This parody thread is based on Jason Lewis, whom I heard for the first time on the radio yesterday. Rush, ol’ buddy, all I can say is, you’ve met your match and then some…
Hello, friends. Welcome back to the Truth in Broadcasting Network. It’s just me, not really a network, but if liberals can lie, then why can’t I?
Seriously, I don’t hate liberals. It isn’t a matter of hate. What I do is pity liberals. I feel sorry for the ones who call into my show because they come on like any liberal, all full of themselves and puffed up and thinking they’re smarter than everybody else, but I always see it as an opportunity. By the time I’m finished with them, they’re stripped of their tin-foil armor and left with their naked shame. What you hear when I’m done with them is the sniveling, grovelling, whimpering liberals that we’ve all come to know and love.
Now, friends, what exactly is a liberal? I know, I know, it sounds like a dumb question, and the obvious answer is “somebody whose hubis is exceeded only by their cowardice”, but believe it or not, it’s more complicated than that. I mean, you have your Barbra Streisands and your Michael Moores, but these are just your run-of-the-mill Hollywood liberal attention whores. I’m talking about the really dangerous ones, the ones who pretend that they’re conservative just so nobody knows that they suck from the teat of liberalism — the political scarlet letter, the political stance that dare not speak its name. They call themselves “libertarians”. They try to act like they’re conservative, but you can tell they’re nuts right away. They don’t want to just lower taxes, they want to eliminate them. They want to take us back to the stone age where we don’t have roads or cars or whatever…
[…audible sip of something followed by loud swallowing…]
… but they’re very inconsistent. They want to eliminate welfare, but they want to open the border so any Tom, Dick, or Pedro can just come into the country and do any damn thing they please. And I do mean any damn thing. Gay marriage? No problem. Sex with goats? Be my guest. Pornography, gambling, prostitution — love it, love it, love it! If it were up to these guys, we’d all play naked in the streets while pouring liquor down the throats of our children. They’re against gun control, but what they don’t tell you is that they want to have atomic bombs! In their basements! These people are liberals gone mad, and they illustrate perfectly what would happen if liberalism were allowed to take hold in this country and taken to the extreme. Anyway, that’s just so you know.
Now, I’m gonna open the phone lines, but today I want to hear from liberals. I feel particularly teary-eyed today. My heart is bleeding, and I have a guilty conscience about all the starving children in Bum[bleep] Africa. Oops, did I say that? You know, liberals want the FCC to stop regulating the airways so that people like me can curse in front of your children. Anway, where was I? Ah yes, this is Love a Liberal Day at Truth in Broadcasting. Liberals, if you can muster the courage to call me, I promise to be gentle with you. I’ll put one hand behind my back and take it easy on you. But I gotta hear from you. I, and other normal people, want to hear from you. What made you a liberal? Was it a childhood trauma? Did your mothers deny you hugs? Was it brain damage from an accident?
Tell us — in complete sentences if possible — what you’re most ashamed of, what you feel guiltiest about, and which minority you would like to sell out our country to today. Okay? Conservatives can call in, too, but don’t hog the lines, and don’t spend too much time fawning over me, although I know you can’t really help it. But guys, be gentlemen, and give liberals a chance to speak. After all, they are your retarded brothers and sisters.
The lines are open. Hello, line 1? Who are you, and where are you from?