What do you wish you'd been told when you were expecting?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My sister is about 8 weeks into having the first grandkid in our family. We’re all excited for her.

Now, imagine you had few “baby” books and little access to the internet, etc. (I’m sure she’ll get some books eventually, and she is seeing a midwife. From being here, I think I’ll caution her away from the “mommy boards.”)

What do you wish someone had told you, looking back on it now? I’m looking for situations either during pregancy or shortly after childbirth. What do you wish you’d bought instead of that other thing? What’s essential to you? What weird things did your body and/or hormones do that you wish someone had warned you about?

Plus points for people who’ve been single moms from the get-go, since this is basically the situation. (Baby daddy is on board, but she’s not married nor do they live together. Tips for dealing with that are useful too.)

She’s so happy and I think she’ll be a great mommy. She’s got a lot of family support. I want to knit her a baby blanket (patterns can be posted in the CS forum, thanks in advance) but I’d really like to give her some real-world knowledge of having babies in the last 5 years or so.

ETA: Breastfeeding and co-sleeping debates are right out. If you need to go beyond suggesting them, take it somewhere else.

2

There is no ONE solution that works for every mother and child. Some babies seem to need pacifiers, some don’t care for them at all. Some babies learn to breast feed easily, others never seem to catch on. Some moms learn to breast feed easily, some need help, and others find that formula works better for their situation.

Get daddy on the birth certificate, and get him to acknowledge his child. He’s more likely to do this in the haze of new parenthood. Maybe she doesn’t think that she’ll need his support now, but it’s a good idea to have him on the paperwork from the start.

For me, morning sickness didn’t just happen in the mornings, and it didn’t go away in the later months.

I had a diaper service for about the first 15 months, and it was great. Diaper service makes a great gift, by the way.

3

I read Naomi Wolf’s book, Misconceptions.. She warns against the overmedicalisation of pregnancy; how cesareans are almost common routine in the US and so rare in Europe. She argues that cesareans are done for the benefit of medical staff, not for the mother and child’s benefit.

4

That in spite of my best efforts, my body knew exactly what to do, how to do it and really, dear, shush.

oh, and get the drugs.

Don’t get your heart set on ANYTHING. Pregnancy/Motherhood has a way of finding out.

Relax!

5

My good friend, who has a 6 month old, told me she really wished she’d known how heartbreaking and emotionally draining it can be if the baby has trouble latching. She’s a strong woman, but this broke her down. She was a wreck.

Eventually it all worked out, but she cried on the phone to me about how she was a failure as a mother. It was so sad.

6

Things I wish I’d known about pregnancy:

Morning sickness is not limited to the morning.

Your legs *are *getting fat - they’re just hidden in proportion to your belly. All will be revealed after the birth.

While pregnancy is not an excuse for temporary insanity, it is a cause. Just remember to apologize and clean up your mess later.

Things I wish I’d known about labor and delivery:

The worst part of delivery isn’t the labor, it isn’t the pushing - it’s the moment when the baby’s head is out and the neck is stretching the vagina and then they tell you to STOP PUSHING when all you want is for it to be over. They tell you to stop pushing so they can extricate the shoulders without breaking a clavicle, but man, I wish I’d known that ahead of time cause A. it hurt a lot and B. I thought something was wrong with the baby.

You have to push out the placenta, too. It doesn’t just fall out. So once you think you’re done, it’s time to start pushing again. (It is, however, much easier to push than the baby.)

There’s no reason, most of the time, to cut the cord right away. I really like the idea of waiting a few minutes until the pulsing has stopped. I dunno why, it just feels like that’s the right time - baby’s blood goes all into baby and mom’s blood goes all back into the placenta. As long as mom isn’t bleeding much and the baby is breathing, there’s just no rush.

No you DON’T have to weigh, clean, and mess with most babies right away. He’ll be perfectly happy right here on Mama’s tummy and if you touch him without my consent, I WILL file assault charges, you heartless harpy! Ahem. Yes, bottom line, most deliveries are uneventful and don’t let the medical staff boss you around so they can go on break faster. Let them go on break and then come back and wash the baby. He’ll be warm and snuggly on you 'till then, and a little blood on your hospital gown won’t hurt either of you.

Many babies (not all) if put on Mama’s belly right after birth will crawl up and find a nipple. It’s freaking amazing to watch a new newborn crawl like a blind puppy.

Things I wish I’d known about parenting a newborn:

Yes, you will use receiving blankets. No, you won’t use newborn mittens.

The bouncy chair will fit in the bathroom, and the baby will happily coo and google at you if you take a shower with the curtain open and talk to the baby the whole time. Don’t worry if he gets splashed, babies are waterproof.

Some babies hate baths. It’s sometimes easier to carefully shower with the baby - but make sure someone else is there to take him before you get out of the slippery tub.

And finally, the big one: Whatever works for you, your baby and your family is what’s “right”. Forget what the books, your sister-in-law, the mommy boards, strangers in Target and I have to say. As long as it works for you and it doesn’t make your pediatrician dial family services, you’re doing it right. This goes quadruple for single mothers. If you work second shift, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the baby up until midnight if the two of you can sleep in until noon.

7

No one ever told me that hemorrhoids happen to pregnant women. That wasn’t one of the more cheerful bits of news, but I would have liked to know.

While it’s probably true that there are too many convenience c-sections in the US, they can also be life-saving and very necessary indeed. It’s best not to get too set on having the perfect natural birth–you’re not really in charge–and if a c-section is really needed, it’s not a failure and shouldn’t be fought. I knew a girl who refused a c-section for a whole week because she “couldn’t imagine anything worse.” I can think of something worse. By all means make a natural birth your goal; but don’t count on it and don’t think you can control events.

And, enjoy it! Amazing stuff is happening!

8

That it doesn’t matter if you need a c-section, as long as the baby is healthy on the other end what difference does it make how they got here?

To relax. No one notices if your house isn’t clean and you didn’t cook supper - you are tired and justifiably so.

That the restrictions the doctor puts on your movements are not suggestions - you should listen to your body but also be aware that some repairs are not visible

9

I really thought that, too; in fact, I opened a thread on babycenter with that as the title, and the thing went berserko. Talk about passions!

The thing that nobody could clarify for me, and that I now know, is that because I had a C-section, I was a PATIENT, not just someone who’d given birth. That made it harder for me to establish breastfeeding, for a variety of reasons. Some women who deliver vaginally have complications, too, but still – that’s the thing women should know before they decide what to do.

Trying to think of anything that surprised me ---- becoming a mother is like joining the world’s largest sorority. All of a sudden, women, womanhood has more value. Everywhere you go, you run into women who’ve been where you are. It’s a wonderful feeling of sisterhood. Old ladies are the best. I still like taking the twins (age 3) to the grocery store during prime geriatric hour, the grandmas love to jabber with them. Young ladies, your peers, can be the worst, because they’re scared, too, and one of the ways people reassure themselves is by criticizing others and being competitive. It all calms down after a couple of years.

Tell you one thing that surprised me - babies are still babies until they’re 2 years old! I didn’t realize that all the kids you see on TV are 3 and up, I thought those were 1-yr-olds. I kept expecting older behavior, in fact I’m still doing it :frowning: .

I really liked Vicki Iovine’s books (humor and compassion for moms) and Dr. Sears’ Baby Book (great medical glossary, really helpful at 2 a.m. when the baby’s coughing). Louise Bates Ames’s series is reassuring (child development). Oh – and Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block has got GREAT advice on soothing newborns. Seriously, it works - my relatives were amazed!

10

I really, really wish that someone had warned me more about the hormone surges during the first few weeks after delivery. It was alluded to in my childbirth class, but they just said, “You might get the shakes.” Shakes my butt. I was sobbing over everything for a couple of weeks. I called my doctor to ask if I had post-partum depression and he said, “No, what you’re experiencing is pretty normal.”

I thought I was going insane.

There are a few other things I wish I’d known about immediately post-delivery, but they have to do with somewhat-rare complications.

11

I wish someone had told me to get one of those inflatable, doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushions to sit on for the week or so after birth. I did that with #2, and was so much more comfortable.

And if breastfeeding, buy a tube of Lansinoh.

12

I wish I’d been told that it was normal to get morning sickness in the afternoon, and to puke until there was nothing left, and to do so until the 4th or 5th month. Several cow orkers (I’m spelling it that way on purpose) who’d had children before me and apparently were blessed with stronger stomachs got on my case for “whining” and hinted that I was only doing it for the attention. Yeah, because it’s so much fun to interrupt an interview to throw up, and to have to pull over by the side of the freeway and upchuck out the passenger window. You get a lot of sympathy that way. :rolleyes: :smack:

13

Slight hijack, but what the hell, it’s my thread.

This

reminded me of another woman I know who had similar problems. Either the baby wasn’t latching or she just wasn’t making enough milk. She felt awful too. Is this because of the modern insistence on breastfeeding (she said someone had told her that if you couldn’t breastfeed you just weren’t trying hard enough) or is there another, more physical/emotional/hormonal reason?

(Neither my sisters nor I were breastfed - Mom tried, but couldn’t.)

Thank all of you for the great information!

14

My first baby had a really hard time latching on, and it was very depressing for me. I cried a lot! I think feeling awful comes from all the factors you mentioned. It is drummed into your head how important it is, plus your hormones are going whacko, and you’re exhausted. Not having experience with it, you don’t know if you are doing it right, and you can’t really tell if the baby is getting enough (chances are, they are, but you can’t tell for sure). Not a recipe for success, really. But sticking with it is the key, I think…the baby actually helps you figure it all out.

Of course, all babies are different. I have one now (6 weeks old) who latched on at birth and has pretty much never let go. My problem with him was very very sore nipples, which have finally started to feel better over the last week. At the beginning, I decided to stick it out with the pain for two months, and see how it went. Glad I did, so I guess my advice is, whatever problems your sister may encounter (if she decides to breastfeed), encourage her to stick it out…it almost always gets better.

15

Eight hours of sleep at one time for the next four years will be a VERY RARE event.

You will be so tired you fall asleep at stoplights.

Things that never worried you before will start to cause you to lose sleep.

You never get to stop being Mom - not for a moment. You carry both the joy and the burden (the worry - what if they die, what if I die, what if I lose my job, what if I screw them up…)

Baby sleep apnea is normal.

Women gave birth on the journey West 150 years ago, stopping on the side of the trail. They got back into the wagon, travelled hundreds of miles, and started farms. They did this without bouncy seats, pack and plays, exerscaucers, or the entire Target baby section of sleepers and cute pairs of overalls. (Yes, lots of them did die, but not for lack of a bouncy seat).

16

The tiredness you feel during your pregnancy lasts for months after the baby is born. I’m talkin’ drop-in-your-tracks tired. Nap when the baby naps and let the non-essential household duties go. Full recovery from giving birth varies from woman to woman, but it’s not unusual for it to last for six months. Embrace the nap!

17

There is this crazy ideal floating around, and newbie moms are very susceptible to the pressure – especially while they’re still hormonal (which I thought lasted until the kids were almost 2).

The ideal says you have a smooth pregnancy, exercising daily and working until the end. You set up a tidy little nursery at home with only the best, safest, most up-to-date items. Then on delivery day, you push out that baby in a couple of hours, it latches, you gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and know that you’re now a Mother. You go home to a clean house to eat organic foods and rock your baby (just like on the cover of those books) until it’s time to go off maternity leave, at which point you deposit the baby at daycare (a loving, nurturing, safe environment where no other kid ever has the sniffles) and resume your career just like before.

Utter bullshit.

The reality is bloody, messy and bumpy, full of crying fits and projectile vomit.
BUT, it’s wonderful nonetheless (muchthemore, actually).

It’s not unusual for women, sometimes even experienced moms, to feel like a failure when the scenario doesn’t materialize, especially when their bodies let them down.

That’s why I adore Vicki Iovine. I really should write her a letter - she has a chapter on “Baby Blues” that I read over & over again one night, as I sat there bawling my eyes out. She described every single thing I went through.

18

sign the papers for the epidural. In advance. No matter how you feel about it. No matter that you are planning on not using it. No matter that you think drugs are causing the downfall of humanity. Sign them. If you don’t need it, that’s a minute and some ink wasted. If you need them and they are not signed, that means an hour or two screaming for a pen.

Register for presents. Feel free to exchange, re-gift or store away stuff you didn’t want. Strangers have no right to determine your baby’s wardrobe or room decor. Knit shoes are cute but friends who care bring you diapers and wipes.

19

Actually somebody DID tell me this and I’m so grateful because I might not have figured it out by myself.

Being a mom is a 24/7 job. Like any job, you have a right to time off. Especially as a single mom I think it is essential that she plan for and schedule “time off”. It certainly doesn’t have to be overnight, but it does need to be fairly frequent. Once a week is good, once every two weeks at the outside.

And going to work does not count as “time off”

(Nor does donating blood I keep telling my husband, even though it requires child care)

20

This is so very true. I was in labor for about 32 hours. Originally, I had sworn up and down that I would have a natural birth, absolutely no drugs or intervention. And I almost did, until the 30th hour when my body started to shut down. My blood pressure was already crazy high, but it had climbed even higher from the pain and I was so weak I could hardly get to my knees when the contractions came. When I finally got the epidural (thank god I had signed those papers before getting to the hospital), all the pain slipped away. Then I delivered, went into recovery and while they had the baby at the nursery, had a seizure. I couldn’t even remember being pregnant when it was over, and I had no idea who that screaming child was.

After I understood and after a two-week-long migraine (it took a while for the blood pressure to come down), I felt so horribly guilty for not knowing who my kid was and not being able to nurse properly because I could hardly sit up. I barely even knew who I was or where I was.

Anyway, I learned a few things from that experience:

  1. There’s no shame in formula. We supplemented until my baby weaned himself because my milk didn’t come in properly in part due to nursing issues from the ecclampsia and in part because I wasn’t permitted solids for about a week after the ecclampsia and my head hurt so bad I couldn’t eat solids for another week after that.

  2. If things happen the way you plan them to during delivery and after, you are very, very lucky.

  3. Before you give birth, understand that you have choices as to how you are handled if there is a complication and make sure everyone (including you and whoever is with you) understands what those choices are and what your wishes are. My husband and I went along with the recommended treatment after the ecclampsia and I strongly believe that that contritubed largely to such a slow recovery. I wasn’t permitted to move from my bed after delivery for a week and couldn’t hold myself upright in the wheelchair when they finally discharged me. I wish I had planned for that complication since I knew I was probably at higher risk than most women (I already have a seizure disorder, even though I hadn’t had a seizure for almost 5 years).