IANA parent, but I’d never heard of any custom like this or anything similar in the US. Do I think a custmom like this makes sense for a prior era here or in less advanced countries today? You bet.
OTOH, last year a coworker told me his wife was pregnant with kid #3 but they weren’t going to tell their families. I was pretty amazed he’d tell me, but not his or her parents or their siblings. And I said so.
He said it was typical not to tell anyone close to you until about the 3rd month; about the time the bulge is noticeable. Not exactly a superstition, but still the idea was not to set people up for an emotional blow in case the fetus miscarried. And it was “bad luck.” He said doing that was common knowledge & “everybody does it that way.”
He’s a well-educated generic 3rd+ generation suburban USA type, as is his wife. Left me shaking my head it did.
I still don’t know whether he’s right and keeping pregnancies secret for months is common practice in the US or I’m right and his family is weird.
My wife had a high-risk pregnancy with our son. She had to have a cervical cerclage put in place. Her obstetrician told her that she would likely miscarry without it, but the surgery had its own risks. In particular, he told her that if the surgery resulted in an infection, she’d likely lose the baby.
Anyway, it was touch and go there for a while. The surgery went off without a hitch, and once she got past 28 weeks, we knew that every passing week made it that much more likely that the baby would survive if born prematurely.
We therefore didn’t have a baby shower or buy much of anything for the baby until after the 28th week or so, because we thought it would be bad luck. (Privately, I thought to myself that if she did lose the baby, the presence of all the baby stuff in the house would make it that much more painful for my wife.)
We ended up buying everything for the baby in the last 4-6 weeks before the baby was born, and I found myself putting together a crib and bassinet only a week or two before the birth.
(The baby was fine, BTW. Now he’s a teenager, actually.)
I’ve known lots and lots of people who don’t tell anyone (except the other parent) until the second trimester, especially if they’ve had previous miscarriages or the pregnancy is in any way risky. It’s to protect themselves from being repeatedly asked how the pregnancy’s going and have to go through telling people again and again. First-trimester miscarriages are widespread even in ‘advanced’ countries.
I guess you might tell a coworker because a miscarried pregnancy might mean that you have time off work… or you might tell them just because they’re there and you’re excited.
The reasons isn’t that he bulge is noticeable - it almost definitely wouldn’t be in the third month - but because miscarriage becomes much less likely at that stage.
When I was on OB rotation in nursing school, I had a young Indian couple who had just had a baby and had nothing for that baby. we had to dress the baby for discharge in a donated sleeper and receiving blanket. The hospital nuse told me with scorn that “that’s just how the Indians are, they never have anything, they want us to give them clothes.” I suspected it might be a cultural issue about not having things before the baby arrived, but was never able to find out. So, can anybody enlighten me? Just in case of any confusion, these were people from India or environs.
I believe there is some kind of superstition about this in China, as well. Usually the “baby shower”-type celebration occurs 100 days after the baby’s birth rather than anytime before. Regardless, my wife and I stocked up on everything for the baby beforehand and he should be born in less than a week!
I did the last minute before (twins in my case) arrival nursery blitz. I wasn’t motivated by any superstition that I was conscious of. We live in a small apartment so I think part of it was not giving up my space until the last possible second. Another part was I can’t imagine very many things more depressing than a room full of baby stuff and no baby. Another part was procrastination. Another part was it’s not like you need a whole lot for an infant so it’s not that massive of an undertaking. I suspect a great many infants start out sleeping in the parents’ room anyway.
We kept the pregnancy under wraps for a few months. It was just a matter of being hopeful but at the same time not getting everybody else’s hopes up. There’s a lot that can happen, although I think most of the time nothing does. We had a scare when a sonogram wasn’t showing complete formation of one of the umbilical cords and a doctor suggested we might have to terminate the pregnancy. It turned out to be ok. One of the worst weeks of my life.
As someone alluded to above, there seems to be a thing about not naming the baby till it’s born - that’s what our Indian friends did anyway, and there also seemed to be a thing that her name was actually infulenced by the date and time of her birth (some sort of astrological thing? My friend is very into astrology as well)
Very astrological. Many Indian babies don’t even get a name right at birth. I got a baby name, which everyone called me, and didn’t get one until I had my head shaved and the pundit did his rites over me.
Western Indians living in the States certainly don’t have a problem with buying things before the baby is born, but it is fairly limited in the couples I have seen, and mostly they stick to the necessities.
Yeah, at 35 weeks tomorrow, we’ve already had our American baby shower, but we won’t have a party with the Indian side of the family until after the baby is born.
Anaamika- I’m not sure if it was a regional custom, or a widespread thing, but not only did the babies I deliverd in India (rural Maharashtra province) not have names, they also didn’t have clothes. They were literally wrapped in rags for the first month.
I was assured that this had nothing to do with poverty, but was about not calling the attention of evil spirits onto the baby (and probably also not getting too attached) at a dangerous time.
I’m afraid I’m one of the few who didn’t do much before irishbaby’s arrival. The nursery was painted, the changing table was stocked, the carseat and pram ordered, and 2 vests and babygros were bought. That was it.
Irishfella collected the pram and carseat the day after the birth, and set up the Moses’ basket by our bed the day we came home form hospital. We got plenty of “new baby” gifts and hand-me-downs, but all after the birth.
My parents lost their third child, and I know putting away all of the baby things was something my mother found particularly awful.
FWIW, a couple I went to college with couldn’t conceive and were trying to adopt. One day the woman got a call at work, telling her to come to the hospital NOW! and get the baby. The guy had to take the afternoon off to work to hastily shop for a car seat, crib, etc.
This was (according to tv anyway) the stereotypical way for the husband to find out the wife was pregnant. He comes home and finds his wife knitting tiny booties.
Seeing as how they got to skip 9 months of pregnancy, labour and delivery and jump right to the part where they got to go home with a newborn…I think they won. Best shopping trip ever!
My cousin had to do the same thing (set up quickly for a baby) when, 20 minutes after arriving at the ER complaining of back pain, she gave birth to a 5lb 11oz baby girl that she had no idea she was expecting. A series of awkward phone calls ensued, and by the afternoon friends and family had gifted them almost everything they needed for the baby.
My mom never bought clothes for us until after birth because she was never sure what size we’d be when we were born. Seeing as my slightly older sister was born premature, barely weighing 2 lbs., and I was nearly 10 lbs. when I was born, I believe she made a smart choice. Neither of us fit into the newborn category of clothing when we were born.
The only places where I’ve seen baby showers have been the US (where the Mexican mother-to-be was as surprised as I was and also needed the notion explained slowly) and Costa Rica (where US influence is enormouos).
In Spain people won’t call it “bad luck” but it is considered unwise to buy more than the bare minimum before the baby is due (the “canastilla”). Items such as the cradle are ordered, but some people don’t call for the delivery of the items until the baby itself is delivered and others arrange for the delivery to be timed a bit before the baby is due. After all, until very recently you couldn’t even be sure how many babies you were getting or how big they were until they were outside. Buying “newborn” sizes for a baby with normal-sized or tall parents will mean that those clothes never get worn unless the baby rushes through (they will be too small). And yeah, they even tell you the gender, but we all know several Johns who were expected to be Janes and vice versa.
My youngest brother was born in 1976 (no ultrasounds yet), the last of four boys born in the same building that year. The canastilla Mom still had from Middlebro was used by all four, as were the smallest clothes, but only the canastilla would go to each house in turn before the baby actually arrived; the rest would get moved once the mother and baby were hale, healthy and of known size (no point in moving the smallest clothes for Cuco, who was enormous).
Canastilla means “little basket”, literally. It used to be a soft woven basket, which could be used both to hold the items and as a cradle for the baby. Nowadays such a cradle wouldn’t be legal and the “basket” has become cloth.
LOL … back in 1997 my son spent his first week home sleeping in the woven basket that his baby presents came in because my fricking mother-in-law wouldn’t let us buy a crib in advance.
