I’m so very sorry. It is such a helpless feeling; I felt that I had betrayed my child when a similar situation happened to us. We had a situation recently in 6th grade but without touching. Very graphic (sexually harassing) talk coupled spreading rumors to classmates. The school responded better than I expected. I notified the school of the situation and they immediately took action before I even wrote anything up. They asked my daughter if she wanted counselling (she did), they asked her if she wanted to confront the guy (she did*!) and they provided a safe space for her to do this. They brought up the words “sexual harassment” and “illegal” before I could. They separated her from the guy but he was still in her class.
On the plus side, she was not withdrawn. She was in a really bad mood before she told anyone but she was fine afterwards. I think it really helped that she told me and I went to the school for her and was very matter of fact about it. There were several nights of sleeplessness for me though. And she didn’t want to go to school the next day but I made her. She has a phone and I said that I will be outside the school during that class and just call me if you have an issue. To make a long story short, she is fine now and has handled it well. We’ve had a lot of talks about it though and how unacceptable it is.
*The school called me and told me that they had discussed matters with my daughter and she made these choices but I had final say and could overrule her choices. I did NOT want her to talk to the guy- I wanted nothing more to do with him but she wanted to do it so I allowed it (with my heart in knots). She handled it well and the ability to make her own choices helped her.
I have an autistic daughter, too - older than yours - and the good news is, when she felt someone was inappropriately touching her in middle school, she immediately told someone.
So an upside to autism is, I think, a tendency to do what one has been instructed to do in a situation like that.
I think for my daughter, too, seeing that everybody responded the way promised, and kept her safe, was huge. I hope the same is true for your son. I believe it will beneficial the more he sees that the system works, and that his parents and adults at school have his back.
(In my kid’s case, they determined that the kid touching her was, in fact, touching her, but is developmentally disabled, and there was no intentional sexual component. Another side effect of the autism - touching is touching, and it doesn’t matter why or how.)
It’s super-important that everyone follows his lead - whatever language he uses, you use. Also if you haven’t already, the three things he needs to know now is:
I believe you.
None of this is your fault.
I am going to do my best to help you.
I am sorry you are all going through this. If you are angry/showing outbursts, make sure you explain carefully to your son that you are NOT angry at anything he did, and do your best NOT to show the anger/upset around him
Thank you for this post. I have been having similar thoughts but was afraid to try to articulate them because I didn’t want to be seen as dismissive. I’m glad you are braver than me.
Anyway, the closest analogy I can think of is when a little kid falls and hurts themselves. Let’s say little Suzy falls off a swing and cuts her lip, and at first glance it looks like she might have a permanent scar. If mom and dad treat the injury like The Worst Thing That Ever Could Happen, Suzy will be extra terrified and the wound will hurt more - plus if she does end up with a scar she’ll be more self-conscious about it.
On the other hand, parents could remain calm and say, “oh, whoops! I’m so glad that you were able to pick yourself up right away after that fall. Let’s go to the doctor so she can tell us if you need any treatment to help you heal faster - I remember when I went to the doctor after a similar fall at your age. Yeah, I know it’s scary, but I’ll stay with you and you can squeeze my hand really hard when the doctor cleans the cut. I wonder if you’ll have a scar to help you remember the day you went way too high on the swing?”
Again, I don’t want to be seen as dismissive. Children should be given every opportunity to express any anxieties/trauma they feel, and if they really are upset they should be treated with respect and helped to heal. But it isn’t necessary to act like “omigod this is DEFINITELY a huge trauma” - because it’s possible the kid is handling it fine or doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and only when the parents transmit their anxieties does the real damage start to set in.
ddsun, please don’t think I’m accusing you of over-reacting. I am not. My comments are intended as general food for thought for any situation like the one you are in, not to suggest you are in any way prone to mishandling the situation.
I agree with the above. I’ve seen more children traumatized by the reactions (and over-reactions) of their parents to small, normal life incidents that really should just be “get up, dust yourself off and move on”.
Not that I’m saying that this is anything like that (it isn’t), but be aware that how you portray this and react to it to your child will have a very strong effect on how he views it internally and/or whether he even remembers it 20 years from now.
Just my own opinion, but remaining calm and reasoned, telling him "You did everything right in this situation. That kid did something wrong, not you. It’s over and done with, you aren’t hurt and let’s just deal with what we have to here and move on, ok? " would be more beneficial than (and I’m not saying you’re doing this) carrying on and screaming about how damaged your kid is by the experience. Because in that situation, it would actually be YOU, by telling the kid he’s “damaged” that would be doing the actual damage.
I’m so sorry for your young man, but very happy that he knew the proper action to take and took it. That was very adult and responsible of him. I know it’s hard to sit by and watch him go through this internally, but that kind of an incident is tough for an adult to process, much less a youngster, and it can take time to work it through.
I am sending all the good karma I can muster in your direction.
Schools have to keep certain information about students confidential; IIRC, it’s due to a regulation called FERPA.
As someone on another board put it, “We cannot tell you that she was adopted out of a Russian orphanage 3 years ago. We cannot tell you that his parents are going through a horrific divorce and the kids are currently living with their aunt and uncle because neither parent is capable of caring for them. We cannot tell you that her father has terminal cancer, and the family is probably going to be evicted because their only income is his disability payments…” that kind of thing.
FYI - Having known the parents of one such perpetrator…
These people are EXPERTS at placing the blame for their child’s inappropriate actions on OTHER people! It is the fault of the person calling the police on their kid, the fault of the probation officer that the kid has probation violations, the fault of the foster parent the kid is a thief (kid was removed from natural parent’s home), and on and on and on.
So I am not surprised in the least at people here calling the perpetrator a “victim”! Read the following…
I have no experience of this situation, touch wood, but one thing strikes me:
Your kid took action: he got up and told the teacher. That might be the thing to focus on. One of the most traumatising facets of any kind of assault is the sense of helplessness, of having control of your own body and of your own situation ripped away from you. Your kid took back control, and focusing on that might make him feel better about the whole thing. If you frame this as ‘Someone did something wrong and you took action to make that stop’, he might be better able to cope than if you frame it as ‘You were the helpless victim of an attack.’
I’m not clear on your point. Are you saying that a 10-year-old child can’t possibly be considered a victim, and should always step up to the plate and take full responsibility for having inappropriately touched another child? (Which I guess absolves the adults around the child from any responsibility, but since you proceed to excoriate parents, that can’t be what you mean.)
Or are you saying - based on your sample of one set of parents - that it is always the fault of the parents of the acting-out child (which I guess absolves the child from any responsibility, but since you object to referring to the child as a victim, this surely can’t be what you mean).
Personally, neither extreme makes sense to me as a blanket rule for explaining the dynamic behind a child’s sexually abusive behavior. I’m inclined to feel that the situation is usually more nuanced.
Calls from school are pretty much never a good thing, and this certainly falls into that category.
Kudos to your son for taking action - as others have said, disabled kids are often targeted.
I’m guessing the other child is also special needs - which doesn’t excuse, it just explains. Even that child hasn’t been abused, kids with developmental disabilities don’t necessarily have filters on their behavior - he might have seen something on TV or in a book, and acted out on it. Regardless, the other child needs to be kept away from your kid.
I would actually suggest NOT making any more of a big deal of this with your son that you are forced to; sort of a matter-of-fact “yes, those are private places and nobody may touch you there without your permission. You did a good thing by letting an adult know, and they won’t let that happen again. Hey, who wants ice cream?”.
Then let the school deal with the other child as appropriate.
ddsun - I think you are handling this well in a difficult situation and kudos to your son. Hope your son is moving forward and this is just a minor blip in the road of life.
If you don’t mind my asking, how verbal is your son? I ask because my 11 year old daughter is on the spectrum, and while her speech is definitely improving, I’m not sure if she could explain inappropriate touching. I’m taking a mental note to speak with her therapists to make sure my daughter knows to speak up.