Don’t need to. I have a nice bidet seat. It’s more sanitary and clean-feeling, IMO.
Seated position, leaning to side while raising one cheek off the seat… reach around side and under bum… wipe front to back, back to front or circular. With steel wool.
I’m a real hard-ass. 
I’m not sure about this but I’ll ask my people who do this for me.
I have always been curious about bidets, but have never had an opportunity to use one.
I’m curious as to whether those voting for the currently most popular option (lean to one side while seated) have to replace/refix their toilet seats more often than the rest of us.
Between upright and squatting, front goes to front (i.e., urine and vaginal discharges get wiped towards the front) and back goes to back (feces get wiped towards the back). This helps avoid UTIs.
I’ve had the same toilet seat for all 16 years I’ve lived in my house. Going to replace the toilet soon, but not because all my leaning has dilapidated the thing.
However, that doesn’t really answer your question since I don’t know how often you have to replace/refix your own toilet seats. What is the normal expected life of a toilet seat?
This was in one of Cecil’s columns. I think it also featured a cartoon goose by Slug.
I replace mine about every 10-12 years and more to peeling around the front of the seat (where my nuts and penis rub sitting down and getting up) than because of any torque action.
:smack: That’s right! It was one of the early columns, too.
I actually had to read the book in a literature class in college. It’s a ribald read (though not easy), and that particular passage stuck in my head.
Then, a couple of years later, when I had started reading The Straight Dope in the local alternative paper, I saw that column, and recognized the book. 
"But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.”
Or, you know, a rabbit.
Hol up, someone said “vaginal”. https://pics.me.me/hol-up-34371113.png
Man does no one watch Red Dwarf anymore? 
What next though? A servant washes the goose for next time? Or do you have a flock of shit-necked geese, living by your lavatory?
Surely the correct answer was “Rimmer”?
j
I just wipe the area until it’s clean. Back when I was still menstruating, I did my best about that as well.
No, you just have to bend sideways slightly. At my age, if I stood with bent knees, they may not straighten up again.
Oh, and missed from the poll: Stand up and turn around, facing the toilet. This would be because the paper is kept atop the tank, rather than down to the side. And it’s easier to drop it in the tank when it’s right in front of you.
I’ve never felt such anxiety clicking a poll option. I’m picturing making my choice and then a the honky tonk music stops and a bunch of cowboys turn their heads to stare at me and out me. Thankfully (most of you) aren’t complete madmen.
It might’ve been nice to have two separate threads by gender. I still don’t know how that would affect things.
Japanese toilet does it all for you.