Has anybody here ever wiped their butt with a corn cob? A page out of a Sear’s catalog?
I’d like to hear of any unusual ways of cleaning one’s self after taking a dump.
The most unusual thing I’ve used is a handful of grass when out in the woods. Worked pretty well too.
Anybody?
I once used a paintbrush in Reno, just to watch it dry.
Out of necessity or fun? I once wiped with a few pages of our local alt-weekly cough Creative Loafing cough when I had no choice.
Are butt-wiping-related stories allowed? Hope so.
I’m finishing up in the bathroom, and I come out to wash my hands. A gentleman of apparent Middle-Eastern ancestry is just finishing washing his hands and starts talking to me while I’m washing mine. “I noticed that you seemed to be having trouble cleansing yourself.”
“I beg your pardon?” I reply, stunned almost into silence.
"In my culture, we do not use paper to cleanse ourselves, we use water. Each bathroom is equipped with a small hose that you activate to cleanse yourself after … " his words become lost in the mixture of water, lather, and my desperately trying to ignore him, but it is clear he is continuing to go on and on about the superiority of his culture’s way of post-poo cleanup. “Do you not agree?” he asks as the dryer finishes blowing on my hands.
It was all I could say not to reply, “Well, bully for your culture, honestly, but in my culture, which by the way is the one you’re standing in, we don’t talk to complete strangers about their bathroom habits. Now leave me the f&ck alone.”
But I didn’t, because I was at work. I hate not having a staff bathroom.
A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking a dump, and he looks down and sees a rabbit doing the same thing right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, “Hey, Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit shakes his head no and says, “Nope, never bothers me.”
The bear says, “Oh good!” He picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him and then tosses him aside.
After taking a dump in an igloo I used a topo map. It was going to be that or a bunch of snowballs.
You should have said, “Oh, yes…the hose. It’s at the end of the hallway in the red closet with the glass door. Give it a try.”
How would you have gotten snowballs? By dragging your ass across the snowy ground?
At times, I wish I had a bidet in my john. 'Specially after a 2 six pack and 3 burrito dinner. Ah, those were the days…
Gary, great joke!
Red Roses, Heresy I say, heresy!!
Uncommon, I understand (and may be wrong) that in the Easy Orient you just squat over a hole in the floor and let loose. There’s a pail of water next to you to clean things. (With your hand I guess) :eek:
Keep 'em coming…
Added to edit: Lieu, that map must have kinda felt like a Sears catalog sheet of paper?
I grew up in the hills of Tennessee and we had out outhouse until I was 16. The Sears & Roebuck catalog was a staple, so were phone books. There was no money to waste on fancy things like toilet paper. The ladies underwear ads went last.
I’ve used a handful of Russian Roubles when I had nothing else.
I was once on a canoe trip with a buddy of mine. About an hour in, he lets out an “Uh oh…we gotta get to shore”.
“Whaddayamean ‘shore’?” I asked him. “We’re in the middle of a fricking swamp. The only thing shore-like anywhere near here is nothing but mud and reeds. Why, what’s up?”
“I gotta take a dump. Now. Like, --right now and no foolin’–”
“Well, I hope you’re ok with crapping in a mud pit and wiping your ass with cattails, because the nearest gas station is a long fricking way off.”
“No waiting for this one. Gimme your shirt.” he said, hopping onto a muddy bank.
“My shirt? What the hell do you need my shiOH HELL NO! Use your own damn shirt!”
“C’mon man! All I have is my sweatshirt! You’re wearing a t-shirt and a flannel.”
“That’s because we’re canoeing! I dress in layers, because you never know how hot or cold you’re going to be. I’m already fricking freezing, so no way are you getting my flannel!”
“C’mon! There’s nothing else I can use out here!”
“I was joking before, but what the hell – use some cattails. Hell, squat in the water and scrub. How about you see how messy it is first and figure something from there?”
*"No way! I ain’t scrubbing my ass with my hand…
…
Five bucks."*
“Huh?”
“I’ll give you five bucks for the shirt.”
“Are you fricking kidding me? First off, the shirt costs more than five bucks. Second off, I’m already cold! You want me to keep going in just a t-shirt?! Hell man, gimme the five bucks, and then we can trade shirts. Then you can do whatever the hell you want with the flannel.”
“Aaaaaah! I’ve gotta fuckin’ go! Fine! Twenty bucks for your damn flannel!”
"…
Sold."
And that’s the story of how I made a guy I really didn’t like very much give me 20 bucks for a seven dollar flannel.
Not me (I swear!) but a friend of mine used poison oak!
Weirdest thing I used was when I was snowshoeing, I had to go, but there was no convenient plant life so I used my t-Shirt! Stuck it in a zip lock bag and burned it that night.
Rabelais devoted an entire chapter in his Gargantua and Pantagruel to this. Who says you can’t learn from classic literature.
They debated what was the best masterial to use. Let’s simply say that the rabbit in the joke has nothing on Rabelais’ geese.
Spanish Moss is quite effective here in the southeast US.
In response to KneadToKnow’s entry: My wife’s cousin was doing some engineering in India, and he had to travel a bit. It took him a little while to get used to squat toilets, and - how can I put it nicely? - it was the executive toilets that had a hose. Other less glamorous places had a sink for hand-washing. Still others simply had a sand-pile for scouring.
Now, he could have been exaggerating, sure, and I welcome anyone who would like to set me straight.
He’d been better off wiping with the 20. Or, if you’d been a pal, you could have changed it for 20 - dollar bills. That woulda worked nicely.
Slight hijack here…
I used to work with a guy who used to work with a guy frokm the mideast. Every day at around one o’clock he would announce “I am off to the men’s room for afternoon delight. Do you enjoy afternoon delight? I love afternoon delight! I may have to have afternoon delight twice today. Why don’t you join me in the men’s room for afternoon delight?”
Naturally, this became a favorite meme in the office.
Gives “keep the change” a whole new meaning.
Probably did, Jake, that was near the end of a ten day mountaineering trip and it likely was pretty worn. I memorized the route down first.
With the added benefit of any pieces that shear off would look completely natural hanging from your butt.