What do you wish you'd been told when you were expecting?

[Elza_B]

@dangermom

No one ever told me that hemorrhoids happen to pregnant women. That wasn’t one of the more cheerful bits of news, but I would have liked to know.

Ummm…yeah. And no one told me that I might still have them NINE MONTHS LATER. :o

While it’s probably true that there are too many convenience c-sections in the US, they can also be life-saving and very necessary indeed. It’s best not to get too set on having the perfect natural birth–you’re not really in charge–and if a c-section is really needed, it’s not a failure and shouldn’t be fought. I knew a girl who refused a c-section for a whole week because she “couldn’t imagine anything worse.” I can think of something worse. By all means make a natural birth your goal; but don’t count on it and don’t think you can control events.

I’m a prime example of this. I was DETERMINED to have a natural, no drugs water birth, and I’d be damned if anything was going to get in my way.

I ended up with an epidural and C-section with general anesthesia, so I wasn’t even awake for my son’s birth, and it took me months to heal emotionally from it. I don’t think I ever WILL totally heal from it, but at least I can accept things now for what they were.

Also - don’t be surprised if you don’t bond with the baby immediately. It took me weeks to bond completely with my son, and I think mostly it was due to my rough delivery. I would cry those first couple of weeks because I didn’t feel that amazing warm glow that all of my friends talked about - I thought there was something wrong with me. I loved him, but he felt like a baby I was just taking care of, not MY baby.

(And now, I am so bonded with him, it’s not even funny…at one point when he was about six weeks old, it just clicked. Now I understand exactly what everyone meant by that mom/baby bond.)

[Foxy40]

Well, let me add some practical things:

1. Don’t buy nursing pads. use panty liners and cut them in half to put in your bra.
2. Bottles and nipples get sterilized just fine in the dishwasher.
3. Use dove soap on the baby’s skin. It is less expensive than baby wash. (from our MD)
   4.Invest in a baby swing and get the kid in it asap.
4. Play pens are your friend. If you wait until they are used to have freedom, it is too late to use them.
5. Ask people to buy larger sizes of baby clothes as gifts. Newborn clothes are a waste of money.
6. Cheap diapers are usually not as good.
7. Swaddle.
8. Get an epi, don’t get an epi, nurse, don’t nurse, family bed, no family bed. Don’t let people tell you what to do with your own family.
9. It is easier to get the burp sometimes when the baby is in a sitting position on your lap.

That’s it off the top of my head. Makes me miss having an infant. Best of luck to your sis.

[Dangerosa]

@overlyverbose

3. Before you give birth, understand that you have choices as to how you are handled if there is a complication and make sure everyone (including you and whoever is with you) understands what those choices are and what your wishes are. My husband and I went along with the recommended treatment after the ecclampsia and I strongly believe that that contritubed largely to such a slow recovery. I wasn’t permitted to move from my bed after delivery for a week and couldn’t hold myself upright in the wheelchair when they finally discharged me. I wish I had planned for that complication since I knew I was probably at higher risk than most women (I already have a seizure disorder, even though I hadn’t had a seizure for almost 5 years).

But you can’t plan for every contignency and sometimes the doctors speak from experience.

I have a friend with a severely disabled daughter. High risk pregancy where the doctor wanted to do a scheduled C - but she believed “natural childbirth is best” and went and found a midwife willing to deliver (she went through several looking before she found one willing to deal with her complications). When things went bad (and she had the checklist for high risk - older mother, previous c section, small hips, morbid obesity, gestastional diabetes, eclampsia), she had made it clear she didn’t want a c-section. They put it off WAY too long - no doctor in the room, a midwife who didn’t believe in c-sections…

Her wishes were not followed in the end - she got a c-section. But trying to meet her wishes created big issues.

[Max_Torque]

Here’s something for after the delivery, which I had to tell my wife just yesterday: you need to sleep, and if sometimes that means being a little rude to your mom or your sister, then be a little rude. Just say, “Okay, now that she’s sleeping, I have GOT to catch a nap. Do you want to watch her, or should I take her to lay down with me?”

Yeah, it’s a new baby, the first grandchild, everyone’s really excited and wants to see her all the time and ooh and aah and blah blah blah. Doesn’t change the fact that Momma needs to sleep. She can’t entertain visitors all day and stay up with baby all night. Something’s gotta give.

And the most important advice, with thanks to Dr. Spock: TRUST YOURSELF.

[overlyverbose]

@Dangerosa

But you can’t plan for every contignency and sometimes the doctors speak from experience.

I have a friend with a severely disabled daughter. High risk pregancy where the doctor wanted to do a scheduled C - but she believed “natural childbirth is best” and went and found a midwife willing to deliver (she went through several looking before she found one willing to deal with her complications). When things went bad (and she had the checklist for high risk - older mother, previous c section, small hips, morbid obesity, gestastional diabetes, eclampsia), she had made it clear she didn’t want a c-section. They put it off WAY too long - no doctor in the room, a midwife who didn’t believe in c-sections…

Her wishes were not followed in the end - she got a c-section. But trying to meet her wishes created big issues.

You’re right - you can’t plan for every contingency. But to clarify, I knew I was at higher risk for a certain situation, but knowing that, I didn’t plan for it. That was my failing and I strongly feel that if I had planned for it, I would have been much, much better off.

I recognize that the doctors caring for me did what they did for a reason (years of experience), but I also know my own body better than they do. I’m not completely unreasonable, but I would have at least liked to think that I was more than just a condition.

[Renee]

@Dangerosa

But you can’t plan for every contignency and sometimes the doctors speak from experience.

I have a friend with a severely disabled daughter. High risk pregancy where the doctor wanted to do a scheduled C - but she believed “natural childbirth is best” and went and found a midwife willing to deliver (she went through several looking before she found one willing to deal with her complications). When things went bad (and she had the checklist for high risk - older mother, previous c section, small hips, morbid obesity, gestastional diabetes, eclampsia), she had made it clear she didn’t want a c-section. They put it off WAY too long - no doctor in the room, a midwife who didn’t believe in c-sections…

Her wishes were not followed in the end - she got a c-section. But trying to meet her wishes created big issues.

That’s awful. (This whole thread is kind of awful, and firmly reinforcing my decision not to reproduce.) Did the putting off of the c-section cause the disability, or would the child have been disabled anyway? I can’t imagine the guilt of that if it’s the former.

[Mouse_Maven]

@fessie

There is this crazy ideal floating around, and newbie moms are very susceptible to the pressure – especially while they’re still hormonal (which I thought lasted until the kids were almost 2).

The ideal says you have a smooth pregnancy, exercising daily and working until the end. You set up a tidy little nursery at home with only the best, safest, most up-to-date items. Then on delivery day, you push out that baby in a couple of hours, it latches, you gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and know that you’re now a Mother. You go home to a clean house to eat organic foods and rock your baby (just like on the cover of those books) until it’s time to go off maternity leave, at which point you deposit the baby at daycare (a loving, nurturing, safe environment where no other kid ever has the sniffles) and resume your career just like before.

Utter bullshit.

The reality is bloody, messy and bumpy, full of crying fits and projectile vomit.
BUT, it’s wonderful nonetheless (muchthemore, actually).

It’s not unusual for women, sometimes even experienced moms, to feel like a failure when the scenario doesn’t materialize, especially when their bodies let them down.

That’s why I adore Vicki Iovine. I really should write her a letter - she has a chapter on “Baby Blues” that I read over & over again one night, as I sat there bawling my eyes out. She described every single thing I went through.

Thank you x 1000!!! It’s such a relief to hear someone being realistic about this. I get tired of hearing, “Oh, you must be soooo excited.” No, I’m not. I’m scared, tired and moody as hell. Touch my expanding abdomen and I’ll pummel you into a bloody plup.

Things I wish I was told:
Maternity clothes are designed for the thrid trimester. Up until then, buy bigger pants with a low waist and large t-shirts.

Your breasts will grow. In my case: A LOT!!!

Start thinking about what you want to do for the delivery. Include who you want present. I only want Mouse_Spouse to be with me, no family, no friends, no fucking cameras. Many people are disappointed, but its the birth of our child, not a Discovery show.

[fessie]

@Mouse_Maven

Thank you x 1000!!! It’s such a relief to hear someone being realistic about this. I get tired of hearing, “Oh, you must be soooo excited.”

I’m so glad that was helpful to you!

The OYMBSE response can be really tedious and a lot of (very unrealistic) pressure.

OTOH, it probably beats “Oh, you should HEAR about the terrible thing(s) that happened to me/my neighbor/my best friend” :smack: . When I was pregnant, I stayed away from all negative birth stories relating to twins, and I’m REALLY glad I did. The LAST thing a pregnant woman needs is bad news about someone else’s pregnancy and/or birth. Stick with your OWN doctor’s opinions about YOUR specific condition. Every woman is different.

It might seem a little hypocritical for me to say that at while at the same time cautioning Risha about planning her pregnancy over in GD. It’s one thing to do your research ahead of time, as Risha is doing — once you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant, and there’s no point fretting about trying to be “perfect” at that point.

[Potato_Pancakes]

Can a guy mention some things he wishes he’d been told when his significant other found out she was expecting?

Be forewarned that due to hormone changes after childbirth, she will be mentally insane. Prepare to not take any of this personally.

Get the drugs. That person everyone knows who brags about having a natural childbirth needs to shut up. Explain to that person that childbirth without drugs wasn’t terribly painful for her because she has a large vagina.

I must agree with the person who says newborn clothes is a waste of money. Those little suckers grow so fast it’s pointless to dress them in anything for their first 3 months other than a gown.

There’s a million stupid products for gullible moms and dads on the market that are “specially made” for delicate little babies. Don’t be a sucker. Your infant doesn’t need “special” water for $2.50 a gallon. Drinking water will do just fine. I’ve seen this with juice too. Just get the 100% regular juice and dilute it a little with some water when they’re ready for it.

Many of the store brand diapers are great. There’s really no reason to pay for brand name diapers or wipes, especially when you consider what your child will do to them.

There’s too much advice. The key thing to remember, which someone already said, is that everyone’s experience is different.

[Dangerosa]

@Renee

That’s awful. (This whole thread is kind of awful, and firmly reinforcing my decision not to reproduce.) Did the putting off of the c-section cause the disability, or would the child have been disabled anyway? I can’t imagine the guilt of that if it’s the former.

She should have had a planned c-section as the doctor recommended and never gone into labor - the baby was without oxygen for a fairly long period of time. But “doctors only recommend c-sections for their own convienence.” (The baby went into fetal distress during labor).

But she has no guilt because she is convinced “they did” something wrong. And malpractice will settle. She’s one of those “you can’t tell her” people (and honestly, under the circumstances, I wouldn’t tell her, I’d NEVER say these things to her. To her we say her baby is wonderful and make no further comments).

Maternity clothes are designed for the thrid trimester. Up until then, buy bigger pants with a low waist and large t-shirts.

Hate to break this to you, but maternity clothes last about three weeks. After that they don’t fit you either. Particularly maternity PANTS. I spent my last two months in the same two jumpers cause nothing else fit. Also, maternity underwear becomes uncomfortable (a lot of people wear normal bikini’s that fall below the waist - I found those to be less comfortable than the maternity underwear).

[CairoCarol]

1. All the fancy teething gel, special frozen teething toys and so forth don’t help. Save your money.

2. Even a baby (or child) that is well-cared for may be oddly stinky sometimes. Just bathe them and don’t be embarrassed.

[WhyNot]

@Potato Pancakes

There’s a million stupid products for gullible moms and dads on the market that are “specially made” for delicate little babies. Don’t be a sucker. Your infant doesn’t need “special” water for $2.50 a gallon. Drinking water will do just fine. I’ve seen this with juice too. Just get the 100% regular juice and dilute it a little with some water when they’re ready for it.

This includes that expensive Dreft baby detergent, by the way. When I had a micropreemie, I was prepared to shell out for that stuff, figuring her skin might be more sensitive than full terms babies’ (no real reason, but you start to think of preemies as far more fragile, when in fact they’re usually not.) Anyway, I asked the hospital what special detergent they use to wash the clothes and blankets in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. “Tide, with lots of bleach”, was the answer, “They go in the regular hospital laundry, no difference.” Sweet.

[Caricci]

My only baby tip is, if the baby doesn’t burp after you really try to get it to and it doesn’t seem to be bothered by that fact (seem to have cramping or whatever), maybe you can lay off the burping so much.

[Dangerosa]

@Caricci

My only baby tip is, if the baby doesn’t burp after you really try to get it to and it doesn’t seem to be bothered by that fact (seem to have cramping or whatever), maybe you can lay off the burping so much.

And related advice, you really smack those little backs hard to bring up a burp. Little tiny delicate “I don’t want to hurt the fragile baby” pats aren’t going to do it.

(Best technique with both my kids was to lay them across my lap so they had weight right at their tummy from my leg - then give them a few raps).

(Of course, this is within reason, but watch your Mom the first time - or a nurse - they don’t “pat gently”)

[Sapo]

And remember, once your baby is two years old, stop using maternity clothes!!!

[rivulus]

@Mouse_Maven

Thank you x 1000!!! It’s such a relief to hear someone being realistic about this. I get tired of hearing, “Oh, you must be soooo excited.” No, I’m not. I’m scared, tired and moody as hell.

Oh, my god, I couldn’t agree more. Everyone is saying I should be excited and that this is a most wonderful time, etc., etc. Nope. I’m coping (or not!) with concerns surrounding a high-risk pregnancy – layered with the typical dose of hormones – and I find myself freaking out from sheer fear and worry, bottoming out into exhausted crying spells or having bizarre dreams about miscarrying and fostering puppies instead. This. Is. Not. Fun.

[Nightingale]

What do I wish someone had warned me about? Hemorrhoids, as someone else mentioned. They don’t just happen after the baby either. And yeast infections. JEEZ. I spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy miserable because of them, because for some reason my body chemistry changed enough to make me extremely susceptible. (I’d never had one before my second pregnancy). Tell your sister to start eating yogurt NOW.

And I want to echo what so many others are saying about breastfeeding. It was important to me, I wanted to breastfeed exclusively, and pump when I returned to work. What happened was that I got kids who didn’t latch well and left me in tears from the pain. I got through it with the first and then breastfeeding ended when I couldn’t respond to the pump after I went back to work. It was a bad time for me because I felt like a failure. This time around, my daughter (who is 3 1/2 weeks old) was finally figuring out how to latch when she decided she wasn’t getting enough to eat. I spent about a week nursing her every hour before supplementing with a bottle, and once she tried that she decided she like it better. So now we’re hardly breastfeeding at all. It isn’t what I hoped for but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Sometimes you try and it doesn’t work out, that’s all.

[cher3]

The bizarre dreams are par for the course, I think. I certainly had them and I didn’t have particularly stressful pregnancies.

I also second what someone said upthread about being somewhat insane in the week or so right after the birth. Like PMS to the 10th. (I’m not talking about post-partum depression, which I did not have, just ordinary hormonal craziness.) I was more prepared the second time and also feeling better physically, so I would try to head out for at least a short walk.

One good thing I did the first time around was to make and freeze a bunch of meals–lasagna, curries, soup, etc. They were very handy in the first week or so when it was hard to get out and shop.

[Stainz]

The very best advice I heard or read was “When a baby cries it doesn’t mean she’s sad, her emotions aren’t developed enough yet, so don’t feel like you’re letting her down or hurting her somehow. She is just trying to tell you that she needs something, either a diaper change, a feeding, or a snuggle & a nap.”

It was probably more prosaic than that, but it really helped me not take her crying personally, I was usually able to stay calm and methodically go through each possibility until she was happy again.

I wish I’d kept a pregnancy journal, not only with “facts” like weight gain, doctor’s visits, etc, but with my feelings. That would’ve been neat to look back on I think.

I wish I’d had a video camera handy for when my baby was first born. I thought it would be an experience I’d never forget, but I did - the labour & delivery went nothing like I’d hoped ( I was induced 5 weeks early ). I would give anything to have a record of her first minutes.

In terms of preparation, if I could go back I would buy:
bigger receiving blankets (many of ours were too small for swaddling, even though our baby was only 5 pounds)
more undershirts (totally underestimated how many we’d use up in just 1 day)
more sleepers (ditto)
more crib sheets & mattress pads

I would NOT buy:
crib bumpers (too dangerous)
hats
clothes
soaps, etc (people gave us tons of these things)
the baby bath thing for our sink - I think we used it twice
a high chair (we didn’t use it until she was 7 months or so)

Regarding taking care of a newborn, I didn’t worry about going out, or even showering every day to be honest. Once I got “brave” and was ready to take her out, as soon as she went down for a nap I had my shower, got her diaper bag packed, her bottles ready, so that as soon as she woke up, off we went.

[overlyverbose]

I also wish someone had told me to just suck it up and leave the house after a while. Babies are remarkably portable and, after the first few times, you know more or less what to take with you, so you’re not tied to the house by any means. Plus, in my experience, when they’re that small, they’re much more likely to sleep anywhere than when they get older.

After the hormonal and ecclampsia nuttiness wore off and after I adjusted to not sleeping, I was really stir crazy. It took me forever to realize that, yes, it was possible to get out of the house with a six-week-old child. Not as easy as when it was just me, but hardly insurmountable.

Oh, and in general, you can tell if a baby’s sick a lot better by behavior than by temperature. Of course, if a kid has a temperature of 104, you should probably worry, but if your child has a low-grade fever and is acting normally, make sure they keep acting normally but otherwise relax.