Cage Match – Niles Crane vs. Dr. Zachary Smith
100% of the voters agree with me!
ETA: Well, 1 of 1…
Oh the pain! The pain!
I forgot NIies is a doctor, too.
Who is Zachary Smith? 
Is that movie Zachary Smith or series Zachary Smith?
(Yeah, yeah, we all know the joke…what movie? Yada yada. Please try to restrain yourselves.)
I suspect Niles has some serious wrestling skills. How else would he ever be able to fuck Lilith? (and we have evidence that has occurred at least once).
I dunno… I feel like if you kept them both in a cage and rapped them with a wooden spoon until they fought, Niles would eventually come out on top. He had to have learned some fancy skill in his life that could be applied in a martial sense, if only ballet or something.
I looked looked at his wiki. Pros:
Cons: He faints at the sight of his own blood.
The con is potentially mitigated by the improbability of Dr. Smith drawing Dr. Crane’s blood.
Ah, how easy it is to forget that Dr. Smith started out as an actual traitorous villain, not the buffoonish comic relief he became later…
Smith knows how to survive and avoids any direct conflict by running away. Niles would behave honorably while Smith found a way to find someone else to do the dirty work.
It’s a cage match, so Smith couldn’t get very far.
For hours nothing much would happen while the two traded sarcastic comments. Eventually, however, Smith would make a comment about Daphne’s cantankerous cacaphony of caterwalling, whereupon Niles would fly into a rage and kill him.
**Niles **: Oh, I know! The French bread here is just superb.
That was scary spot-on…
Although he only used it once as far as I can recall, Dr. Smith has a karate chop move to the base of the neck that knocks one instantly unconscious. Lots of 60’s TV fighters had it.
My money’s on Smith.
If they’re in a cage, Niles.
If it’s just a general conflict I’d say Dr. Smith would be the winner through sneakiness and treachery.
It wouldn’t come to blows. Dr. Smith would call Niles “an infernal booby,” and Niles would melt into tears, ending the match immediately.
Either that or they’d end up making out.
Smith is much more vicious and way more concerned about self-survival.
But Niles did successfully defend the honor of his sapatos - with a sword - against a more skilled opponent.
Just don’t tell him the crease of his pants is not straight.