And it’s not even like we wanted to buy three to start with. Actually one, maybe two would do us. But they said if we wanted the two, we’d have to get three. Then they turn around and tell us they are giving us the other four for free, so we have the whole set.
“They” in this case is the Newspaper.
No one at Rancho DeDay has a burning need to keep abreast of the news. I mean, most of it doesn’t effect us in a direct way. Yeah, we like the weather forecast, but they tell us what the weather’s going to be like on the TV news. Or on the radio. The radio is pretty quick to tell us the weather. (It’s hot, and it’s gonna stay that way.) Of course then there’s the funnies. Only they aren’t all that funny, really. Our paper carries Baby Blues (which is funny because I recognize the situations), and Zits (which is what I get to look forward to) and The Dinette Set (I know these people) (unfortunately) and Speed Bump (that’s hit-or-miss with the funny) plus a whole other page of not funny “funnies” Like Garfield and Hi and Lois. When was the last time you laughed at Beetle Bailey? Or Blondie? (Yeah, she’s all hot, but even heat only goes so far without nudity. And no one wants to see Dagwood nekkid. No one.)
So we figured we only need the Friday paper because they put in the Weekend Magazine so we know what hip and happening hot spots there are around town that we aren’t going to, and the big ol’ Sunday paper because it’s the big ol’ Sunday paper. (It has the not-too-funny funnies in color, so it has that going for it. Plus the TV listings for the week.) You can just get the Sunday paper delivered, but if you want the Friday paper too, you have to bundle it up with Saturday for the whole Weekend Delivery. The Weekend Delivery with the Saturday paper we hardly ever get around to looking at still works out to be cheaper than buying a TV Guide, so we go with that. They try to get us to subscribe to the whole week’s worth of newspapers, but we don’t really need all that paper around the house (even with the puppy) so we stand firm and say “No, we just want the Weekend Delivery” and the Paper People, after four or five tries to get us to upgrade to the whole week, finally get the idea through their noggins and we get the paper delivered to our door (which is what they say, but our “door” isn’t at the end of our driveway, or even over in the grass by the corner) all weekend long.
Until the Paper People call us up. It usually takes them a week after we renew our subscription, but they always call. Because they are such nice people and they like us, as a courtesy to us, they decide it’s a good idea to give us the rest of the week for free. Yes, for the price of Weekend Delivery, we get the whole week’s worth of newspapers! How cool is that?
Of course, when the bill rolls around, they always try to stick us with the charge for the full week. Not that we asked for the full week, since it was their idea to deliver all those extra newspapers. So when the bill comes we just pay for Weekend Delivery again and the Paper People don’t like that and call us.
“Why don’t you want the whole week’s worth of papers anymore?” they ask.
“Because we never did,” is the answer. Actually the real answer is “Because we never did, stupid. And you’re just going to turn around and give us the extra days free again anyway, so why would we want to pay for it.” But we don’t say that. Calling someone, even one of the Paper People (although it’s really a Paper Minion who has to call us) “stupid” could hurt their feelings.
So we always get the whole week’s worth of newspapers. So we can stay informed on the happenings of our world.
If we ever, you know, actually read all the extra papers.
We also get the local paper for free. We couldn’t get them to stop throwing it at us if we tried. Every week it shows up. Every week it’s just chock full of Local News. Not enough stuff happens around here to fill up a whole newspaper every week. But still, every week, there it is, the Local Paper.
With no funnies in it, I don’t even bother to read that one at all.