This is definitely an SDMB theme that I don’t get; it often comes up in jealousy-type threads. Everyone here says “dude, I have no problem with my signot totally sleeping over at her opposite-sex buddy’s house several times a week!! Anyone who doesn’t agree is an abusive jerk!” [/exaggeration].
If my wife socialized extensively one-on-one with another man, I’d be uncomfortable about it. She feels the same way about me [reversing genders natch].
I’m a straight guy. I’m good friends with a gay guy that I met after I hooked up with his female roommate who apparently was taking a break from being a lesbian.
Oh, believe me, I’ve felt sexual attraction to several of my female friends. Feeling sexual attraction towards a hot member of the appropriate sex is perfectly normal, healthy, and to be expected. But there’s a difference between feeling that attraction and acting on it.
I would like you to find me a relationship thread where the majority of posters expressed unconcern at their partner spending lots of time alone with another person.
Point is, I don’t care, but when the other person gets a crush on me, it’s a problem. Apparently that is a vanishingly rare occurrence. How interesting that my life experience has consisted of so many vanishingly rare occurrences.
The clarification still means bi people get no chance at close one-on-one friendships, of course.
If you’re going to believe in this theory, apply it to your own friendships and let others do as they will. Other people may not have a problem with it. I personally hated that famous movie’s theory as well, so I’m just being consistent.
Too lazy. But – if there’s no problem of controlling sexual attraction, why would y’all care if your girlfriend slept over platonically at her male buddy’s house?
First of all, I wouldn’t form any of my guiding principles for my life based on romantic comedies, no matter how popular they are.
Second, issues can come up in any friendship. Whether it’s money issues, or arguments, or a one-sided attraction forming. It can be gotten through by respect from both sides. For this issue, the one being crushed on should maybe give the other space, and not talk about the people he or she is attracted to, and otherwise try not to hurt the other’s feelings. The one with the crush should take some time to get over it, and avoid being jealous or weird about the other person’s attractions. It might be difficult and awkward, but many things in friendship can be difficult and awkward. I don’t think it’s any reason to avoid friendships.
I live proof that people can have friends in their preferred demographic. I have several quite close female friends and am a straight male. I also have several quite close lesbian and gay male friends.
We do get to decide for ourselves whether we are going to pursue a romantic approach or not.
I think it is typical of straight males to have more awareness of romantic potential with their female friends than the other way around, and also to overestimate the same awareness on the part of the friend. Research reported in Scientific American within the last year makes this clear. In my view, part of being a male is dealing with this. We need a healthy “Down, boy!” reflex.
I like money, and it is hard not to notice big piles of it in the background when one goes to the bank, but I have somehow always managed not to dash madly over the counter and grab it. Prospects for future restraint are lookin’ good. Having a friend who also happens to be attractive, similarly, still leaves one the option of behaving properly.
And I am glad of this. Some of the most splendid people, whose friendship brings a great deal of joy, do also happen to be attractive. It doesn’t have to matter.
Maybe your problem is that you’re too damn smokin’ hot.
How sure are you that they had a crush on you? Did they make a really, really obvious pass at you, or just pay you compliments or hug you or whatever?
Because, one film aside, it simply is true that people often are friends with those who you might think are in their target demographic. It can’t be impossible since it happens so often.
I mean, I’m a gay woman, and ok to look at, and most of my friends - as in people I see a lot - are straight men and straight or bi women. I’m not attracted to them as any more than friends and if any of them are harbouring deep, abiding crushes on me then they’re hiding it well.
Ok look, everyone I’ve ever spoken with on the general question of whether men and women can be close friends has agreed with me. Sexual jealously and unintended attraction form the basis for much of the literature/film regarding romance. My (not very numerous) romantic partners have all had challenges with this problem. I think you guys may be in the minority on this issue.
I’m emphatically NOT saying that people can’t socialize. It’s just that I think it’s dickish to lead someone on, and treading that line can be tricky.
I’m totally stoked that you all are so evolved. But try to rein in the judginess a tad, will ya?
Fair point.
In one case it was me that developed the crush, so no ambiguity there. In the case of the guy crushing on me, you’ll have to trust me, but lots of people thought so (indeed, those who didn’t know us well thought we were dating).
The other occurrences are stories told to me by girlfriends, all of whom have had struggles having/receiving crushes which made friendship challenging.
One of my gay friends wants to marry. OTOH, he as also grabbed my wife’s boobs on occasion. He’s a queer one for sure. Just ask his two husbands :dubious:
How much is “significant amounts of one-on-one time” ? How much free time do you have anyway? Between work, kids, keeping the house from falling apart, if I manage to get together with friends for a couple hours a month, I’m pretty happy.
I have observed that romantic issues are more acute for people who are young and single. Perhaps you have observed the same.
If I gave the impression that this is an active problem for me, my bad. I’m as romanced-up as I ever need to be.
I don’t really get this either. I’ve had some gay aquaintances, and either I was completely oblivious or, more likely, there just wasn’t any sexual tension. More reasonably, I have female friends. I have some where neither of us has interest in the other, some where she had interest in me and me not in her and vice versa, even ones where we had mutual interest but it wouldn’t work out for other reasons. As a functioning adults, we’re either we’re mature enough to deal with the fact that one of us is or may become attracted to the other and the friendship does just fine, or we’re not.
So, yeah, I’d think if straight men and women can get along just fine, I don’t see how one being gay in same-sex friendship would make it any more complicated. For every time there’s a straight friend who is oblivious to his gay friend’s interest, there’s a straight man or woman oblivious to his or her friend’s interest too. Now, I guess when that does happen things can get complicated, but there’s countless other reasons that things can get complicated to.
Moreso, if I were to explicitly ban women and gay men from my friends, I’ve not only cut my potential pool of friends in half and eliminated some good friends, but I’m also basically saying that gay men and women are unable or unwilling to control their sexual attraction to me. That’s a HUGE brush I’m not willing to paint with.
My two closest friends, by far, are a gay man and a straight man. The gay guy is my ex (we stopped dating- damn, almost 15 years ago) and the straight man is somebody I find objectively handsome but I don’t see him in that way. I love both like brothers- actually I love both way more than I do my brother- and have completely platonic feelings for both of them. They are also very close friends of one another and we’re very close friends of his wife. There’s no sexual tension anywhere; the only tension there has ever been was with my ex when we were recently broken up (especially when we were dating others).
Actually, as a gay man I’ve had the most problems befriending straight women. Let me heavily qualify that this is not at all a usual problem- the vast majority of straight women I’ve known are not like this- but whenever I’ve had a problem of somebody wanting to “escalate” the friendship it was a straight woman. (Many gay men will know what I’m talking about when I refer to getting the “pathetic drunk dial marriage proposal”.)
The only common factor in all your relationships is you. No one is saying it’s not an issue that sometimes needs to be addressed, but you’re carrying it to an illogical extreme. People deal with it, and most move right along.