This important study just came out.
Source is The Onion, America’s finest news source.
One of my favorite articles in a while. I absolutely can’t stop laughing.
I can say with absolute certainty that I don’t drink even that much water per year. 'cause I drink…none. And haven’t in over 3 decades. :eek:
Beat that, Dr Saguero!
Cactuar scientists recommend 1000 needles if hit.
How can you not drink water ever? Are you part kangaroo rat? Because then I don’t think you should be posting here, considering the rules say you have to be 13, and you live maybe 5 years.
Yeah, but every kangaroo rat year has gotta be like 15 human years, right? 
According to everyone I’ve ever talked to <except the doctors> they all say I don’t drink any water. Obviously I do, it’s just coloured and flavored. The docs say 'You’re plenty hydrated, don’t worry about it unless your kidneys start giving you problems." And apparantly mine are made of rust-proof steel or something, 'cause I’ve never had a kidney stone or any other issue that comes from ‘not drinking enough water’.
Perhaps I’ve just adapted extra-well to sucking it out of soda and coffee.
Perhaps I’m part cactus. 
This is a good one too
Birthday card discreetly passed around office like some sort of covert CIA operation
I had to stop and read that one also. And she’s right, it is not good to be shaken all night long after sustaining a probable concussion. BTW, it looks like the Onion have taken down their pay wall.
From the OP article:
Somehow, the absurdity of this was hilarious.
Thanks for the link, DrewTwo99!
No problem 
I always love the onion but this particular article stuck out for some reason and I just had to share it.
I loved the last line in the article too ^_^.
Also, that article about getting knocked out by American thighs is also so, so good.