Call in to the conservative radio talk show host!

This parody thread is based on Jason Lewis, whom I heard for the first time on the radio yesterday. Rush, ol’ buddy, all I can say is, you’ve met your match and then some…

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the Truth in Broadcasting Network. It’s just me, not really a network, but if liberals can lie, then why can’t I?

[…hearty laugh…]

Seriously, I don’t hate liberals. It isn’t a matter of hate. What I do is pity liberals. I feel sorry for the ones who call into my show because they come on like any liberal, all full of themselves and puffed up and thinking they’re smarter than everybody else, but I always see it as an opportunity. By the time I’m finished with them, they’re stripped of their tin-foil armor and left with their naked shame. What you hear when I’m done with them is the sniveling, grovelling, whimpering liberals that we’ve all come to know and love.

Now, friends, what exactly is a liberal? I know, I know, it sounds like a dumb question, and the obvious answer is “somebody whose hubis is exceeded only by their cowardice”, but believe it or not, it’s more complicated than that. I mean, you have your Barbra Streisands and your Michael Moores, but these are just your run-of-the-mill Hollywood liberal attention whores. I’m talking about the really dangerous ones, the ones who pretend that they’re conservative just so nobody knows that they suck from the teat of liberalism — the political scarlet letter, the political stance that dare not speak its name. They call themselves “libertarians”. They try to act like they’re conservative, but you can tell they’re nuts right away. They don’t want to just lower taxes, they want to eliminate them. They want to take us back to the stone age where we don’t have roads or cars or whatever…

[…audible sip of something followed by loud swallowing…]

… but they’re very inconsistent. They want to eliminate welfare, but they want to open the border so any Tom, Dick, or Pedro can just come into the country and do any damn thing they please. And I do mean any damn thing. Gay marriage? No problem. Sex with goats? Be my guest. Pornography, gambling, prostitution — love it, love it, love it! If it were up to these guys, we’d all play naked in the streets while pouring liquor down the throats of our children. They’re against gun control, but what they don’t tell you is that they want to have atomic bombs! In their basements! These people are liberals gone mad, and they illustrate perfectly what would happen if liberalism were allowed to take hold in this country and taken to the extreme. Anyway, that’s just so you know.

Now, I’m gonna open the phone lines, but today I want to hear from liberals. I feel particularly teary-eyed today. My heart is bleeding, and I have a guilty conscience about all the starving children in Bum[bleep] Africa. Oops, did I say that? You know, liberals want the FCC to stop regulating the airways so that people like me can curse in front of your children. Anway, where was I? Ah yes, this is Love a Liberal Day at Truth in Broadcasting. Liberals, if you can muster the courage to call me, I promise to be gentle with you. I’ll put one hand behind my back and take it easy on you. But I gotta hear from you. I, and other normal people, want to hear from you. What made you a liberal? Was it a childhood trauma? Did your mothers deny you hugs? Was it brain damage from an accident?

Tell us — in complete sentences if possible — what you’re most ashamed of, what you feel guiltiest about, and which minority you would like to sell out our country to today. Okay? Conservatives can call in, too, but don’t hog the lines, and don’t spend too much time fawning over me, although I know you can’t really help it. But guys, be gentlemen, and give liberals a chance to speak. After all, they are your retarded brothers and sisters.

The lines are open. Hello, line 1? Who are you, and where are you from?

Not having heard the guy, I’m curious. Is this a parody where you exaggerate his views, or is the type where you write the polar opposite of what he says? The link doesn’t indicate if he’s a lefty or righty.


'Jason Lewis, “Charlotte’s Mr. Right” ’

“In 1990, he was the Republican nominee for the United States Congress from Colorado’s Second District.”

Go ahead…take a wild guess…

I think I’m in love.

Every good conservative loves taxes and interfering in people’s lives. Good conservatives have always loved taxes and hated free economies. Conservatives will always hate free markets and love taxes. That is all.

Why do all the nut-jobs have to be from Colorado. I swear we’re not all like that. Some of us have adapted to the altitude quite well, thank you.



People like you don’t love, you zealously covet and then throw shit at others.



I always thought conservatives were for lowering taxes.

Video killed the radio troll.

I haven’t heard much from “Minnesota’s Mr. Right” lately; guess it’s because he is now “Charlotte’s Mr. Right.”

Luckily we have Sean Hannity to fill the gap left by the unfortunate departure of Mr. Lewis.

This is Dreama, and I’m a first-time caller. I just want to know one thing. All you right-wing hypocrites and the crap you say about immigrants… You should be ashamed of yourself. Are you ashamed of yourself?

Read your Republican Platform. A plank of your party says immigration should be encouraged. Not only that, but your platform says immigration should be ‘fostered and encouraged by a LIBERAL and just policy.’ Got an answer for that?

Explain that for me, you liberal-bashing ass[bleep]. Oh yeah, you raving hypocrite, I hear your producer, go ahead and cut to a commer- <click>

<dial tone>

SDMB regulars should be familiar with the adage “Don’t feed the troll.” Well, radio talk show hosts are trolls by nature! It doesn’t matter whether they’re liberal or conservative, whether they’re talking about politics or sports- their job is to get people riled up enough to phone in.

It’s an OLD tactic, one people should know better than to take seriously.

Well, you see, folks. What the caller was saying… and let me say that he was one of the more eloquent liberals I’ve heard from in a while… what he’s saying is that we should let the Mexicans come in and take all our jobs. See, I can speak the liberal language because all it is is a subset of the English language, you see. For example, the caller used the word “hypocrite”. In liberal language, hypocrite means “people I’m jealous of”. They’re jealous of wealth. They’re jealous of success. They hate success just like they hate America. They want to punish success. That’s what liberals do. They steal money from successful people and give it to deadbeats and dropouts who just use it to buy drugs and whores. That’s why they want to legalize pot and prostitution, so they can let all the deadbeats and dropouts out of prison.

Okay, let’s try line 2… Caller, are you a liberal? And what do you want to whine about?

Do’h! Guess that’s why I’m not a detective.

As long as people like you hate me, I must be doing something right.

Lewis has got nothing on Michael Weiner, the man who originally coined the phrase “compassionate conservative”.

Yeah, Michael Savage here, Mr. Lewisberg. You know, I used to think you were an alright guy. I don’t necessarily agree with all of your opinions, but we do have things in common. Neither of us are foreigners, women, midgets, handicapped, or…lawyers, but I’m so damn sick and tired of your pandering to those pinko fascist vermin! If they had their way we’d be in the European Union eating crepes and talking with one another in the streets! How can you sit there and not even insinuate that they choke on a sausage and die? How else are we going to stop them? Reasonabley debate them? Oh I’ve tried that, Mr. Mao, and let me tell you, my little soy eating friend, it doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work. Those whack jobs go crazy when they’ve got nothing to take from their Marxist playbook! And you know who I really feel sorry for? The children. Because twenty years from now, when they go looking for their dogs, the Koreans will have already eaten them.

My mother listened to him regularly for a month or so.

Well, I’ll be damned! I guess I haven’t been paying attention, and my libertarianism actually means I’m a closet Big Government Liberal after all, and that I want to shrink the size of the government by umm…expanding the size of the government.

(At least it’s a fresh POV from a conservative, unlike most of the Republicans who seem to think that libertarian votes somehow are owed to Bush…)

Now, Mike, I understand your point, and you’re a respected conservative and all, but let me explain to you what you don’t understand. It took me a while to figure this out, too, so don’t feel bad. See, liberalism comes from a genetic defect. Think about it. Have you ever heard of a liberal cave man? Were any of them gay? Are there any drawings on cave walls showing two guys pushing stools? No, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because somewhere in the desert maybe, or Asia or something like that, someone was born with a liberal gene. All of a sudden, he couldn’t take the heat, and he would fan himself like a woman, and hang out with the women of the group. He couldn’t hunt, but he could sew skins and make clothes.

Now, I actually formulated this theory some time ago, when the liberals first started claiming that there was a “queer gene”, in other words a genetic defect that made a man’s brain into a woman’s brain. I mean, it’s more complicated than that, and I could give you all the medical mumbo-jumbo, but we don’t have time for that. Suffice it to say that I think it was a move of desperation on their part. Liberals have always known their brains were damaged — I think that’s part of the defect, being cursed with the self-knowledge of your plight. Anyway, they thought that if maybe they could convince us that homos can’t help themselves, we would react like liberals do and feel sorry for them. Remember, liberals can’t look at anything objectively. They see everything through their beady liberal eyes.

In other words, Mike, what they did was show their hand. It took a guy as sharp as I am to decode what they were saying. They were saying, “Hey, I’m liberal because I can’t help it.” Gay and liberal are the same thing, you see. All liberals are gay, it’s just that a lot of them are in the closet. Look at Hollywood movies going all the way back to the old black and white ones. How many gay conservatives have you seen? Well, it stands to reason that if all conservatives are straight, then all liberals are gay.

Nice to hear from you Mike, and you hang in there. Let’s take line 3…

That’s because you’re inconsistent, caller. You want to legalize guns and pot. I mean, think about it. You’re wanting to just give out guns to drug dealers. I’ve noticed that none of you so-called libertarians — and let me tell you, it hasn’t escaped my attention that liberal and libertarian both start with liber — none of you guys have familes. You’re all just single men, probably gay, and all you want to do is sit around all day smoking your marijuana. If it were otherwise, then your Libertarian Party would be huge. Everybody except liberals wants smaller government, but you people can’t get off your couches and stop eating your snacks long enough to join a political party. Pot makes you lethargic, and you can’t get anybody motivated enough to go out and campaign for office or collect signatures. I mean, it’s a free country, and you people are always preaching “personal responsibility”, but now you’re blaming conservatives for your being such a slacker. If you’d stay straight for a couple of days, you’d figure all this out.

Okay, we have a caller on line 4…

:smiley: This is so funny, Liberal, that I hereby apologize for any insults I’ve thrown your way previously.

:: goes back to inventing new reasons for white people to feel guilty ::

I remember this guy. He was right even by the standards of Colorado’s 2nd district. He married a hot TV anchor who promptly dumped him soon after he lost the election (I think he lost in the Rep. primary).