I got a call from my son’s school today. They started off with, “He’s OK.”
Having established that, my brain went to: what did he do? My son’s autistic, and sometimes we get calls from school about issues. “He didn’t do anything.” OK.
Then his teacher told me he’d been sexually touched at lunch. Another student, from another class, sat next to him and groped him under the table.
My son got up and told a grown up. The principal and the school counselor and multiple teachers, and the other parents, are all going through all of the report writing that follows these things.
I’ve asked my son a few times now if he’s ok, without leading him too much. He says he is, but he also seems a little subdued to me. Didn’t want to go out and play with his friends.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. We assume safety for our kids at school, I suppose. I also feel angry. I feel like crying. I want to yell at someone, but there’s no one to yell at.
I’ll mention this to my son’s psychiatrist, so she’ll be checking in on him too. We’ll also be having conversations with the school next week about what they’re going to do to protect him/prevent this from happening again/help him out now that it has happened.
I know that school’s are mandated to report adult on child sexual contact, but I don’t know about child on child. I’m in CA. Does anyone know?
I’m so very glad that your son got up immediately and told an adult. I’m glad that he felt safe and secure enough to do that. That speaks well of he and you and his teachers. I’m glad they seem to be following through with this. I’m also glad that he already has support systems in place that will help him.
That is non-consensual sexual touching - even if the other kid was the same age. This is due to the fact your child has a mental disability.
Report this to the police. (You do this, don’t wait for the school.)
Kids who do this sort of thing frequently have many other victims including animals. They don’t know what a personal “boundary” is. Put a stop to it ASAP!
Note: It is suggested the victim should go through some sort of counseling. The other kid will get into BIG trouble (as he/she should).
Both kids are victims, in different ways. I’m glad your son didn’t get in trouble for snitching, and also wasn’t accused of leading the perpetrator on, or worse yet, setting this up to embarrass his parents (ask me how I know about that).
Many of them are victims of sexual abuse themselves; sexual touching at the table sounds more like learned behavior than like “kids being curious in socially-unacceptable ways”.
The way it should work, when the legal system gets involved, is that the perpetrator is to have NO further contact with your child whatsoever (direct or indirect).
That means the other kid could not go to the same school as your kid. Can’t drive or walk by your house. If the other kid is in a retail store and you walk in with your kid, the other kid MUST leave, etc.
Be sure the other kid has been removed from the school before allowing your child to go back. (The other child should be in juvenile detention.)
Basically your child should not have to do anything to feel safe. It is all on the other kid to leave, go to a different school, etc.
This. Assuming this all comes to pass, I hope the OP doesn’t feel any guilt or consternation about any inconvenience that arises for the perp or his family; any of that should be understood as a consequence of the perp’s actions, and NOT as a consequence of going to the police.
It’s really impossible to speculate because we don’t know the details of the case (and it would be best if you don’t share them).
It’s reasonable to assume that the kids are of a similar age, though. Even K-12 schools tend to separate lunches by age group. Age-inappropriate sexual behavior is a pretty strong warning sign of sexual abuse. As Nava alluded to, it’s a learned behavior. Kids who are exposed to lots of inappropriate stuff end up with really skewed social and sexual norms. I know it can be upsetting to think of the “perp” as a victim, but it’s not at all outside the realm of possibility that he or she is.
Still, it looks like the school is doing its job here. That means that the police have already been contacted (via the school’s resource officer) and appropriate steps will be taken, probably including some Social Services investigation into the other kid’s home life to find out why this happened in the first place.
I hope the OP’s son is feeling a little better this morning.
I know this is not a popular opinion and is likely going to get trashed, but I could see that your son is more withdrawn, not because of the incident but more because of how everyone around him is making him feel like he was victimized.
From his viewpoint it could be that everyone is crowding around him asking; “Are you OK? Are you traumatized? We need to take you to a councilor right away. This is terrible, you’ve had something terribly unthinkable done to you!!!”
This, to me, is more traumatic than the actual groping.
I’ve been groped before…it wasn’t THAT big of a deal, but if I had been in a social group or society that insisted I had just been traumatically victimized, I probably would have been greatly affected. I think the bad feelings of victimhood are often more closely associated with the expectation of society rather than the actual act.
Is it normal protocol for the school to not disclose the details of the perpetrator? I would expect as the parent of a 10 year old victim to know the details.
Definitely report this to the police on your own. The school may have a motivation to downplay this as “no big deal”. Interesting that they started off the conversation with the OP as, “He’s OK.” No, he’s not.
