheet down, and one to polish.
(kudos to anyone who catches the reference)
That explains Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn’s animosity towards the man.
And don’t get her started on Balzac!
Who has time to wipe these days?
Ye gods!!
You watch your phraseology!
I don’t shit. I meditate and it goes away.
Wipe my own ass? That is disgusting.
I have people who do that.
And, of course, a completely different set of people who do my cooking.
Shit -> SHOWER -> shave.
Drag my ass across the carpet when there’s too much buildup like all indoor living domesticated mammals.
Actually the first one on the poll minus the bend in the knees.
I believe the correct term is “homeless person.” “Bum” is viewed as pejorative these days.
In any event, generally option 1.
In a perfect world, we’d be able to shower after every dump.
Someday. Someday…
A locked knees stand up wipe??? Damn you must have long arms.
How do YOU wipe your bum?
Start on the outside and work my way in.
Along with a long frame. They aren’t freakish in proportion. Just standing straight up my wrist falls at or just about the appropriate level on the outside of my leg. It takes a little more to angle to the center of the body but I suspect that’s all made up by dropping the shoulder a bit and listing my body to the side. I think that’s what I do. I’m overthinking it now.
I’m missing something here, as to what the angle of the knees has to do with the distance between the shoulder and asshole.